http://fr.gloria.tv/?media=590206
Printable View
I was interviewing the head of a local mental institution the other day and he showed me his bathtub test. "This is how we determine if a person is normal or not. We fill the bathtub with water. and we give them a thimble, a teaspoon, and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub. Then we watch what they do."
"Oh," I said, "I see, a normal person would use the bucket to empty the tub, right?"
"No," he answered, a normal person would simply pull the plug; would you like a bed near the window?"...:scared:
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(here it comes!!!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Bhohahahaha........Was at a couple of rummage sales today........lots of clothes and knick knacks....and that joke went off in my head....
So posting it was kinda of a exorcism of silliness........
Prof. Dr. Gerald Hüther
TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organised a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
:cowboy:
The real funny part?......(in a weird way)
That's not really a joke.
In response to all the recent e-mails about our dog: Please be advised, we are sick and tired of answering questions about our dog !
Yes, he mauled six people wearing obama t-shirts, four people wearing pelosi t-shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their crack, three flag burners, and a pakistani taxi driver. For the last time ...
The dog is not for sale !
No, i do not approve of his smoking, but he says it helps get the 'bad taste' out of his mouth!
Now that is funny ...I don't care who you are.....
If water shrinks leather how come cows aren't the size of Shetland ponies?
My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and ....I told him, 80.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at
1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy
blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally,she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice,
"Who wasTHAT?"
Duck Hunters
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."...:creepy:
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!....:cowboy:
Senior trying to set a password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourB uttIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
My wife and I just read it. That's easily the hardest we've laughed in years.Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stimestar
Thanks!
......Yeah, I know.....Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
"Woman comes home sees her husband just sittin there. She says "what ARE you doin?" He says "I'm killin flies, so far I've gotten 3 males and 2 females." She says "now how do you know that?" He says "3 were on the beer can and two were on the phone!"....:2:
Did you hear about our government taking over control of our deserts ? Now they are predicting that we'll run out of sand in 3 weeks !:no: