My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
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My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
I had the exact same thing happen once!
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attractio...ty_Tennes.html
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me poor and ugly.
Pinocchio, Snow White & Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering," said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
" First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.
Buhahahahaha!
Get A Second Opinion
The doctor said, "Paul, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
"Paul was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Paul laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Paul tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Paul admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Paul thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Paul and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Paul was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Paul tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Paul walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Paul thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Paul's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Paul laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..."
Breaking some eggs.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."....:creepy:
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...
SERIOUSLY?!!!
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
And finally...ya gotta love this one.
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
--
A man is in a plane accident, and washes up on a deserted island. He is the only human survivor, and washes up with a shepherd dog and a sheep. After a few months, he's watching the sun set with the two animals, and he's getting some urges after so much loneliness. He puts his arm around the sheep, and the shepherd dog starts growling, protective as it is by instinct. "So much for that," thinks the man.
Some time later, another plane crashes. Lo and behold, Hilliary Clinton is the lone survivor, and washes ashore on his island. They're all watching a beautiful sunset together, and the man is getting urges. He thinks this is finally his moment. He leans over to Hilliary and says, "Uh, hey ... You uh ... you wanna go uh ... wanna go take the dog for a walk?"
Dress Code
Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should
present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for
those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway .
. . you'll be there.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A hong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop
I hate this. First, my grand kids tell me my comb over, mutton chop sideburns and mood ring have to go. Now number 14 shows up. This is starting to get serious.
This may cheer you up, Rick.
Any peanut butter can be crunchy peanut butter, if you put your pills in it.
Hahaha......I've been warning my neighbor, that one day I'm going to build a fort next to my fire-pit, in the back yard. Hahaha.Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
(Heck....I may even build my fort around the fire-pit.)
NEVER SATISFIED.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."....:w00t:
Now THAT is funny....I don't care who you are.....
Bytch, bytch, bytch.......
Bhohahahah, ......y'all are on FIRE!Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
The Navy Master Chief noticed a new sailor among his crew. So he yelled at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“Tim,” the new sailor replied.
“Now look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that in turn leads to a breakdown in authority. And I will not have my authority compromised. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Miller, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief.’ Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Aye, Aye, Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name sailor?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is Tim Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, Tim, here’s what I want you to do ….” replied the Chief.....:w00t:
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."...:chef:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
.....on the couch....
....naked....:lol:
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.
(snort, chuckle). Someone is looking up double entendre at this very moment.
LOL....Yeah, me.....Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
dou·ble en·ten·dre
/ˌdo͞obl änˈtändrə,ˌdəbl änˈtändrə/
noun
noun: double entendre; plural noun: double entendres
a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent.
synonyms: ambiguity, double meaning, innuendo, play on words
"much of the comedy is derived from racy double entendres"
•humor using double entendres.
https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q...tendre+meaning
Is it still funny if I have to look it up?........or is the Yoke on me?
A guy walks up to a lady walking her dog and says, "Dang! That is one ugly pig!"
The lady replies, "That is not a pig! That is my dog!"
Guy says, "I was talking to the dog."
......That's when the fight started.....LOL
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels
and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.....:w00t:
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F#%& you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."....:1:
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing....:crying:
A blond walks into a library and says to the woman behind the counter, "I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke!" The Library says, "Miss ,this is a library!" The blond leans in and whispers, "Ohhhh sorry, I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke."
The absolute power of the whisper. Men melt.
All bubble wrap has been banned at the Washington D.C. Navy Yard.
Just put it in the trash gently, do not squeeze or pop or the building will be on national news in 10 minutes. OMG Folks are way jumpy.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." ...:cowboy:
A woman hurried to the pharmacy to get medication , she
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said,
"I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP .
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up,
Driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said:
"Yes, my daughter is sick.
I've locked my keys in my car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute
The car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said,
"Thank You, God,
For sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied,
"Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday;
I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing ,
"Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
Two old guys were sitting at the fountain in the mall waiting for their wives to finish shopping.
1st Old Guy: "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep."
2nd Old Guy: "Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times."
Rick, was that you in the mall?...Well, I'll be.
https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net...0d&oe=56701ACB
So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F@#k off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"...:1:
A rooster, hen, and squirrel walk into a saloon.
The rooster hops up onto the bar, and hollers out a "cock-a-doodle-doooo!"
The hen mutters, just loud enough to be heard, "any C- will do."
The squirrel twitches his busy tail, in deep thought for a moment, and muses to himself "now, where did I hide my nuts anyway?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Horribly wrong on both sides..... just saying... maybe a sphincter
involved