What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
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What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Hey I resemble that remark.....finally someone appreciates me
Thank you, Thank you kindly :)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop!" Hahaha
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
The customer reviews are hilarious! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...eatsoluti0a-20
I'm sure Amazon is thrilled.
"I'm a covertarian. I just eat egg shells, animal hides, nut shells, corn husks, wheat chaf, brown rice hulls, and other coverings. The fresh whole bunny would be a waste since, at least according to one review, it doesn't come with the hide."
The next time some proudly proclaims they are vegan (like I give a whoop) this is going to be my retort. This is simply brilliant.
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguistics in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. His response was:
When you marry the right woman, you are "complete." If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished." And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished."
“I’ll come to your place when SHTF” – no you won’t
by GLEN TATE on OCTOBER 22, 2013
(This post is something you can send to your friends or print out and hand to them when SHTF.)
Dear Friend:
I love my friends, but I will shoot you if I have to. I’m serious. Here’s why.
I tried to persuade you to prepare for what’s coming and, in the process, revealed that to you that I’m preparing. You realized that I have food, guns, etc., and ended up saying, half kidding but half serious, “I’ll come to your place when SHTF.”
No you won’t. I will shoot you. If you threaten me and my family, I will use force to defend against any threat. And showing up at my place hungry and unprepared is a threat to me. You will eat my food and use up my medical supplies, generator, firewood, etc. That’s less of these life-saving things for me and my family. That’s a threat.
Is this greed on my part? No. I will take care of the truly needy – those who cannot take care of themselves. But you are different. Very different. You had plenty of chances to prepare for yourself.
But what did you do? You spent the weekends watching football, went on expensive vacations, and never made your spouse mad at you with your “crazy” ideas that something bad was happening. You didn’t do **** because… you would just come to my place. Problem solved, right? You didn’t need to spend time, money, and create domestic strife because I did that all for you.
Not. Why should I spend my time, money, and stress just so you can waltz into my place and live happily ever after? I’m a nice guy, but – really? – I’m going to spend my (very limited) free time, disposable income, and domestic tranquility just so you can have a leisurely life and more material comforts pre-Collapse while I don’t?
Why do you think I will sacrifice enormous amounts of my time and money so you can enjoy yourself while I’m slaving away? Would you assume you could come over and leave your broken car at my house? That I would just spend thousands of dollars on parts and several weekends fixing it and then hand it over to you with a smile – just because I’m a “good guy”? Would anyone expect that?
You do, apparently. You actually expect to waltz over to my cabin and receive – with a smile – thousands of dollars of food and other supplies that took me all my weekends to acquire and store.
So, my grasshopper friend (as in the story of the grasshopper and the ant), here is your official warning: if your “plan” for your and your family’s safety is to come to my place, you’re wrong. When you show up, I’ll ask you to leave. When you don’t, I’ll point a gun in your face. If you refuse to leave, I will shoot you. You are a threat to me.
You had years of time and very clear warnings to get ready. But you didn’t. Hey, I love football but haven’t been able to watch a game in a few years; I’ve been fixing up the cabin, buying supplies, and training with the Team. I spent a lot of money doing all these things so I haven’t gone on a long vacation in… forever. I have had several difficult times with my wife because of all the prepping I’m doing; I could have easily done what you did, which is just say “Yes, dear” and not prepare because she didn’t want you to.
I hope this message jolted you. There’s still some time. Go prep. Please understand that your plan cannot be “I’ll come to your place.” I don’t want to shoot you.
http://299days.com/wp-content/upload...66-300x199.jpg
....and that, my friends is No Joke.
Guy finds an old lamp.......and of course he rubs it and a Genie appears.
Genie says, " I will grant you three wishes.....but remember your ex-wife will get double of what ever you wish for.
So the guy agrees and says," I want a mansion...poof he gets a mansion, DXW gets two...
Second wish, "I want a million dollars".....poof he gets a million dollars....DXW gets two...
After thinking long and hard for his third wish.......he says, "I want you to scare me half to death"
Thank you Kathy Lee Gifford.
Why does this seem to ring so true.......
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y13...ps19dfe82b.jpg
Anybody want to hear a dirty Joke?
Rick fell into a mud hole:smartass:
I don't get it. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. I didn't even have shoes to walk through that snow!!
I guess I was lucky. I had boots. See?Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
http://www.onthesharpend.com/wp-cont...-Cleaver-V.jpg
Yeah, well ....I had to go home for lunch......
You got lunch?
I had to make the walk to do my chores.
You had chores?......we were too poor, had to borrow chores, then bring them back when we were done.
When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!....:innocent:
OMG....and I suppose you had to walk to the kitchen to answer the party line phone.......The horror!
Pfffft. We had it worse. We worked for the hunter63 family.Quote:
Originally Posted by hunter63
We had rabbit ears on the TV, so all we had to do was stomp on the floor to change channels.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
So..... do any of you (besides Rick, of course, because TV hadn't been invented yet) remember these?
http://anitaburns.files.wordpress.co...abbit-ears.png
Heck, I'm so old we had to use these...
http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x..._IS347-055.jpg
We were so poor...
One day I was kicking a can down the street and a fella asked me what I was doin'. I told him, "Movin'."
I couldn't even afford to pay attention.
The homeless guy offered us a handout.
The bank came and repossessed the calendar they gave us at the county fair.
We were just PO because we couldn't afford the OR.
Dinner out for us was going to the KFC and licking other peoples fingers.
The only thing you saw on our kitchen table was elbows.
When we did have food we'd have water for breakfast, peas for lunch and just swell up for dinner.
We was poor.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
Got this one in an E-mail today....but I can relate.....
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the junk? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the junk.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the junk is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the junk." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q...ps569d7c85.jpg
The other day my wife and I were walking down the street and I happened to spy this amazing sight. Of course, I grabbed my cell phone and snapped a picture. My wife punched me in the arm and I asked her what she did that for. She demanded to know why I felt compelled to take the picture. I showed her the photo and told her it's not every day you see a dog driving a car.
What dog.....?
A skydiver jumps from the plane on his first solo jump. After a while, he pulls the ripcord. It detaches and he is looking at the D ring in his hand.
Alarmed, he pulls the reserve chute ripcord. Nothing happens. As he's spread eagle falling toward the ground, a woman comes flying straight up past him.
"Hey," he shouts, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No, sorry," she replies, "Do you know anything about lighting a gas water heater?"
I did that too. But, there was a set of channel locks on the tv so that we could turn the shaft that used to have a knob.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
About 1962 or so dad bought a remote control for our TV. It was a box that mounted over the channel selector. It had about an 8 foot cord that ran from the channel selector box to a hand held box. When you pushed the button a small motor turned the shaft on the channel selector. All 3 black and white channels. At least that's how I remember it. The worst part was the cord wasn't quite long enough to reach the couch. Be that as it may, we were pretty creme dela creme back in the day. I can remember marching all the neighborhood cronies into the living room to demonstrate this amazing new device. Yes, I was a pretty envied kid. I think it was my Bat Masterson outfit that impressed them the most however.
I saw this posted today.
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: This is AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute.
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold. At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeah.
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother?
AT&T: click??..
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!
However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!
Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus
"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her class pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher,they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
That Chief had the right of it. LOL
Yeah, sorry that it was a really early post but it sure tickled my fancy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonjimm
A millionaire, a redneck and a cheapskate walk into a bar. All three order a beer and when the beer is delivered there is a fly in each of the mugs.
The millionaire quietly summoned the bar keep, pointed out the fly and asked for another drink.
The redneck tilted his mug just enough for a bit of the beer and the fly to pour out of the mug then kept drinking.
The cheapskate reached into his mug, grabbed the fly by the wings and yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a twelve-year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?" Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"
"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two @ssholes!"