Man...that is funny!
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Man...that is funny!
No offense to our Southern brothers and sisters:
98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'
No self respecting southerner, needs anyone to hold their beer, while they drive. :innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
My humble apologies,Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
No need.........not all southerners are self respecting. LOL:blushing:Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
HaHaHa....two good ones! How about this one?
Quote:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
This should pretty much offend just about everyone
Security Alerts
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Poms have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the Poms issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
Priceless...and true!
What do Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?
They both have been clubbed by a Norweigian.
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
> Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in
> the private function room at the Grill House.
>
>
> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
> playing traditional carols...
> feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
> our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
>
> A Christmas
> tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
> employees can be done at that time; however, no
> gift should be over $10.00 to
> make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
> pockets.
> This gathering is only for employees!
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
>
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your
> family,
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> ROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: October 2, 2008
> RE: Gala Holiday Party
>
>
> In no way was
> yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
> important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
> though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now
> on, we’re calling it our "Holiday
> Party." The same policy applies to any other
> employees who are not Christians and to those still
> celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
> Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
>
> We will have other types of
> music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to
> you and your family,
> Patty
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty
> Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 3, 2008
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't
> sign your name..
> I'm
> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
> table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't
> be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
> this? Somebody?
>
>
>
> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange,
> no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that
> $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00
> is a little chintzy.
>
> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS
> EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> Patty
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> FROM: Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
> To: All Employees
> DATE: October 4, 2008
> RE: Generic Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we
> are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
> drinking during daylight hours.
>
> There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
> accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
> the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
> end of the party or else package everything for you to take
> it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
> of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet,
> and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> restrooms.
>
>
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
> Gay men, each group will
> have their own table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower
> arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person
> asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
> no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
> about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>
> We
> will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food
> will be available for those on a diet.
>
> I am sorry to report that we cannot
> control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill
> House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
> bite first.
>
> There
> will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
> diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no
> sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All F*%^ing Employees
>
> DATE: October 5, 2008
>
> RE: The F*%^ing Holiday
> Party
>
> I've
> had it with you vegetarian pr**ks!!! We're going
> to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
> not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
> the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
> and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic
> tomatoes.
> But you know, tomatoes
> have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
> them. I've heard them scream. I'm
> hearing them scream right NOW!
>
> The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos
> can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
>
>
> Drive drunk and
> die,
>
> The B*tch from
> H*ll!!!
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>
> DATE: October 6, 2008
>
>
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure
> I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll
> continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
>
> In the meantime,
> management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>
> Happy Whatever!
> Joan
>
I wonder if these are true.:innocent:
Quote:
In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
Quote:
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Did you know, that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?:blushing:
/Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
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Did you know that 75% of people who read that, try to lick their elbow???:innocent: LOL
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
( a widow)
Diary from Michigan ...
August 12--- Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so Beautiful here. The forests are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering the trees!
October 14--- Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful forest and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
November 11--- Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. Love it here!
December 2--- We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years. And I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.
December 12--- More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight and I won!
December 14 --- Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 --- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 --- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel. Electricity was off for 14 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 --- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that stuff again (boots, jump suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves etc.), then I got the urge to pee! The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 25--- Merry stinking Christmas, more stinking snow. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the road to melt the frigging ice.
December 27--- More white stuff fell last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white stuff! The weather man said to expect another 10 inches tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Darned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
December 28--- The frigging weather man was wrong. We got 34 inches of the white stuff this time. At the rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that jerk came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the stuff he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last shovel over his frigging head.
January 4--- Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get food and on the way back a darned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last November!
May 3--- Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all the salt they put all over the road? Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
May 24--- Can you believe we're still getting more snow?!! It's springtime !! Where's that snow shovel?
April 4---Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in Michigan!
Telephone Rings.....
"Hello. Ken, Ken, Ken and Ken, Attorneys at Law."
"Yes. I'd like to speak with Ken, please."
"I'm sorry, he's in court today."
"Well, could I speak with Ken then?"
"He's with a client at the moment."
"Okay. How about Ken?"
"He's out of the office the rest of the day."
"Fine! Then can I speak to Ken?"
"Speaking."
There were 2 Ken's in my office........ :innocent:
I heard Tiger Woods is changing his name.
to....
Cheetah Woods
:whistling: