No comments, please. Just for humor.
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No comments, please. Just for humor.
Heck yea,I'm game,no,wait,I mean AmericanPrussian is the game,see ya at 2:30 am sharp!Quote:
Originally Posted by mountain mama
The Pharmacist's Monday
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." :sneaky2:
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are such jerks ...
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These. .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next
Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and
other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck
11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What? STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
I thought you might get a kick out of this. You can give this little dog all kinds of commands such as sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead, etc and he'll do it. Tell him to sneeze and see what happens....
http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html
Aaaaahahahaha...tell it to "help Ken", or "teach Ken", and see what you get! LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Smart little rascal ain't he?
Obviously smarter than me....I'm still trying to do those things.:blushing:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ***."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas
drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
Then Sarge laughed and the fight was on. Oh, was that you?:innocent:
All of us like the "old ways". Let's see if you can match colonial occupations with their modern-day meanings:
1. colporteur............a. female writer
2. amanuensis..........b. innkeeper
3. chiffonier.............c.one who repairs shoes
4. mantuamaker........d. a minor or worthless author
5. boniface..............e. election judge
6. bluestocking.........f. wig maker
7. scribler.................g. peddler of books
8. scrivener..............h. secretary
9. scrutiner...............i. notary public
10. scobscat.............j. dressmaker or weaver
I'll give you a day or two to think it over and then post the answers.
In the meantime...here's a riddle for you.
A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost?
Have fun!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Tomato: 15 cents
Potato: 25 cents
Onion: 35 cents
Potato = 25 centsQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Tomato = 15 cents
Onion = 35 cents.
Atta girl, Benesse!!
You got it, too, Ranger but Benesse gave you a "hint".
1. Colporteur……………………………peddler of religious books
2. Amanuensis…………………………secretary
3. Chiffonier…………………………….wig maker
4. Mantua maker………………………dress maker
5. Boniface……………………………...innkeeper
6. Bluestocking…………………………female writer
7. Scribbler……………………………...worthless author
8. Scrivener……………………………..notary
9. Scrutineer…………………………….election judge
10. Scobscat………………………………cobbler
Oooh. That Klkak is a good one he is. Right you are, lad!! You got 'em all correct. Nice job.
Trying to trick us, huh? :sneaky2: A tomato is a fruit, NOT a vegetable. A tomato is the ovary and seeds of a flowering plant, ergo, it is a fruit.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
However, such facts have no validity in real life, do they?
Even our illustrious United States Supreme Court found it convenient to ignore science when it decided that a tomato was a vegetable - FOR TAX PURPOSES ONLY, of course. :innocent: Nix v. Hedden, 149 U.S. 304 (1893).
Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.:innocent:
A BLOND VISITS THE FARM
A young blond lady from the city was driving her convertible through the country and passed a local farm. Seeing the farmer out feeding the animals she decided to stop and ask about them. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady? The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'because it's a horse." :sneaky2::innocent::online2long: