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Originally Posted by AmericanPrussian
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Reason for Deletion: I don't want to be killed
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old?
Well.....you'll Love This One!
My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark Haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.
Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray Haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate, After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School.
'yes, Yes I Did. I'm A Mustang! ' He Gleamed With Pride.
'when Did You Graduate?' I Asked
He Answered, In 1975. Why Do You Ask?
'you Were In My Class!' I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.then That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat ***, Gray Haired, Decrepit, Son Of A (behive) Asked....
What Did You Teach?"
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
LMAO. Now that's funny and I can hear them doing it.
Nice one Pal.
Now the rest should practice, just to make sure they get it right.
A cowboy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets him. Cowboys sometimes living less than stellar lifestyles, St Pete challenges him and says
"If you can tell me one good thing you did in your life that should get you in here...I'll allow you in"
The cowboy kind of leans against the Pearly Gatepost and stares off over the horizon, spits out his chewin' tobacco and drawls
"Well there was this one time I was riding through the badlands and I came across this gang of bikers who were roughing up a young lady, intent on having their way with her. I directed them to stop, but they ignored me, so I climbed down off'n my hoss, walked over to the biggest, most tattooed nastiest lookin' one, cuffed him upside the head, ripped out his nose ring and kicked him in the crotch. When he went down I turned to the rest of them and said 'Now if you don't back off and leave her be, I'll give you all a whuppin like that"
St Peter was impressed. "My goodness," he says, "when did all this happen?"
The cowboy says "oooh, a couple of minutes ago"...
Bubba Had Shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
A Little Girl's Prayer
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."
Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are,
then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...
Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are,
then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn,
fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
VERY INSPIRING!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine.
And I'm pretty d**n good at it, too!!
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Disclaimer! This is not open to political discussion but too funny to pass up!
It's How You Say It
Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the
chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy .
Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face.
'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .
The chauffeur replies 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of Scotch Whisky, the wife cooked me a great meal and the
daughter kissed me all over.
'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy .
'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them:
'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.' :smash::sailor:
On this eve of our celebration of Vetreans day, thought this was appropriate.
At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.
JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"De Gaulle did not respond.
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When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passportin his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ridge Wolf
how this one made my morning.
A Texas oilman hit a gusher and decided to celebrate by buying a souped-up European sports car. He took it for a test-drive and eased it up to seventy, then eighty, and then eighty-five, at which time he noticed a police car in his rearview mirror with its siren blaring. In response, the oilman edged forward another twenty miles per hour, but the patrolman followed closely behind. Finally, the oilman pulled over to the side of the road and looked up to see the furious uniformed patrolman bearing down on him. "Didn't you see me and hear the siren?"
"Yes, sir, but I have a good explanation."
The patrolman took off his glasses. "This had better be good."
"Well, officer, about three weeks ago my wife ran off with a good-looking state trooper... just like you. When I saw your car, I thought you were him... bringing her back."
wow, I step away from the forum for just a lil' while and look what happens...
hey Nel, ya wanna go hunting this weekend? I hear AmericanPrussian is in season ;)
I saw this today, and thought it was funny, and sad.
Hmmm....wonder where he lives? LOL
Quote:
Location: The unemployment center that looks like a mitten.