You served in the cryptology department in the military didn't you?
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You served in the cryptology department in the military didn't you?
Cowboy walks in to a drug store and ask the clerk."Gimme a 3 pack of condoms"
Clerk says, "You want a paper bag for that?"
Coyboy says, "Naw, she ain't that ugly".
The Wine Taster
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a northern slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive" calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Lol.........
What a One Dog Night Looks Like....
http://www.lifewithdogs.tv/2011/07/w...when-its-cold/
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the Counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who cut the cheese . Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
I swear to you if this old boy had done it in the water he'd be half way upstream to Hoboken. It did bring a tear to my eye though and I had to salute him. He's goooooood. Sound on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi-_h8Ilfjs
The bar has been raised. Are you up to the challenge, Rick?
So that's what it looks like when it hits the fan.
B - Even I know when I'm outclassed, which, sadly, is most of the time, but I digress. That hippo should be the F.A.R.T.s mascot. At least he plays our theme song.
Here ia a soviet era joke I found , paraphrased.
Everyday Svetlana Vladimirovna goes to work at the bed factory, producing beds for everyone in the soviet union. Her town doesnt have any beds for themselves because the rest of the country needs them first. And so everyone at the bed factory returns home every night to sleep on the floor. One day Svetlana's sister comes home for a visit,she was apalled that after 10 years they still didnt have beds. she said "You have not been thinking correctly sister, Each day you must steal one piece from the factory and reassemble it after a few weeks." Svetlana listened and replied"It is you who are not thinking correctly, We have tried many times, but each time we assembled them we discovered that we had an automatic kalashnikov instead of a bed."
Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...
and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"
Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
A Psychoanalysts Christmas
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks
and... Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
May be a repost, but still funny
Bear Remover........
A man in rural Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad
for "Up North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old
pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
Kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a
Circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
Clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of
What time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye ."
A really dirty joke:
Rick fell in a mud hole!!!!!!
I just got an e-mail from a friend in Minot, North Dakota. Gale force winds all day, wind chill below zero, snow is up to the windows and more is blowing sideways.
He is getting worried about his wife.
He says she has been standing at the kitchen window staring through the glass for hours.
He says if it gets any worse he may have to let her inside.
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran
with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes
videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed
up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me
in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as
Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in
the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid
out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as
Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still
haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to
run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the
dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle
on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time
I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take
them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you
to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the
garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Hey! I quit when I couldn't stop the clock on the VCR from flashing. It does provide a baseline to check my pulse. At least that's what I told the dog.
Something my Grandpa emailed me:
A toothpaste factory had a problem: wherein they sometimes shipped empty boxes, with no tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every unit coming out is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get mad and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project. They hired an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on the extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, and high quality. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, and someone would walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button to re-start the line.
Some time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and gaining market share. “That’s money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
He was amazed to see that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so something must be wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was absolutely correct - the scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to them on the conveyor belt were at proper weight.
Puzzled, the CEO walked down to the factory, and up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.
“Oh that,” says one of the workers — 'Charlie put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over to restart the line every time the bell rang”.
We spent a million developing a ballpoint pen that would work in zero gravity. The Russian’s used a pencil.
Something else my Grandpa emailed me:
Some words to the wise.
Shooting Advice from various Concealed
Carry Instructors.
If you own a gun, you will appreciate this.
If not, you should get one and learn how to use it:
A: Guns have only two enemies rust and politicians.
B: Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.
C: Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.
D: Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length.
E: Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.
F: The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.
G: The most important rule in a gunfight is:
Always win - cheat if necessary.
H: Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets . . . You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it'll be empty.
I: If you're in a gun fight:
1. If you're not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you're not loading, you should be moving,
3. If you're not moving', you're dead.
J: In a life and death situation, do something . . . It may be wrong, but do something!
K: If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?
L: You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.
M: You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's exist...ing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. Ain't America Great?
Four older guys were walking down a Florida street late one afternoon when they spied a sign they hadn't seen before.
Old Timer's Bar - All Drinks Ten Cents
The four looked at each other and decided to investigate. They walked inside and sat down at a table. The bartender walked over and asked, What'll it be, gents?"
"Is it true the drinks are 10 cents?"
"It is. Any drink you want."
The four guys ordered martinis, shaken not stirred. The bartender brought them over and sat them on the table.
"That'll be 40 cents, fellahs."
"What's the story on the bar and prices," one of the men asked.
"I won 125 million in the lottery. I've always wanted to open a bar and I don't care if I make any money or not. I just enjoy it," the bartender explained. "Everything is 10 cents, beer, whiskey, everything."
What a stroke of luck, they thought. The martinis were excellent and only 10 cents a piece. It wasn't long before they ordered another round. They were equally as good and they had yet to spend a buck.
Sitting at the end of the bar were seven old guys and not a one of them had a drink. They hadn't ordered a thing. They just sat at the bar talking. When the bartender returned to the table with a third round one of the guys asked,
"What the story on the guys at the end of the bar?"
The bartender glanced at the bar then back at the table. With a lowered voice he said,
"Those guys are Wisconsin snow birds. They're waiting for happy hour for the half priced drinks."
What a difference 50 years makes.
1962: Long hair
2012: Longing for hair
1962: KEG
2012: EKG
1962: Acid rock
2012: Acid reflux
1962: Moving to California because it's cool
2012: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1962: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2012: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1962: Seeds and stems
2012: Roughage
1962: Hoping for a BMW
2012: Hoping for a BM
1962: Going to a new, hip joint
2012: Receiving a new hip joint
1962: Rolling Stones
2012: Kidney Stones
1962: Screw the system
2012: Upgrade the system
1962: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2012: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1962: Passing the drivers' test.
2012: Passing the vision test.
1962: Whatever
2012: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, the following will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: Where's the Beef?, I'd walk a mile for a Camel, or de plane, Boss, de plane.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old geezers on your list.
Notice the larger type. That's for those of you who have trouble reading.
So have a nice day!!!!! It is so good to have family and friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking.
When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam. The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?"
The man replied, "I am 78."
The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed
up-- 3 of them.. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED..
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined..
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope..
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the
thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. ..kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in
there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day..
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a
rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer
Been there...done that....he's right....Not a joke.
Not sure if this one's been posted yet:
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
I remember you saying something about a hole in your garage lol, this reminded me of thatQuote:
Originally Posted by hunter63
Just so you know, the writer mentions how a horse won't shake you like a dog. My wife the horse trainer of the family, knew a girl that had this happen to her by her own well trained stallion. Somehow she ticked the horse off so it grabbed her by the waist and shook her and threw her ten feet into a wall. I've seen a documentary where a wild stallion approached a new born foal, sniffed it, then graped it and shook it like a rag doll, killing it instantly. As far as we know we've never heard of a mare doing this. Don't misunderstand me, mares have been known to bite their trainers or attack new born foals even their own if its a mare suffering postmortem blues. However, instead of grabbing and shacking its victim like a rag doll, they tend to hammer with their teeth.
I got this from a friend and scanned it into my computer
Attachment 7465Attachment 7466Attachment 7466
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Rick in a hong:noway:
Rick's Hong, be he wearing it or otherwise is no joke.
Heaven and Hell
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
College Essay: Just remember, on tests, B.S. does pay off.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN
TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers - we now have an open seat on flight 2907 to London".
That's great!Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
Clean up in isle 3!
Now thats a great idea,and on the deer ,they really do have an evil side,I've seen it .