Oh, no. THIS is a good point. (I've always wanted some red binoculars)
http://www.stacylewis.com/hemlock/im...d-pointing.jpg
Printable View
Oh, no. THIS is a good point. (I've always wanted some red binoculars)
http://www.stacylewis.com/hemlock/im...d-pointing.jpg
Useful Bits of Information to Make Your Wilderness Experience More Enjoyable.
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate
Toilet paper is a wilderness necessity. It's perfectly okay to let your hiking partner borrow some if they have forgotten theirs. Giving them a hand, however, is verbotten.
Placing your hands under your armpits or in your crotch is a good way to warm them up. Doing so to a stranger is a good way to get arrested.
LOL,,,,, The underwear thing sounds feasible,,, I wonder how good of a slingshot you could make with your thong ?
Blasphemer!
Q.) Know where you can find a dog with no legs?
A.) Where ever you last left it!
Did you hear about the guy who was both a Veterinarian & a taxidermist? He has a sign that reads "Either way you get your cat back!" :pinch:
Then there was this fella who stopped at a big yard sale at a farm waaaay out in the country. Looking around he noticed a cat on the ground, sitting off to one side drinking milk out of what was, undoubtedly, a very expensive antique bowl. It seemed obvious to him that the owner didn't realize the value of the bowl. Being a crafty sort of a person he knew he had to play it cool.
"Excuse me, sir," he called to the farmer, "but I'll give you 20 bucks for that cat!"
The farmer seemed puzzled, but agreed. The man paid the farmer then picked up the kitty and also picked up the bowl at the same time.
"I'll just take this bowl along so the cat will have something to drink out of." He said.
"Oh no," the farmer replied, I can't let you have that, that's my 'lucky bowl.' That stays with me."
The puzzled young man asked: "What do you mean? How is it lucky?"
"Well," replied the farmer, "ever since I started using it I've sold 12 cats!" :shifty:
Q.) Know what you call a dog with no legs?
A.) It doesn't matter 'cause he won't come anyway.
Things Difficult to Say When Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
The last several years of my work career I rarely drank and so I became the designated driver. Being the only one sober in a group at a strip club at 1:00 a.m. is an experience in and of itself. But man I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I just wish they had camera phones back then. I'd have made a fortune off my co-workers.
Real Situations only a sober guy would appreciate.
Co-worker staggering back from ATM with receipt: "Did I get any money?"
Me: "Yes. And it's still in the ATM. Want me to get it?" (I was standing guard on him)
Co-worker: "Nah, let it ride. Maybe I'll double it." and he staggered off. $200 pulled from the ATM.
Co-worker watching dancer but not paying any money.
Dancer: "What's the matter honey, don't you like a good time?"
Co-Worker: "Sure. But I'm waiting for the good looking girls."
Me: "Check!"
Co-worker staggering back from the bathroom: "Did you know they have a hole in the wall in the bathroom? I peed right out the hole."
Me: "That was the kitchen and you were peeing out the backdoor."
Co-worker: "I thought that bathroom smelled like chicken wings."
Co-Worker staggering back to table while announcement is being made on PA.
"If we catch the SOB that has been tearing dollar bills in half and rolling them up you're going to have to deal with the bouncers."
Co-worker snickering and handing me half a dollar bill.
Me: "Check!"
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas, leading
an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town,
to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance
...
Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's
feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been
fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the
desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun
never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you
ever kissed a mule's ***?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But... I've always
wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.
I kid you not...
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I don't drink wine but I'll take a truck load of that stuff.
Hmmmm. I wonder if the opposite would work.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
You know....would those who drink their own pee, w(h)ine no more?
Rick, your camping one reminded me of this sign.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_c9gaOWdmxT...%2BWARNING.jpg
hahahahahahhah,,, LOVE THIS !!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by finallyME
Two men walk into a bar, the third man ducked just in time.
God and lawn Care God said: "Francis, you know all about gardens
and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I
started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a
vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green
rectangles."
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive
to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST.. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work.
ST.. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST.. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which
they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
ST.. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.
WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and
give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room
and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...SORRY.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that s**t.
Never mind.......
Rowan Atkinson is THE BEST!!!
(btw. I own all episodes of Mr. Bean)
The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only
Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and
a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I love these touching stories!
Here ya go gang!
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOK E OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.. Angrily, back into the
house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty.....)
'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they continue shopping.
A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
What A Woman!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....
3 men show up at the gates of heaven only to be told by St. Peter that he only has room for one so whoever has the most interesting story gets to enter.
The 1st man starts: "Well, I was suspicious that my wife was cheating on me so I went home to our apartment in the middle of the day & burst into her bedroom. There she was, laying naked on top of the bed, but I didn't see anybody else, so I started taking a real good look around. That's when I noticed that her bedroom window was open and I saw these man-size fingers holding onto the ledge, so I smashed them with a hammer. He let go & dropped 8 stories. I looked out the window and saw him falling but he landed on an awning, rolled off, and made it safely to the ground. Angry, I quickly got my refridgerator over to the window & threw it out! It landed on top of him & killed him. I was arrested, tried, found guilty and was sentenced to death so here I am."
"Wow," St. Peter said, "that was intense." He turned to the 2nd man and asks: "So how did you die?"
"Well," The 2nd man replied, "I was working on my terrace on my 9th floor apartment when the wind caught me just right & I fell! Luckily I caught onto this widow ledge of the apartment below. Then some creep starts beating on my fingers with a hammer so I had no choice but to let go. I fell 8 floors but I landed on an awning, rolled off of it, and hit the ground, safely. Then, out of nowhere a fridge lands on me, killing me!"
"Hmmm," St.Peter murmers, then turns to the 3rd guy and asks him how he bought it.
"I was making love to this beautiful married woman when I hear her husband coming home early. So I look for a quick hiding place and dive into this refridgerator...!
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
afraid to cough, solving the problem.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use
the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
funny joke! it was a good laugh!
Hey survialist, I saw from both your profile page & your IP address that your soon to be an Eagle Scout & hail from Montgomery Alabama. My best on your Scouting endeavors! Why not go to the introduction section and tell us more about your self? :shifty:Quote:
Originally Posted by the survivalist
Dear Abbey,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the
minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.Also he has been so arrogant and
abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of
expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten
religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with
people who say the Pope is the anti-Christ, and the next he's with
Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone
can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.
It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed, Lost in Washington, DC
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world,
and have others pay for everything for you. The rest of us are stuck
with the Idiot for two more years! :devil2:
In The Confessional.....
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Wife asks husband to go to the store.
"We need a carton of milk and if they have eggs get 6."
30 minute latter the husband returns with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife asks,"Why did you get 6 cartons of milk?"
Husband answers, "Because they had eggs."
Looks like sound logic to me.
Good CYA guy, thats the way to go :)
Left brain at it's best!
I don't get it. 6 cartons of milk sounds right to me. What am I missing?
And what if she'd said: "...and if they have eggs, get a dozen?" Sheesh! There's no pleasin' some women! :confused1: :innocent: :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
A Good Wife;
A good wife will love you no matter what happens
A good wife will always be there when you need her
A good wife will make you feel like a King
She will make you feel ten feet tall
A good wife will be behind you no matter what adversity comes your way
Nope, sorry, my mistake,
its whisky that does all that!
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE .. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender is shocked.
"Good Lord Pete you lost a leg, a hand and an eye! What happened?" the bartender asks.
"We got into a battle with the French and I lost the leg. Then we got into a battle with the Dutch and I lost the Hand. then a bird pooped in my eye and it was gone."
"Bird poop will not put out your eye Pete!" The bartender answered.
"Nope, but it was my first day with the hook!"