Joke of the day.

Two businessmen in Sun City West Arizona were sitting
down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?

"One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."


Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be
doing well...Only two left.

"Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE=============

A new Movie opens soon..

War of the WorldsII, They're back!

And this time they've got Tylenol......

My favourite comedians, at their super very best!

Fork handles, handles for forks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Swedish made simple.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkWMc...eature=related

Achmed the dead terrorist by Jeff Dunham

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ’Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."

A good education story....
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Why you should leave a space between the stowe and the washing machine?
-Thats where the wife goes...

(told this earlier to my girlfriend, I barely stayed alive)

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta. They see a sign on a store which reads,

"Suits - $5.00 each, shirts - $2.00 each, trousers - $2.50 each".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,

"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts,

"Ya'll are from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaner."

The Afghani Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is
hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he
wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"

“When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.” – Mark Twain-

A women wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband is not in bed. She waits a few minutes for his return. When he doesn't she goes looking for him. She hears a noise down stairs and investigating it finds her husband sitting in his chair in the living room sobering bitterly. "What's wrong?"; she asks.
"When we had been married 10 years I gave some serious thought about killing you. Fear of prison stopped me."
"It's taken 20 years for the guilt to swell in you to the point you weep so bitterly?"
"No I awoke suddenly and realized that with good behavior I'd have gotten out today."

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult for them to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting to see messages from relatives and friends sending their condolences. After reading the first email message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
the school.

The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Navy Chief,
were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was,
before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by crashdive123

A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
the school.

The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Navy Chief,
were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was,
before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

---

This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page! :whistling: :clown: :creepy:

It's old timers, Sarge. Either that or all that "down bubble" has addled his brain......

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sarge47

This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page! :whistling: :clown: :creepy:

---

Yeah, but that was a Marine. Who was gonna believe that?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by crashdive123

Yeah, but that was a Marine. Who was gonna believe that?

---

Not to worry, I thought your joke was hilarious :)

Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rick

Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........

---

Well!!!!! Are you going to keep us in suspense?

This is an advantage of being "mature" the stories are new every time you hear it :)

A fellah is 72 years young and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again say,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

A precious little Louisiana girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner,

"Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,

Leans forward and says;



"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

LOL,,, Good one ~

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on
> business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
>
> The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
> apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
> $5,000 loan.
>
> Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
>
> Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to
> have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
>
> The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
>
> Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..
>
> FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
>
> FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
>
> FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
>
> FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
>
> FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
>
> FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's back-ends that left you.
>
> FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will walk right in and say "I'm home!"
>
> FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital.
>
> FRIENDS: Are for a while.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
>
> FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those who wish they were ITALIAN...*

So the US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment.....Repost this if you agree.

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Rape impossible; woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers
down.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog... he sits down at the bar and orders a drink and some water for his dog. He then picks the dog up by the tail and swings him 360 degrees 3 times over his head and then sets the dog down.....the bartender was yelling, why did you do that to that dog.....

The blind guy says

"I was just looking around....."

Norwegian Fire Dept.

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fo***ng truck!"

hahahahah,, good one !

F-16 vs. C-130
(Very quickly for those without a military background, the F-16 , is a very fast Fighter plane, one or two man crew,. The C-130 is a very slow cargo plane multiple member crew.)


A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
To the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
Cinnamon roll.'


The moral of the story is....
When you are young and foolish -
Speed and flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older and smarter -
Comfort and dull is not such a bad thing

Lol lol love it ! :)

*Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told
police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson
of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under
his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an
employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.* *Outside on the sidewalk
were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program.
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the
Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear
to be severe.* *After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene
Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also
transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken
ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs,
multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken
jaw... Injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb
after stabbing the Marine.*


Now that was a well written Police report. :yes: :thumbs_up: :laugh:

Hotel Stays

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', soshe insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."



'But I didn't use them," she said.


''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers fromEdinburgh, Glasgow ,and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.


"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

7 DEGREES OF BLOND INTELLIGENCE
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, jerk, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy .. it's W."

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ."


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Good Mothers let their children lick the batter off the mixer, great Mothers turn it off first.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by woodsman86

Good Mothers let their children lick the batter off the mixer, great Mothers turn it off first.

---

Rednecks say "Hey y'all.....watch this".

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by crashdive123

Rednecks say "Hey y'all...hold my beer and..watch this".

---

You forgot something there crash

One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hiking. After about an hour, they came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s**t."
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old gentleman decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nell67

You forgot something there crash

---

Good point.