Oh, and don't forget.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM
Printable View
Oh, and don't forget.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM
Is this one a blonde???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtjW7...eature=related
That was funny!
Simple but Brilliant and full of Truths! Enjoy!
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage the U.S. ever has known.
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Oh, man. This is too funny.....No comments please, I don't want this to go political but it is funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6sNl...layer_embedded
Should have warned me, now I have to clean my coffee off the screen :)
AAAAaaaahahahah.....I'll be back, in a minute. I've got to go share this! LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
...Ohhhh Justin........
Two men walk into a bar.
The third man ducks.
A clown walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this some kind of Joke?"
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other: Does this taste funny to you? :confused1:
Don't give up your day job.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
If you ever feel a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?
A: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
A cannibal keeps being approached by missionaries. He eat one after another. He eats a catholic, a Methodist, an Episcopalian, a Mormon, a Baptist and a Nazarene, then even a Pentecostal and a Muslim and lastly a Buddhist and Hindu. Greatly engorged and bloated from his huge feast he heads to his "facilities" and has an Ecumenical Movement.
Redneck Computer terms
Backup; What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code; Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bit; A wager, as in, "I bit you cain't spit that chaw acrosst the porch longways."
Bug; The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte; Whut them flys do; First word in a kiss-off phrase;
What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
Cache; Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip; Munchies fer the TV; Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Crash; When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Cursor; What some guys do when they're mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Digital; The art of counting on your fingers
Digital Control; What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
Diskette; Female Disco dancer
Dot Matrix; Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Download; Getting the farwood out of the pickup
Edit; Whut ya did with dessert
Enter; Northern talk fer "y'all c'mon in"
Fax; What you lie about to the IRS
Floppy; When you run out of Polygrip.
Floppy Disk; Whatcha git from trying to carry too much farwood
Hacker; Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hard Drive; Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires while pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Hardcopy; Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet; Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard; That thing with hooks to hang your truck keys.
LAN; To borrow, as in, "Hey, Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
Laptop; Whar the kitty sleeps
Log Off; Don't add no more wood
Log on ; Making a wood stove hotter
Mac; Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Main Frame; What holds up the barn ruf
Megahertz; When yer not careful getting the farwood or any time I get offended, someone will;
How your head feels after 17 beers
Micro Chip; Whut's left in the munchie bag
Modem; What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Montior; Keeping an eye on the woodstove
Mouse; Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
Mouse Pad; Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network; Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line; Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online; Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
Packet; What you do to a suitcase or Wal-mart bag afore a trip.
Port; Fancy flatlander wine
Prompt; Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
RAM; That thing whut splits the farwood
Random Access Memory; When ya cain't member whut ya paid fer yer rifle when yor wife asks
Reboot ; What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
ROM; Delicious when you mix it with coca cola; Where the pope lives
Screen; Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SCSI; What you call your week-old underwear
Serial Port; A red wine you drink with breakfast
Software; Them plastic forks and knives
Superconductor; Amtrak's Employee of the year
Terminal; Time to call the undertaker
Window; Place in your truck to hang your guns
Windows; Whut to shut when it's cold outside
That reminds me. I had an uncle who was a magician ------ he would walk down the street and turn into a bar.Quote:
Originally Posted by hoosierarcher
What are you talking about? This IS my day job! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.
"Where's Billy Bob?"
"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"
The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident near Marsh Island, Louisiana, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Wildlife and Fisheries agents. "We knowit's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the agents."Tell me! Did you find her?"The agents looked at each other.
Finally, one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second agent said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The agent continued, "When we pulled her up, she had six twenty-five pound blue point crabs and four dozen good-size crawfish clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The agent answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
know why cannibals won't eat divorced women? Because they taste bitter. :2:
(credit for the "cannibal" jokes go to Bragg Survivor as he originally posted them on this forum elsewhere.)
Idiot Sightings
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's
open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side . '
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did
not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but
we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving
the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments .
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please
remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us......and they VOTE
A guy gets pulled over by a state trooper and when the officer approaches the car the driver informs him he has a CCW and there are weapons in the car.
"What do you have on you?" the officer asks.
".45 on my belt and a .357 in an ankle holster." the driver answers.
"That all?" the officer asks.
"Well, there's also a Glock in the glove box, shotgun in the trunk and an AR behind the seat."
"What are you afraid of buddy?" the officer asks.
"Not a single thing officer, not a single thing!"
Modern electronics that even I can understand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39...layer_embedded
I had a terrible problem with my TV last week but the cable guy fixed it pretty quickly. It turns out the right wing cable was plugged into the left wing jack. Things were really messed up there for a while.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.
Muslim Culture Meets German Engineering
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q51hVC0Lgwg
I dont know why I can see Rick doing this.
My Trip To Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club
Buying a large bag of Purina dog chowFor my loyal pet, Rover and was in the Checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So sinceI'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, IDidn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that IProbably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but thatI'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward withTubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way thatIt works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simplyEat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallyComplete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have toMention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled withMy story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care becauseThe dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniffAn Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heartAttack he was laughing so hard.Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore..Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in theWorld to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to allYour retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the
Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a
good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene
in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he
spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He
has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super
Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young
man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
"You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very
moment, there are gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get
raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!"
Oh, man. That's funny......
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde..
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark. It's winter in NJ and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L.. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group -Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher
~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
How about this
The president has decided to do away with the U.S. Marshall's service, but he needs another agency to take over hunting fugitives. The government decides to run a simple test to determine who will take over this duty. They narrow it down to the FBI, the CIA and the LAPD. The test will consist of releasing a rabbit into the wilderness, the agency that is able to recapture the rabbit fastest, will be the winner.
The FBI goes first. After a two year long investigation that cost the government over 250 million dollars, the FBI concludes that the rabbit never actually existed.
Next up is the CIA. They burn down half of the forest, interrogate all the forest creatures and conclude that the rabbit fled to the tribal areas of Pakistan.
The LAPD is last. They run into the forest. Fifteen minutes later, they lead a bear out of the woods. The bear is bruised, bleeding and beaten. The bear is screaming at the top of his lungs "all right, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.
At St. Ambrose Catholic Church on the Hill, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the good Padre Vincenzo Bommarito asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italia for the 25th anniversary!'
Father Vince responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands on the Hill! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."
TRY THIS
1. Go to Google Maps and click get directions.
2. Write U.S.A. as your start point.
3. Write Japan as your destination. ...
4. Go to the 31st point on your route.
...
Seriously?
Nell, it is Google and on the Internet, how can it not be serious :) I wonder how many arguements that has caused ?
Okay, I'm going to "pass" on the Japan trip. Item 31 is just out of my league.
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic watering system to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and sense the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.