Two of life's greatest virtues are patience and wisdom.
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Two of life's greatest virtues are patience and wisdom.
Good one ! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man relies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, "My wife.”
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men,could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Someone must really like Hospital food:nod:
No, I learned to duck and cover very early in life :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
Grandma Still Drives -- PRICELESS
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed..
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Lol,, Good One ! :)
My wife's aunt was around 85 and still driving. She had just gone to the grocery store and was on her way home when she somehow, Lord only knows how, turned the car upside down. Rolled it on a residential street. The cops arrived on scene pronto and helped the paramedics drag her out of the car. She's laying on a back board and the medics are doing triage.
"Are you okay?" one of them asked her.
She motioned him closer as she tried to catch her breath.
"Don't let my meat spoil."
My brother in law had to go down and gather up all her groceries and put them away. She would have been one P.O.'d old lady if the meat would have spoiled.
Bless her heart. It's a true story, I swear.
Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted !
That's nuts. :clap: :innocent: :winkiss:Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin Case
It turns out that folks around here are pretty dang sure of themselves!!! LOL
Quote:
North Carolina Declares War on the USA
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here in Greenville , North Carolina , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from the local VA Lodge. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s John Deere tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again about twenty minutes later.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Well, nuts," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way in hell we can feed two million prisoners.."
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly -
Statement of the Century: "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
...'cause a headache is not a task? :rolleyes:
I may have posted this one, before...but what the heck.
Quote:
100 mph goat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Not a d**n thing..."
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
A white-haired widowed man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his friend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
All Seniors Aren't Senile
LOL good one !! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by hunter63
I just received an early Christmas present. My wife bought me an ATV!!!!!
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q...one/oldatv.jpg
Glad to see that you're wearing your hemmit! LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Cletus & Billy Bob
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
Looks like someone is getting a chunk of coal in their stocking this year.
http://www.bartcop.com/palin-mounted-rudolph.jpg
I got to visit with Santa at the mall yesterday. I've put in my request.
http://www.mudtrap.com/images/funny-...n-graphic2.jpg
that's where she was having trouble before: the caribou and salmon didn't have beacons on them.
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A grand daughter's letter to Santa.
Dear Santa,
Please bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer.
Love,
Chelsea
ROFL !! hahahahaQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
* ATD: At The Doctor's
* BFF: Best Friend Farted
* BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
* BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM: Covered By Medicare
* CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
* DWI: Driving While Incontinent
* FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
* FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
* FYI: Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
* GHA: Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL: Living On Lipitor
* LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
* ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
* SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
* TTYL: Talk To You Louder
* WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
* WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
* WTP: Where's The Prunes?
* WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Ha hahahaha,, going to spread this
*PCMD: Please change my Depends.
Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Gotta love military time
I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
...before she sets the house on fire with him in it, for warmth. :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
What is it about blonds?
Don't know. Remember that beauty contestant's answer that was heard around the world?Quote:
Originally Posted by BENESSE
http://peachiz1123.files.wordpress.c...umb-blonde.jpg
Hard to forget.