Just so they know it is a joke. I don't care. Can title it jokes if ya want to.
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Just so they know it is a joke. I don't care. Can title it jokes if ya want to.
I do hope that this one does not offend anyone.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
HA HA HA I don't care who you are, that's funny.
:blushing:guess I shoulda posted on the regular jokes huh? o well, now we got another one.
I'm moving it right now. :cool2:
A group of friends went deer hunting
and paired off in twos for the day.. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others
asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter
replied.
'You left Henry laying out there
and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But
I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!'
haha, that is messed up!
And thanks so much Sarge.
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking
Betcha' Nell could do that when she was clean sober. Just sayin'. :innocent:
Clean and sober? Backing QUICKLY away from thread. Now running like H**l!!!!!
Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by ken
OK Rick - it's safe to come back.
A mechanic was working on the brakes of a car when a drop of brake fluid landed on his lips. To his surprise, it tasted very good. He dabbed his finger in a bit of the fluid and touched it to his lips. Amazing!
That evening he told his buddy what had happened. "That stuff is really good," he told him.
Later that week, the two of them were sitting around drinking beer and the mechanic said, "You know, I drank a cap full of brake fluid today. I can't get over just how good that stuff tastes."
"Are you nuts?" asked his buddy. "That stuff is poisonous. You keep drinking that and you'll either get hooked on it or kill yourself."
"Nonsense," replied the mechanic. "I can stop any time I want."
You really should get a day job.
see crash, this is what happens when you invite Rick back
just sayin'
And to BOTH of you...
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q..._zone/moon.gif
Wow, Rick, you were able to pull those pants right over your head! :innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
* Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter: “All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.
Signed, God Gen, USAF, Retired.”
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* The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building.”
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.
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* Three men are using the latrine: an airman, a sailor, and a soldier. The airman finishes and washes his hands using a lot of soap and water, then dries using five paper towels. He says “In the Air Force, we’re taught to wash and dry thoroughly.” The sailor finishes and washes his hands using very little soap and water and dries with one paper towel. He says “In the Navy, we’re taught to conserve our resources.” The soldier finishes and walks out, saying, “In the Army, we just don’t pee on our hands.”
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* There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord Air Force Base FB to Fort Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals.”
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Army guy replies, “You’re da** right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!” The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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* The four service chiefs are sitting around debating which service has the bravest troops.
The Army chief steps up, calls over a soldier and says, “Soldier, go take out that insurgent house by yourself.” The soldier salutes smartly, yells “Hooah!” and charges into the building, fighting bravely before being eventually overcome. The Army chief says, “See? That’s courage!”
The Marine Corps commandant stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll show you real courage.” He calls over a young Marine and says, “Marine, charge that terrorist camp by yourself and kill ‘em all!” The Marine salutes smartly, yells “Semper Fi!” and charges into the camp, fighting valiantly before eventually being overcome. The commandant says, “Now that’s courage!”
The Navy chief stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll give you some real courage! He calls over a young seaman and says, “Seaman, go swim out to sea in shark-infested waters by yourself and clear that underwater minefield!” The sailor salutes smartly, says “Aye, aye, sir!” and jumps into the water, bravely fighting off the sharks and attacking the mines until eventually being overcome. The Navy chief says, “Now there’s Navy courage!”
The Air Force chief smiles to his fellow service chiefs and quietly calls over a young airman. “Airman,” he says, “I want you to fly through those impenetrable air defenses over there and bomb that target.” The airman sees his mission into impending doom, looks at the chief, and says “Sc**w you, sir,” and walks away. The Air Force chief looks around at the table and says, “See? Now that’s courage!”
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* Q: The Air Force calls them helicopters, the Army calls them choppers … what does the Marine Corps call them?
A: “UUNGHHH! UUNGHH!” (while pointing skyward).