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A farmer carrying a sheep walks into his kitchen where his wife is preparing supper. He says: "This pig is who I have sex with when you're not around."
His wife responded: "That's not a pig, that's a sheep."
The farmer looked at her & said: "I wasn't talking to you!"
How do you get an Irishman out of a bar?
Could happen.
LOL,, Thats baaaaaad .
New dog breeds:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting.
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhaso Apso = Peekassso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10 year old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And what's your cat's name?"
"Bob."
"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.
The kid miles and said..."Dennis Hopper."
Even more new breeds: :innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Puli + Pug = Pulipug, a dog that always gives up.
Scottish Terrier + Scottish Deerhound = Double Scotch, a preferred beverage of many Forum members
Sealyham Terrier + Wheaten Terrier = Ham'nWheat. Simply add mustard.
Polish Lowland Sheepdog + Sealyham Terrier = Polish Ham. 'Nuff said.
Plott + Russian Toy = Russian Plot, a dog known for it's espionage skills.
Boston Terrier + Kai Ken = Boston Ken. That would be me. :)
Bolognese + Italian Greyhound = Italian Bolognese. A perfect meal.
Bulldog + Shih Tzu = Bullshiht, a dog named in honor of wareagles posts :smash:
http://thewareaglereader.files.wordp...08/toarms1.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by Ken
:burst:
An Indian Chief was sitting with his son under a palmtree enjoying the afternoon. Out of the blue, his son asked, dad, why is my sister’s name “Falling Branch”? Well son, the Chief said. When your mother and I were having fun a branch fell on the tipi and when your sister was born, we called her “Falling Branch”. Why is my brother called “Running Deer”? The Chief said, same thing, when your mother and I were having fun, a deer ran by the tipi. But why do ask these questions Tearing Rubber?
The other day I had two black eyes and this person asked me how I got those, I said, well, on the hot day we had recently, I was standing in line in the grocery store and this rather big lady was in front of me. I noticed that her dress got stuck between her bottom. I thought that must be unconfortable, so I pulled it out.
And the other black eye?
Well, after that I figured she must not like that, so I pushed it back in.
LOL,,,, good one !
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
'Good trade.....'
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that....... Never mind.
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the world I've sent it to. And keep in mind that I was doing something else before I sent this and can't remember what it was!
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
Butts arrested in Boob murder case...check it out!
http://wearecentralpa.com/wtaj-news-...65&shr=addthis
:innocent:
Children Are Quick
___________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE
That reminds me of my friend's daughter who informed the school nurse that she has "80HD"
Finnish drinking game
There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....
Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....
Finnish weather explained
+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".
-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.
-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
At the airport...
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous! And I think she's a flight attendant...but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Hmm, no, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again; "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!"
This time the woman looked at him, irritated, and screamed "What the $%#! do you want?!"
The man slumped back in his chair, and said: "Ahh, Finnair..."
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake..
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small Gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Courthouse."
"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out
of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap
out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but an a$$hole and a briefcase.
Two drunks are sitting on a dock in the Florida Bayou region, drunk as a couple of skunks. All of a sudden they here a crunching sound & one of them starts & says: "Hey man, an alligator just bit off my leg!"
The 2nd one asks: "Which one?"
The 1st one responds: "I don't know man, all alligators look alike to me!"
__________________________________________________ _______
Two drunks are sitting on a park bench in front of the Lion's cage when a big male lion let's out a roar. One says to the other: "I hope I haven't seen this movie before."
__________________________________________________ _______
A drunk walks out of a liquor store carrying a pint bottle of Mad Dog 20-20. He slips the bottle into his back pants pocket & begins to cross the street, only to be knocked down by a car. Getting up he feels a warm liquid running down his leg. "Dang!" He cries, "I sure hope that's blood!"
__________________________________________________ _______
Former Illinois Governor Ron Blayogivich get's convicted in his 2nd trial & goes to prison. He's sitting in the prison yard, feeling pretty depressed, when another con joins him.
"Hey Ron," the 2nd con says, "cheer up, it's not that bad in here. On Monday nights we have "book" night. All the cons read the same book, then discuss the plot line, characters, dialouge, the sub-text, that sort of thing; do you like to read, Ron?"
Ron says: "NO!"
"Oh." The 2nd con says, "Well on Tuesday night we have "Arts & Crafts night." All the cons show off all of the stuff they've been working on; do you like arts & crafts Ron?"
The former Governor says: "NO!"
"Oh." The 2nd con says. He's quiet for a moment, then asks: "Ron, are you gay?"
Ron blows up at this question. "NO I"M NOT GAY!" he yells.
"Oh, the 2nd fellow says, "Then you're really gonna hate Wednesdays!" :innocent: :sneaky2:
Ok NCO, I can't wait anymore,
who did go outside?
The Swedish - with their Mora Knives. With one of those awesome tools they can survive anything.:dodge::dodge::dodge:Quote:
Originally Posted by tsitenha
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your a***s and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your a***s, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, ***** has stolen your shovel, taxed your a***s, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English.
I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Quote:
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Now thats funny:FRlol::FRlol::FRlol:
A really bad day
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when
a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd
CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a
complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car
had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener,
and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an
end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here
watching the poison dissolve.
Then you, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style
house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**.
Those of you who have not retired yet can see why we love it!!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount..
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Happiness is a voyage, not a destination,
There is no better time to be happy than... NOW
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
"2) Wrinkles don't hurt.", but a whole lot of what caused them did. :chair:
I don't have wrinkles. I try to eat enough to keep them filled out.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a red headed woman having a bad day?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.:m107:
That's what they were trying to do. Negotiate.:blush:
F.a.r.t Iq Test
First Question:
You Are A Participant In A Race. You Overtake The Second Person. What Position Are You In?
Answer: If You Answered That You Are First,
Then You Are Absolutely Wrong! If You Overtake The Second Person And You Take His Place, You Are In Second Place!
Try To Do Better Next Time.
Now Answer The Second Question,
But Don’t Take As Much Time As
You Took For The First Question, Ok?
Second Question:
If You Overtake The Last Person, Then You Are....?
Answer: If You Answered That You Are Second To Last, Then You Are..... Wrong Again. Tell Me Sunshine, How Can You Overtake The Last Person??
You’re Not Very Good At This, Are You?
Third Question:
Very Tricky Arithmetic! Note:
This Must Be Done In Your Head Only.
Do Not Use Paper And Pencil Or A Calculator.
Try It.
Take 1000 And Add 40 To It. Now Add Another 1000 Now Add 30.
Add Another 1000. Now Add 20 ... Now Add Another 1000.
Now Add 10. What Is The Total?
Scroll Down For The Correct Answer....
Did You Get 5000?
The Correct Answer Is Actually 4100...if You Don't Believe It, Check It With A Calculator!
Today Is Definitely Not Your Day, Is It?maybe You’ll Get The Last Question Right.... Maybe...fourth Question:
Mary 's Father Has Five Daughters:
- nana,2. Nene,3. Nini,4. Nono, And???
- what Is The Name Of The Fifth Daughter?
Did You Answer Nunu? No! Of Course It Isn't.
Her Name Ismary! Read The Question Again!
Okay, Now The Bonus Round,
I.e., A Final Chance To
Redeem Yourself:
A Mute Person Goes Into A Shop And Wants To Buy A Toothbrush.
By Imitating The Action Of Brushing His Teeth He
Successfully Expresses Himself To The Shopkeeper And The Purchase Is Done.
Next, A Blind Man Comes Into The Shop Who Wants To Buy A
Pair Of Sunglasses; How Does He Indicate What He Wants?
It's Really Very Simple…
He Opens His Mouth And Asks For It…
Does Your Employer Actually Pay You To Think??
If So Do Not Let Them See Your Answers For This Test!
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to any of you who fly routinely.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Three golfers,Jesus,Moses and an old man,get to the 18th tee.It's all tied.All three have the same score.Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock.He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.Moses' second shot also goes into the water and sinks.He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.The old man also hits his second shot into the water,but it lands on a water lily.A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball.Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him,with the ball,right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.Moses turns to Jesus and says,''You know,I really hate playing with your Dad.''
Hillbilly Spelling test
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs?
L I B! M R ducks
M R snakes
M R not
O S A R
C M B D eyes?
L I B! M R snakes
M R mice
M R not
O S A R
C M E D B D feet?
L I B! M R mice
M R farmers
M R not
O S A R
C M M T pockets
L I B! M R farmers
M R puppies
M R not
O S A R
C M P N
L I B! M R puppies
Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test
Them are ducks
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them wings?
Well I'll be! Them are ducks
Them are snakes
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them beady eyes?
Well I'll be! Them are snakes
Them are mice
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them itty bitty feet?
Well I'll be! Them are mice
Them are farmers
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them empty pockets?
Well I'll be! Them are farmers
Them are puppies
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them peeing?
Well I'll be! Them are puppies
Bad joke JC. Not translatable to real life.
Take it from one that lives in the heart of Redneckia and grew up speaking Southern, I had to think about the translation before I could understand that dialect.
That is what people from Kalifornia "think" Rednecks talk like. the actual usage is more like this;
"U kaint unerstan hlf wht ary one of em damyankees outwes sez."
It sounds even better if you say it with a mouth full of marshmellows! That give you the Broomhower effect.
Yes, I have a Phd and have to fight daily not to talk like that. I have lost jobs due to the accent.
You need to get on Amazon and find a copy of How To Speak Southern.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Speak-Sout.../dp/0553275194
Now keep in mind that this is actually the English dialect that was spoken my the early settlers. The real historic english. What passes for American English is a warped form of the language modified to fit the Irish, Italian, German and Polish speaker capabilities as they immigrated, mostly to the northern states. They could not say part of the true English words and warped the language to fit what their limited vocal capabilities allowed them to say. Then the midwest got a shot of the Scandinavian limitations and someone decided, about when national radio networks developed, that the midwestern accent should be the standard.
Now everyone thinks the talking heads are speaking properly and accept it as fact.
You should come to one of our family reunions, we'll show you haow to talk southern. Everyone needs to know how. There are aspects and advantages of the southern dialect that only them chosen and blessed to be southern know about.
:knight:
Maybe we should not let the British know about this. You know how persnickety they can get.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyrat
Saw this and immidiately thought about AKS and SD on their outhouse runs this winter.
http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z...frozen-pee.jpg
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are SO on my sh__ list ...
That could explain why I understand a Southern accent then!:blush:Quote:
Originally Posted by kyratshooter