Joke of the day.

I can't remember if this one has been posted.:blushing:
Oh, well....

Quote:

---

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee... As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator."


Some old men can still think fast.

---

BS and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could
have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

:sneaky2: :sneaky2: :sneaky2:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Little Larry should be out of time out by 2019.

Mommy do people go to Heaven feet first ?

I don't know, why ?

Because Daddy is upstairs with the Maid, she's got her feet in the air screaming "Oh God I'm coming" and he's trying to hold her down.

The Story of the Post Turtle

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q...postturtle.jpg

One day a 75 year old rancher caught his hand in the gate while working his cattle. The cut was pretty bad, beyond just wrapping it and goin' ahead with the days chores. So he called upon the town's doctor to have it stitched. As the doctor sutured the old man's hand he struck up a conversation with him. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Turtle?"

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there in the first place."

There was no charge for the stitchin'.

These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
; We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

Cute rules.
I can see how life would be so much simpler if only half were followed.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BENESSE

Cute rules.
I can see how life would be so much simpler if only half were followed.

---

BEE,don't encourage him,it WILL get him in deep doo doo!

The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have gotten numerous calls....

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call and ask for "Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever......

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nell67

BEE,don't encourage him,it WILL get him in deep doo doo!

---

Well that's the point, Nell. :sneaky2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by benesse

the Following Ad In "the Atlanta Journal" Is Reported To Have Gotten Numerous Calls....

Single Black Female... Seeks Male Companionship, Ethnicity Unimportant. I'm A Very Good Looking Girl Who Loves To Play. I Love Long Walks In The Woods, Riding In Your Pickup Truck, Hunting, Camping, And Fishing Trips, Cozy Winter Nights Lying By The Fire. Candlelight Dinners Will Have Me Eating Out Of Your Hand. Rub Me The Right Way And Watch Me Respond. I'll Be At The Front Door When You Get Home From Work, Wearing Only What Nature Gave Me. Kiss Me And I'm Yours. Call And Ask For "daisy."

over 150 Men Found Themselves Talking To The Local Humane Society About An Eight-week-old Black Labrador Retriever......

---

Lmao!!!!!!!!

OK ladies. It is too late for me, just trying to help some of the younger male members :)

Pal, are you saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks? :)
(btw. it's never too late...try one and see how it works out.)

Ha Ha Ha.. Very funny!

Hey bushed out, why not laugh you way over to our Introduction section and tell us a bit about yourself?

http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...ead.php?t=7813

Maybe he's too tired ? :innocent:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BENESSE

Pal, are you saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks? :)
(btw. it's never too late...try one and see how it works out.)

---

I guess you could teach an old dog new tricks, but when you have a "catch" such as me, not sure it would be worth the effort :online2long:

I suppose you can always "play dead".
Works for Mr. B.

We've all heard the old story of the ant and the grasshopper. Well, here's today's version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condems the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because thegrasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

Not really a joke, but I can relate.

Speaking of Marines.....................


If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!


A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,
"GOD was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BENESSE

I suppose you can always "play dead".
Works for Mr. B.

---

Hmmm,, I should share the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"

This might help clarify some basics:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pal334

Hmmm,, I should share the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"

---

Works for me!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by hunter63

Not really a joke, but I can relate.

Speaking of Marines.....................


If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!


A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,
"GOD was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

---

is he still in Jail ? :innocent:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little twit!"

Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.

Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

A $50 Lesson.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President someday.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her: "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied: "I'd give food to the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow... what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my patio, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said: "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Justin Case

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

---

Evil, rich, white guys I guess. Isn't that who hires the dirty, hungry, illegal aliens, that don't have cars? You know....the ones who are the reason for the illegals coming here.:innocent:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Justin Case

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

---

LOL...you know....as hard a time as you have seeing the point, I bet you cut yourself every time you pick up a knife! LOL:tongue_smilie::blushing::innocent:

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR IT.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=078_1281746816


The latest CIA intel from the border region of Pakistan has been released by the Whitehouse today. The video is of good quality and shows a new training method for front line Taliban forces. The main cause of death for the Taliban is currently the AH-64 Apache used by the USA and UK forces in Afghanistan. This cutting edge warplane can see in pitch darkness and from many miles away. Most of the engagments take the Taliban by complete suprise and due to this they have developed the 'Alach al hamimm' or 'run like ****' evasion method.
As can clearly be seen in this video the procedure is to at first move off slowly and build up speed whilst constantly looking over your shoulder and screaming like a girl. This advanced manuver can be performed by all members of a Taliban patrol, or at least all those left after the initial strike.
US Army General Max ****enburger stated that the running machine 'was in no way a substitute for one of my Apaches chasing you at 20 feet whilst trying to push 20mm shells up your ***'.
The CIA have commented on the release saying 'Pakistan only has 3 running machines, 2 of which are having servicability issues after being fitted with Iranian made parts.'
The Pakistan government say they know nothing.

And in other news.....

The Taliban has been successful in training monkeys to fight Americans. Said Taliban commander Achbin Mohammed, "They are easy to train. Much smarter than most Taliban fighters and they have that da@#$ prehensile tail to throw grenades with."

http://news.discovery.com/animals/ta...errorists.html

So that's what screaming like a little school girl sounds like.

AARP eye chart:

I need to update my prescription.

B,,, you are a mean woman :)

I bought a new Ford truck yesterday and after playing with all the gizmos, knobs and switches I had to take it back to the dealership because I couldn't figure out how to work the radio.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few hours, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Last night, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Azz Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, The President of The United States.

I'm gonna love this truck!