Good one Nell. Very, very nice.
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Good one Nell. Very, very nice.
Nicely done MDN :D
Camping Turtles
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won’t," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I’m not going!"
Bwahahahahahaa!!!!:d:d
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGEfan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and
you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you
that communication is important. I question the
suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have
much substance or necessity. Why would you make me
call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they
DO NOT want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this
time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But,
the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn
or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no
way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take e a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
HA! (snort!!!) Coffee went up my nose!!!:)
Bear Alert
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
Guess those bells are actually grizz dinner bells then,eh?:D
I guess your better off being a bell than the person wearing it
Uh, think ya missed the joke........
One day a Grizzly bear was using the bathroom in the woods. A rabbit happened to hop by. The Grizzly said Rabbit, does dung stick to your fur? The Rabbit answered: Why no mr bear dung doesnt stick to my fur!The Bear answered and said: Good i need something to wipe with!
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many
Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced,
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family five or six
generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds
of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
'Sh1t!,' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old folks home
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh1t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H*LL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my boys nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!
SON-OF-A-BE OCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my boys and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
ROFLMAO, I would have paid money to see that. You should send that to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall.
Did this really happen to you? My wife had read the same thing almost word for word on another forum...or maybe that was you as well?:cool:
Nope. Just a joke. Someone sent it to me. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I'd share it. My wife doesn't need a taser. She can handle herself pretty well. At least I know where my place is. I don't know about anyone else.:o
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".The other replied, "No, it's not!".The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
THE BEAR AND THE ATHEIST
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7ft grizzly charging toward him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!... Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then the bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but could you perhaps make the bear a Christian? "Very well," said the voice. The light went out.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
Very funny.
This is so funny,give it a listen.
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
LMAO - wish I could have seen it.
no video,only audio with it,sorry.
No - I wish I had been there to see it.
I know,and you know that someone somewhere has this on their cell phone,now if only they'd put it up on youtube:)
I can just picture somebody like Larry the Cable Guy doing this.
A man named Bill ran into a guy he knew from High School only to find him quite changed. He was dressed in a pirate's outfit, had a peg-leg, his right hand had been replaced with a hook, had an eye-patch over one eye, & a parrot on his shoulder. "Jim," he said, "what's up with you? You look like a pirate!"
"That's right matey!" Jim snarled in his best pirate's voice. I joined up with a pirate crew right after high school!"
"Wow!" Bill replied, "How'd you lose the leg?"
"Well we attacked this ship & during a sword fight with a guy I made a blunder & he cut off my leg! So I replaced it with this peg!" Jim answered.
"Man, that's tough! How'd you lose the arm?" Bill asked.
"Well in the next sword fight I had after I'd put the peg-leg on, I slipped with it because I wasn't used to it and the guy I was fighting cut off my right hand! So I replaced it with a hook!"
"Wow!" Bill said, "And what happened to your eye?"
"Oh, that. Well I was in the Crow's nest & I looked up at a seagull & he crapped in it!"
Bill got a puzzled look on his face. "Seagull poop makes you go blind?" he asked.
Jim looked a bit embarrassed. "It does when you forget you're right hand is a hook!":eek:
let us learn how to use our hands when among seagulls.
......or not look up......and be real glad that cows don't fly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
they don't? what about buffalo wings? huh? huh?
I concede your point.
http://www.worth1000.com/entries/263...3565VbDA_w.jpg
There was a lion who was drinking at a watering hole in Africa when a chimpanzee spotted him, noticing that the Lion had his hind parts sticking up in the air. Quickly the Chimp ran up to the lion and kicked him really hard in the butt! The Lion let out a roar & chased the Chimp across the meadow. The Chimp ran as fast as he could while the lion chased him, gaining ground a little at a time. The Chimp quickly climbed up a tree, but the lion followed. The Chimp climbed higher to some of the weaker branches & gained some distance as he jumped from tree to tree; but the Lion was still on his trail. Suddenly the Chimp spotted a hunters camp set up in a clearing & quickly ran through a tent, grabbing a Pith Helmet as he went through. He quickly put the helmet on, jumped up & sat in an empty chair, grabbing a newspaper he pretended to read.
The lion leaped into the middle of the compound, only to get a confused look on his face. "Has anybody seen a crazy Chimpanzee run through here?"
The Chimp couldn't resist and said: "Is that the chimp that kicked that big dumb old lion in the butt?"
The Lion got a weird look on his face & said: "Is that in the paper already?":eek:
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."
_________________
A couple took a vacation to a national park with excellent fishing. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife used the opportunity to take the boat out. She did not know (or care) that several areas of the lake were closed to fishing. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Before long a park ranger in his boat pulled up alongside her and greeted her with: "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "is this guy blind, or what?"
"You're in a no-fishing area," he informed her.
"But, ranger, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, ma'am. I'll have to take you in and arrest you."
"If you do I'll turn around and charge you with sexual assault," snapped the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," shot back the ranger.
"Yes, that's true . . . but you have all the equipment."
There was three men that got stranded in the desert, each decided to carry something to help them to survive. The first guy brought with him the radiator from the car. the second guy brought the battery and the stereo,and the third guy carried one of the car doors.After hiking 20 miles they stoped to rest. the first guy asked the second guy"why did you carry the battery"? he answered, so we could hear the weather reports.Wht did you carry the radiator? the first guy said" to drink from when we get thirsty.the third guy poped up and said,"I brought the car door so if it got hot we could roll down the window"!
This one is for Coot...
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. ?He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's a$$?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
so there was this experiment for military pilots.Quote:
Originally Posted by Proud American
Some doctors were testing the effects of brain damage on pilot's ability to fly a mission. They had developed a machine that would instantly remove a portion of the brain.
During the testing, they had a USAF pilot in the air, flying along, fully coherent, and singing "off we go, into the wild Blue yonder!"
The docs activated the machine, which instantly removed 1/3 of his brain. The plane bobbled, but the pilot was fine. The only noticeable difference was that he was now singing "Anchors A- weigh, my boy, Anchors A-Weigh..."
The docs were truly amazed and again activated the machine, which removed another 1/3 of his brain. The plane bobbled, but the pilot was otherwise fine. Only change was that he was now singing "over hill, over dale...."
So the docs, just thrilled with the results of their experiment, activated the machine again, removing the last 1/3 of the pilots brain. The plane immediately nose-dived, and the last thing they heard over the radio was "From the halls of Montezuma....
I know some Recons. that might be mad about that..............
no wait i forgot they can't read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!
That's just wrong Crash!:D