Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
Two male hikers were undressing in the shelter. One noticed the other was wearing panty hose.
“Why are you wearing those?!”
“Because they keep my legs warm.”
“Wow, I never would have thought of that. How long have you been using them?”
“Since my wife found them in my backpack.”
Two best friends decide to take a camping trip for a week in the mountains. After three days, they want to kill each other.
So, Bob says, "Why don't we split up for the day. You go up to the north and I'll go down to the south." Al agrees it's a good idea to split up.
After the day is over they meet back at the campfire to discuss the days events. Al goes first. "I had a beautiful day, Bob. I walked to the to top of the hill, found a pond and decided to sunbath there for the day. I saw a deer and it's baby drink out of the pond, a bear and it's cub playing in the grass. It was beautiful. How was your day?"
"Well, AL, it was sort of the same. I walked down to the bottom of the mountain and followed these train tracks when all of a sudden I found a gorgeous woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, gently picked her up and we made passionate love all day long."
All excited now, Al asks "Was she a Blonde?"
"I don't know.....I couldn't find her head!!!"
What did Rick say when he walked into a bar ?
Ouch! @&%* it!
Very dissapointed in you rick, Walking into a public place and shouting that, Tut Tut *Shakes head*Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Sick. Very sick. I like it.:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Working With The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
FBI, Rubbish you need the CIA for that jobQuote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
hahahahaha, I've heard a version of that and this one is even better.
The one I heard was:
a guy is in jail, and knowing that they would monitor his calls, he tells his wife "honey, don't start a garden in the front lawn yet. I still have all the weed hidden in there." So police go and dig up his front lawn. The next day he calls and says "ok, now you can plant the garden"
Tony - If I walked into a bar, it would hurt.
Hmmmm, Strange, Normaly when people walk into a bar they go up to the counter and order drinksQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
except when chuck norris walks into a bar; the bar hurts.
Some of the old guys on here could prob relate to this:
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Tony - There is a difference between walking INTO a bar and walking INSIDE a bar. Get it? Walking INTO a bar would hurt. Smack! (tap) (tap) Is this thing on?
The audience left a long time ago Rick.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
and they unplugged your mic on the way out..
Yo momma so fat...
She makes walking staffs out of California redwoods.
She uses a Mountain Hardware Space Station as an umbrella on rainy days.
When hiking in a group she is the trail breaker and the straggler...at the same time.
When she's out, bears wear bells.
She's got her own Range (with various crevasses, gullies, valleys... runoffs... )...
...and a 500 page guide dedicated to it...
Your mommas so old she taught jesus in the 3rd grade
A lonely hiker sees a sign that says "Talking Dog for Sale". so he walks up to the house and sees a farmer sitting on the porch. The hiker says (rather incredulously) "So you really have a talking dog for sale?" The farmer never looks up but just says "Yah, he's out back." So the hiker walks around the house and sees this dog sitting out back. He walks up to the dog and says "So, I hear that you talk."
The dog says "Oh yeah, I can talk."
The hiker is blown away, he cannot believe that a dog can talk that. So he says "This is incredible I have been pretty lonely out on the trail and it would be great to have someone to talk to. Tell me have you ever done any hiking?"
The dog says "Oh yeah, I did the Appalachian Trail a couple years ago. It was pretty cool. Me and my owner ate free most nights because most any restaurant will give free food to the owner of a talking dog. I was also out in Yellowstone a few years back and was able to save my owner when he broke his ankle by going for help. I can read a map and compass too. My favorite place to hike is in city parks though. I mean chicks really dig a talking dog, and a guy your age could probably derive some benefit from that."
The hiker says "This is incredible, you wait here I'm going to go see the farmer out front and buy you." So he runs out front and says to the farmer "How much for the dog?" and the farmer says "10 bucks take him away." the hiker says "You've gotta be kidding! Ten bucks for a dog like that?" The farmer says "The dogs a liar, he never did any of that stuff."
Two Irishmen decide to go on a mountain climbing holiday. They get all the gear together and start the climb. About half way up Sean says to Paddy
"Geez Paddy,hold on,let's stop for a bit,I'm done in,and I've got a thirst ya could photograph"
"Alright then" says Sean,"let's knock off for the day,and go into town for a pint...we'll climb the other half tomorrow!"
Ahhhhh the irish, Magical People indeed !Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Seamus and Paddy are playin' golf on the coast of Galway, just admirin' the view. Paddy states that he wants to be buried out here on the golf course, right by the coast. "That would be perfect", he says, "except for me Jamieson's whiskey". "Seamus", says Paddy, "when I die, will you pour a bottle of Jamieson's over my grave?".
Seamus says, "Sure thing, Paddy, but do you mind if I run it through me kidneys first?".
A man pays $15,000 to climb Mt. Everest and finally makes it to base camp 1. There, the lead Sherpa explains that the story of Big Foot is real. That if he should appear in their camp at night then the man should run as hard as he can but he should not touch the Big Foot.
As luck would have it, that very night the man awoke to a strange rustling sound and looked up to find Big Foot standing in the door of his tent. He was so frightened that he jumped up and and ran out the door pushing the Big Foot out of the way in the process. Off down the mountain he ran finally realizing he had touched the Big Foot. He looked back over his shoulder and sure enough the Big Foot was chasing him.
Down the mountain they ran, across an ice cold stream they ran, down a mountain trail to a lake where the man dove in with Big Foot right behind him. Across the lake he swam to a village on the far side where he stole a bicycle and began peddling down a dirt path. He looked back and Big Foot was right behind him. His bike struck a root in the path and flipped the man onto the ground on his back. Tears were streaming down his face because of the terror as Big Foot crept closer and closer. The giant man ape slowly reached out and touched him with a finger.
"Tag, your it!"
Saw that coming from the start......had to read it......don't know why.....don't know why.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
oh my god rick that was funny
Why Fishing is Better Than Sex
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
HA!Quote:
Originally Posted by mbarnatl
Very Nice One :D
oh man i dont know any joks on hand to name any. that really sucks!!!!
A Scoutmaster is teaching his Scouts about wilderness survival. “What are the three most important things to bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?” he asks.
The Scouts mention many important things, such as water and matches. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raises his hand.
“Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?” asks the Scoutmaster.
“A compass, food and a deck of cards.”
“Why’s that, Timmy?” the Scoutmaster inquires.
“The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to sustain you during the rescue.”
“And what about the deck of cards?” asks the Scoutmaster.
“Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, ‘Put that red nine on that black 10!’”
Adult Guidence Is Advised
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An old man aged 90 gets married to a young girl aged 20 and goes to his doctor for viagra. The doctor says ''sorry but giving a man aged 90 viagra can be dangerous''. The old man pleads and begs for viagra, after a while the doctor gives in and states though it can only be taken under strict guide lines and only for five days. The doctor says take ''half a dose ,skip a day, half a dose skip a day until the fifth day''. The old man does this for the five days, when his wife rings the doctor and says ''he's dead''. The doctor said ''I knew if I gave him viagra it would kill him'', his wife said ,''no it wasn't the viagra that killed him ,it was all that dammed skipping'.
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A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"
How to install an affordable home security system...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 Work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door:
"Hey Bubba - Big Mike and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit bulls. Better wait outside.
They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad.
I locked all four of them in the house."
My buddy calls the other day and says "hey man, it must be true what they say about after awhile people and their dogs start to look alike."
"Why's that?" I ask.
"This morning, my neighbor called me and yelled at about my dog s***tin' on his lawn."
You'll have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello but if their "Who's On First" routine was done today it might go something like this....
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer And I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer
ABBOTT:Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
Two men were wandering around in the woods
and began to get thirsty. They finally found
a well and wanted to get some water but
wanted to see how far down the water was and
decided to throw a rock. The couldnt find any
small rocks but found a boulder that they
decided to throw it in. Right after they
threw it in they saw a goat run and jump into
the well. After seeing the goat jump in they
decided not to drink water from that well and
went to find another. Before leaving the well
a farmer came by and asked them if they had
a goat. They said "Yeah your stupid goat
jumped into this well." The farmer replies
"Thats funny because my goat was tied to a
boulder!?"
All these jokes from this page so far are hilarious. Unfortunately, right now I don't have any to contribute :(
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a wh**ehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
I've actually heard the punchline like this, "I'm actually the campaign manager for (insert your favorite like to hate politician - George Bush, Hilary Clinton, etc.) but how can you explain that to a kid?".
More Chuck Norris Jokes
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird