Jimmy Buffett in the 21st Century...
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Jimmy Buffett in the 21st Century...
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One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with
some guy and stay with him all night for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee
and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'
:sneaky2::sneaky2::sneaky2: , :blushing:
Subject: When you marry a Jersey Girl
Three friends married women from different parts of the country….
The first one married a woman from California. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second one married a woman from Utah. He told her that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he did not see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third guy married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out f his left eye, his arm was healed enough that he could fix a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has difficulty when he pees.
The recession is hitting everyone. Just last week, a Washington lobby organization had to lay off seven congressmen.
TWENTY DOLLARSOn their wedding night, the young brideApproached her new husband and askedFor $20..00 for their first lovemakingEncounter. In his highly aroused state,Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they madeLove, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals thatShe needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she wasSurprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.During the next few minutes, he explained thatHis employer was going through a process of corporateDownsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
:laugh::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by nell67
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet, New
York scientist found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug
to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:
California archaeologist, finding of 200 year old copper wire, has
concluded that his ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier than the New
Yorkers.
One week later, a local newspaper in Myrtle Beach stated
that after digging as deep as 30 feet in his Horry County backyard,
Bubba, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Bubba therefore concluded that 300 years ago, South Carolina
had already gone wireless.
Just makes you proud to be a
Southerner, don't it.
LOL LOL GOOD ONE !!! :smash:
As I'm sure all of you know, Gary Coleman recently passed away. He was laid to rest in a specially designed, stainless steel coffin with his name engraved on the side.
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http://cache.gawker.com/assets/image...ted-cooler.jpg
I know, I know. That's pretty bad. But you have to admit it's pretty funny, too.
Oh Rick,, you are gonna go straight to hell for that one ! :innocent:
Though this may not be a joke per say, it made me laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GTfq2m-SnY
LOL LOL,, made me laugh too !Quote:
Originally Posted by woodsman86
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
:innocent:
Confucius say ?Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
....or maybe Rick.:innocent: LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by Justin Case
Although this is not a joke, I decided to put it here rather than start a new thread.
As a "nod" to the agreed upon forum rules, where ever you see ****** please insert the word or phrase of your choice :)
YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
I Am the *******’S Worst Nightmare.
I am an American.
I am a ******* and believe in God.
I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some ****** governmental functionary be it ******* or ******!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
Get over it !
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you!
I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AMERICA .
We like it the way it is !
If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.
I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.
Get a Job and do your part!
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
Amen from another Bad American.
(I apologise to all the ladies in advance for this one!)
Why do women suck at skiing?
Because theres no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom!
Amen Pal!! Nothing I could add to that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
Please let me add one. I don't want to push any button for English. There shouldn't be a choice. It should only be in English. Period. End of discussion.
I have to agree with you. Although my household (and me by default) is multi lingual (English, Spanish, Thai and Laotian), everyone speaks english. Even in Puerto Rico which is a Spanish speaking Common Wealth, all official business is conducted in English.
Aww, c'mon Pal...you live in New jersey, nobody there speaks English! :innocent: :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
Alright Sarge, I confess, I speak Joiseian or some such. If I go to the northern part of the state, I take a translator
Now that's funny, I don't care where Pal's from! :innocent: :sneaky2:
WOMEN'S BUTT SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their butts;
the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their butt is too fat.............
10% of women think their butt is too skinny.......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
:innocent: :sneaky2:
this is a sign my brother in law has in his garage.
sorry its sideways, i canty get it to turn without making it take up the entire screen.
Does your brother know Sourdough?
Now, that's funny! LOL:tongue_smilie:Quote:
Originally Posted by Winnie
first Book Of Democrat
Obama Is A Shepherd,
I Shall Not Want.
He Leadeth Me Beside Still Factories.
He Restoreth My Faith In The Republican Party.
He Guideth Me In The Path Of Unemployment..
Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Bread Line,
I Shall Not Go Hungry.
Obama Has Anointed My Income With Taxes,
My Expenses Runneth Over My Income,
Surely, Poverty And Hard Living Will Follow Me
All The Days Of My Life.
And I Will Live Forever
In A Rented Home.
But I Am Glad I Am An American,
I Am Glad That I Am Free.
But I Wish I Was A Dog
And Obama Was A Tree.
Gosh,
I'm rich!
Silver
in the Hair
Gold
in the Teeth
Stones
in the Kidneys
Sugar
in the Blood.
Lead
in the ***
Iron
in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
Eavesdropping... :innocent:
http://media.mtvnservices.com/player...ive.com&geo=US
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for
over a year and so we
decided to get married.
There was only one
little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
The Pastor's A**
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race
and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again
and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
A** OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to
enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S A**.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun
in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted the following headline
the next day:
NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS A** FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES
HER A** IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's a**
and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!
Have a nice day!
These are just for humor, not political discussion.
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and
think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to
society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
2dumb, where's the joke?
FW: poor choice of words for a headline:
Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703
:innocent: :sneaky2::noway::confused1:
No big deal. It was only the Prefontaine Classic Diamond League meeting. Wait until the Olympics. You'll see. Gay may blow a few, but he won't choke on the big one. :innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
I was testing the children
in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale , and gave all my money , to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?'
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'
Ha ha ha,, Good one !