Joke of the day.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I
assumed you had stolen the car.''

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question,
Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:... See More
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults, when I disobeyed my parents,
told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and the cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, the world would be a better place.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nell67

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question,
Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:... See More
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults, when I disobeyed my parents,
told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and the cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, the world would be a better place.

---

There's a whole lot of truth in those words.

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60
and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land". Nearly 40 years ago, Lyndon B. Johnson said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land". Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

Dear Friends,
My neighbor was recently in the hospital for a small surgical procedure, a butt lift. She didn't have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. I think something went wrong. I don't recommend having this done.

That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Winnie

That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!

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It's thong boys cousin.

Ahhh, it all makes sense now.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Winnie

That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!

---

Sorry Winnie!:blushing::innocent:

I just threw up a little.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rick

I just threw up a little.

---

Now you know how us ladies feel when that other picture gets posted.

Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rick

Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.

---

Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nell67

Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....

---

You can PM Crashdive for Justin's address. Just sayin'. :innocent:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ken

You can PM Crashdive for Justin's address. Just sayin'. :innocent:

---

LOL:) Thanks Ken!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rick

Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.

---

Sure , Throw Poor Justin under the bus :sneaky2:

It looked more like a dive to me.

Now This is a Hell of a way to wake up,, Y'all are lucky I haven't had any coffee
yet ! :blushing:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Justin Case

Sure , Throw Poor Justin under the bus :sneaky2:

---

Sarge wants to be the busdriver. :innocent:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nell67

Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....

---

I'm just glad nobody is starting up the Senior Members Eloquently Living Like Yesteryear Fairly Agile Response Team.:innocent:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by crashdive123

I'm just glad nobody is starting up the Senior Members Eloquently Living Like Yesteryear Fairly Agile Response Team.:innocent:

---

How about if they were "elegant" instead of "eloquent?" :innocent:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ken

How about if they were "elegant" instead of "eloquent?" :innocent:

---

hehehehehehehe - hope she is doing well.

he he he he

http://www.all4humor.com/images/files/Nice%20Thong.jpg

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Justin Case

he he he he

http://www.all4humor.com/images/files/Nice%20Thong.jpg

---

Did you both have a good time on your date last night, Justin? :sneaky2:

It was Late and i could see that she was Hor,,,,,, um,, Nevermind :whistling:

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

what do dogs do to the cars they catch ? :innocent:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mKEURk4AOg

Lol,, Yikes !

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by nell67

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mKEURk4AOg

---

The cop seems to be enjoying it as much as the dog.

"Vegetarian" - "veg-eh-tare-ian" : Indian word means BAD HUNTER !!!

Politicians have no moral fiber - they're all acrylic.

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..

You just summed up my life in four lines. And I'm content. Go figure.

Joe, an avid outdoors-man & hunter, was in his favorite bar, knocking back a cold brew, when in walks a very good hunting buddy he hasn't seen for awhile.

"Bill!" he exclaims, "Where ya been ole' pal? I haven't seen you in a coon's age!"

"Well," Bill says, " I was out deer hunting last year when a large Black Bear came out of the bush, seemingly from no where, knocked my gun out of my hands, and started attacking me. I grabbed my hunting knife and managed to fight it off. Ut ran away & I found myself in the hospital for awhile & I've been healing ever since."

"Wow!" Joe says, "Have a scar?"

"No thanks," Bill replies, "I don't smoke."

Chicken...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was,and I said,''FRIED CHICKEN.''She said I wasn't funny,but she couldn't have been right,every-one else in the class laughed.My parents told me to always be honest,and I am.Fried chicken is my favorite animal.I told my dad what happened,and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.He said they love animals very much.I do,too.Especially chicken,pork and beef.Anyway,my teacher sent me to the principal's office.I told him what happened,and he laughed too.Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.I told her it was chicken.She asked me why,just like she had asked the other children.So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.She sent me back to the principal's office again.He laughed,and told me not to do it again.I don't understand.My parents taught me to be honest,but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.Today,my teacher asked us to tell her what Famous person we admire most.I told her,''Colonel Sanders''.
Guess where I am now....

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..


An elderly gentleman... .
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

I owe my mother




1.. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

TWO WOLVES

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is God - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."