:cool: And don't forget the ducks!
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:cool: And don't forget the ducks!
Several customers were sitting in a barbershop when a kid crosses the street walking toward the shop.
"Hey fellas," said the barber with a smirk. "Here comes the world's dumbest kid. You just watch this."
The barber takes out a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other. The kid walks into the shop, looks at the barber, takes the two quarters and leaves.
"Whad I tell ya?" asked the barber with a laugh.
About an hour later one of the customers passes the boy, who is standing outside a candy shop.
"Say, son, I was at the barbershop this morning when you came in. Why did you take the two quarters and not the dollar?"
The kid turned to the man, "'Cause the minute I take that dollar, the game's over."
Never judge a book by its cover. That's what my momma always said.
I think I've posted this before, but what the heck.....It's a classic. :innocent: LOL
Quote:
The Pope
and Nancy Pelosi are on the same
stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge
crowd.
The
Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave
of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will
not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll
forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi
replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show
me!"
So the Pope backhanded the Wench.
Kind of
brings tears to your eyes, don't it.
I'm not catholic, but bless the Pope anyway! :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
>>25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me.."
6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7.My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10.My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19.My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
A Blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The Blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the Blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the Blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the Blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
:clap::clap::clap: ha ha ,, good One !!Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
I think these folks have a real good reason for a job action.
http://www.9wsyr.com/entertainment/w...VIZKGJb6Q.cspx
Workers strike over beer limits
Last Update: 4/12 9:04 am
Beer (Cate Gillon, Getty Images/file)
Workers at the Carlsberg beer warehouse in Denmark have been on strike after bosses reduced the amount of time staff can drink beer during working hours.
The staff was allowed to drink any time they wanted, but new regulations have restricted consuming free beer to lunchtime only.
A representative for the striking employees claims they were not consulted about the change, and he cites their accident-free record to prove his point that the all-day drinking allowance wasn't a problem.
When asked if they thought this was worth striking over, one of the worker's replied: "Ya durn right! Who are wheeze guys...deese guys...uh, who dey...hmmm...yep, we do!" :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?
Fella is out hiking and he come on to a guy who is hugging a tree. He asks if the guy is ok and the guy says yeah. He says if you hug the tree you can hear nature. He tells the guy to try it.
As soon as the guy hugs the tree the other guy handcuffs him to the tree and steals his clothes and wallet.
Awhile later a guy comes walking down the trail and sees the first guy handcuffed. He asks why and the guy tells him. A second later the guy hears a zipper and the guy whispers in his ear, "this just isn't your day!"
If that is too risque delete it.
Dear Lord,this year,you took my favorite actor,Patrick Swayzie. You took my favorite actress,Farrah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer,Michael Jackson.I just wanted you to know,my favorite president is Barack Obama.
Amen.
Atlanta Airport
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R"
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R
Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.
Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air: ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC!"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Good one !!!! :clap:
YOU WILL GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE!
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex.
The guy says to the girl, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."
The girl replies, "Hell, if I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they
pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work.
Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!
Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country!!!!!!!!
Agree 100%!!!
+ 1, Agreed,,, That and no new Babies allowed ,,
BTW, why is this in Jokes ?
Just because :) Did not want to start a new threadQuote:
Originally Posted by Justin Case
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin
writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
finishes, her charge is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call." :sneaky2:
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2 She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Strange. When I read this, for some reason, I thought of Pal.:innocent:
Quote:
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
LOL,, :) good one
Let Me See If I Got This Right!!!
If You Cross The North Korean Border Illegally
You Get 12 Years Hard Labor.
If You Cross The Iranian Border Illegally
You Are Detained Indefinitely.
If You Cross The Afghan Border Illegally
You Get Shot.
If You Cross The Saudi Arabian Border Illegally
You Will Be Jailed.
If You Cross The Chinese Border Illegally
You May Never Be Heard From Again.
If You Cross The Venezuelan Border Illegally
You Will Be Branded A Spy And Your Fate Will Be Sealed.
If You Cross The Cuban Border Illegally
You Will Be Thrown Into Political Prison To Rot.
If You Cross The U.s. Border Illegally You Get
1 - A Job,
2 - A Drivers License,
3 - Social Security Card,
4 - Welfare,
5 - Food Stamps,
6 - Credit Cards,
7 - Subsidized Rent Or A Loan To Buy A House,
8 - Free Education,
9 - Free Health Care,
10 - A Lobbyist In Washington
11 - Billions Of Dollars Worth Of Public Documents Printed In Your Language
12 - And The Right To Carry Your Country's Flag While You Protest That You Don't Get Enough Respect
I Just Wanted To Make Sure I Had A Firm Grasp On The Situation...
Great post! Rep going your way, woodsman! :clap:
Oh Yea? I lock myself in the closet and tell her I won't come out :drool:Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
May be a re post, but still a goody
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thanks...it is an unfortunate funny realityQuote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Several years ago I had changed cell phone numbers at work and hadn't updated my voice message after a few days. So it was still the default pass code. Some moron from the DC area called into my voice message and left a string of vulgarities as my voice message. Not cool for a work number. I did, however, have caller ID. And working for the phone company, it didn't take much to find out a whole lot of information on the fool. I did have a lot of fun at his expense.
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with a school buddy that has a headache also.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 7:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
LIFE EXPLAINED!
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. :sneaky2:
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says
to the old rooster: "time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't
stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head
start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says, Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery overcomes youth and arrogance! :sneaky2:
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
First Class Blond
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a
ticket for the coach section.
She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and morecomfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that
her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem.
The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend and that he can take care of the problem.
He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isnt going to LA."
How amny survivalists does it take to set up a tent? None! somebody else would have already done it while the survivalists decided what the best approach would be. LOL! :)
None! They don't use tents. They would build a wikiup out of young saplings, bark and a quarter sheet of tarp someone discarded. They would heat it with a hobo stove made from a large pork and beans can found along the trail and prepare to going fishing with home made cordage made while they warmed up in the wikiup. Come on man, we're talkin' survivalists!!!!!!