A guy goes into a hardware store and asks the manager for a tool to break up the hard ground. The manager shows him a wall of shovels, hoes, and other tools and says, "Take your pick".
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A guy goes into a hardware store and asks the manager for a tool to break up the hard ground. The manager shows him a wall of shovels, hoes, and other tools and says, "Take your pick".
"Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's the trouble?" "One night I dream that I'm a car's muffler. And then the next night, I dream that I'm part of the wheel." "Why is that such a big deal?" "I wake up exhausted and tired."
A guy runs into a dentist office on night, Doctor Doctor, Ya gotta help Me, I think I'm a Moth ! The Dentist says,, I cant help you, you need a Psychiatrist, Yes I know, but your Light was On !
Two Atoms are walking down the road, One says to the other, " I dont feel very good, I think I lost some electrons" Are you sure? said the other, "Yes, I'm Positive" !
Tom is obsessed with monorails. All he ever talks about is monorails - especially how amazing it is that they travel with the use of just a single rail. He has a one-track mind.
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
A Guy say "Doc, I have a real problem, every night have this crazy dream, First I'm a tepee, then I'm a Wigwam, Back and fourth, back and fourth" The Doctor says,, "Relax, you're just two tents"
John loves wheat - wheat bread, wheat rolls, wheat muffins - he can't get enough of wheat. Only problem: He's allergic to it. Whenever he eats it, he breaks out with a rash. But does that stop him from eating it? No, he's a real gluten for punishment.
A rancher was taking inventory of his livestock. He figured it wouldn't take him too long because he knew for a fact that he had exactly 196 head of cattle. But then he discovered that he actually had 200 head. How'd he find out? He rounded them up.
A Guy goes to the Doctor with a Banana in each ear and a grape in each nostril, The Doc says " I know what the trouble is, You dont eat right !"
A man heard about a discovery of gold in California. He immediately packed up his possessions and moved out west. Six months later, he gave up and returned home. Why? It didn't pan out.
Hmm,, I dont think I know anymore PG13 jokes :innocent:
Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
My last one... The state Treasurer had to balance the budget, so he sliced a little bit off the proposed funding for schools, parks, and other services. It was the most successful fund razor of the year.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned
Here's one for you know who....
Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together!"
Roflmbo !! Lol
A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Ken, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," Ken replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
People in Clackamas County, Oregon have a warped sense of humor.
At a view point just outside Molalla, Oregon, a deer was struck by a vehicle. At the same area, a couch had been dumped there earlier. And thus this story unfolds…
Day two the deer was on the couch.
Day three the end table and lamp showed up.
Day four the TV and TV stand showed up.
On day five a Trooper had to call ODOT because of all the people stopping to take pictures.
The Cardboard caption in front of the couch reads:
"Sorry Hunters. Obama ruined health care. We can't afford to have injured hunters on our conscience, so I'm staying home! Sorry, the Deer."
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jD-T4d9ovd...s400/Erase.jpg
:innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:
Three guys were out fishing when an angel suddenly appeared in the boat with them. The first guy was a bit apprehensive but finally said, "If you're really an angel then you could probably do something about my bad back."
The angel touched his back and he felt immediate relief.
The second guy pointed to his coke bottle glasses and said he had been nearly blind his whole life. The angel took his glasses and tossed them in the lake. As soon as they hit the water everything came into perfect view. His sight was fully restored.
The angel turned to the third guy, "Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!!"
LOL LOL Good one ! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
The General is a quick thinker..
President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .
Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave."
To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."
Ken wishes it was $800 a week. :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Would you rather save the money and be with her?:sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
He should think of it as a "get out of jail" fee.Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
Well....since my little yankee buddy ain't here to take up for himself, let's just say that the suffering and expense, was the price he paid, for the kids, that she gave him.
(Hey...... we gotta make him think it was worth it, right?) :innocent:
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
" FATHER OF THE YEAR "
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle
from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "
He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!
I just read this for the first time. Between you and Sarge, there's gonna' be a lot of changes made to my will. :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
Despicable, Ken. That joke is truly despicable....buddy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Rick need some Chapstick??:winkiss:
No. No thanks. His will, will work just fine. But thanks for asking.
*note to self: Make sure estate planning lawyer spells Rick's last name correctly.*Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
Could be just me, but I didn't get the Ken & Rick sitting in a tree memo.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
It's not YOUR will I want to be in, it's your ex-wife's will since she got all of your stuff.So big deal, Rick & I miss out on a couple of Beagles and a yard full of squirrels! :innocent: :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
What was that? :sneaky2:
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:p...images/fly.jpg
*reaches for the fly-swatter*