How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners
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How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners
Not to brag mind you ,but I can undo 4 hooks faster than kickin' in a door!Quote:
Originally Posted by nell67
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six
Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight
One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
> > >
> > > The following is an actual question given on a
> > > University of Washington chemistry mid term.
> > >
> > > The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the
> > > professor shared it with colleagues, via the
> > > Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
> > > pleasure of enjoying it as well :
> > >
> > >
> > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> > > or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
> > >
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> > > using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and
> > > heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
> > > One student, however, wrote the following:
> > >
> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> > > changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
> > > which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
> > > which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
> > > assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
> > > leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. A s for how
> > > many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
> > > different religions that exist in the world today.
> > >
> > > Most of these religions state that if you are not a
> > > member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
> > > there is more than one of these religions and since
> > > people do not belong to more than one religion, we
> > > can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
> > > and death rates as they are, we can expect the
> > > number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
> > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
> > > Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
> > > the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
> > > same, the volume of Hell has to expand
> > > proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
> > >
> > > This gives two possibilities:
> > >
> > > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
> > > rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
> > > and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> > > breaks loose.
> > >
> > > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
> > > increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
> > > pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
> > >
> > > So which is it?
> > >
> > > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
> > > during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day
> > > in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
> > > account the fact that I slept with her last night,
> > > then number two must be true, and thus I am sure
> > > that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
> > > The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
> > > frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
> > > more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
> > > only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
> > > divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
> > > kept shouting
> > > 'Oh my God.'
> > >
> > > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Beautiful story of bagpiper late for a funeral.
This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral
was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but
this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.
The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"
The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."
Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"
The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
Thought this might tickle your funnybone!
http://by113w.bay113.mail.live.com/a...4C7B0290%7C%7C
HOO-AHH! :sneaky2:
What ??????/
Sarge? You asked me to read your post. You said that I might find the picture funny. But all I see is a little red "X" in a white box....... :sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
"ALL PUNS INTENDED!"
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident..
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in 10 did. :innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:
Union Rules & Hookers----
A dedicated Teamsters
Union worker was attending a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to checkOut the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man
stomped off down the street
In search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued
Until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why
Yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut
do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,
and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then
she gesturedTo a 92-year old woman in the corner,
"but Ethel here has 67 years
Seniority and according to union rules, she's next." :innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS...
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
LOL, cough, choke, read this to DW, and she stuck out her tongue out at me, good this I didn't read her that yesterday......................Quote:
Originally Posted by oly
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
And then there was the story about the guy who got caught on camera speeding. He received the citation in the mail along with the photo of him behind the wheel, along with the notification that he now owed a $100 fine. So this "rocket scientist" sends back a photo of a hundred dollar bill. They send back a photo of a pair of handcuffs. He sent them a check for $100 by return mail! :sneaky2:
Like Rick says: "you can't fix stupid." :sneaky2:
LOL. I think I will read it to my wife now.Quote:
Originally Posted by hunter63
Edit. It looked something like this:sneaky2:
Love Thy Husband
>
> A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
> checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
>
> He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
> combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
> will surely die."
>
> "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
> he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to
> work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
>
> "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't
> discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to
> relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty
> of backrubs."
>
> "Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on
> television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times
> a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months
> to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
>
> On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor
> say?"
>
> "You're going to die," she replied.
I picked up my new Toyota Prius today. Chat later, can't stop.........
Speaking of Toyota - if the brakes don't work and the accelerator sticks......how come they didn't win the Daytona 500?
> As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
>
> 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
> An impressive new book. It's called .........
> 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
>
>
> 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
> And be Mary.
>
>
> 3. The difference between the Pope and
> Your boss, the Pope only expects you
> To kiss his ring.
>
> 4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
> Flash and it is gone.
>
>
> 5. The only time the world beats a path to
> Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
>
> 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
> The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
> That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
>
>
> 7. It used to be only death and taxes
> Now, of course, there's
> shipping and handling, too.
>
>
>
> 8... A husband is someone who, after taking
> the trash out, gives the impression that
> he just cleaned the whole house.
>
>
> 9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
> Vending machines and a large trash can.
>
> 10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
> Mechanic might try to rip me off.
> I was relieved when he told me all
> I needed was turn signal fluid.'
>
>
> 11. Definition of a teenager?
> God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
>
> 12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
> The splinters never point the wrong way.
Think you're having a bad day?
Here's another one....(Note: This is NOT a DISCUSSION of politics, but just a reporting of facts!:innocent:)Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com...s-gras-parade/
heh-heh. :sneaky2:
Ole's Mule
>
>>
>> Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
>> company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?'
>> asked the lawyer.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded
>> my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer
>> the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
>> fine'?
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
>> driving down da road... .
>>
>>
>>
>> The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to
>> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
>> the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
>> weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
>> is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
>>
>>
>>
>> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and
>> said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
>> favorite mule, Bessie'.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had
>> yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving
>> her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop
>> sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one
>> ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and
>> didn't vant to move. However, I could hear
>>
>> Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by
>> her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he
>> came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
>> vent over to her'...
>>
>>
>>
>> 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his
>> gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
>>
>>
>>
>> Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked
>> at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
>>
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"
( I hope I did not break any rules ?)
Lemon Pickers Wanted !!
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.
:innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies.
"You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia .. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by
I can't remember if this has been posted, or not.
Oh, well.....here it is, anyway.
Quote:
An old farmer from back in the woods orders himself a mail order bride. After going to town to pick her up and stand in front of the judge for the ceremony, he tells her that his horse has come up lame on the way to town so he needs to go to the livery to buy a new one.
After hitching the new horse to the wagon they are on thier way to the farm when the horse just stops. No amount of coaxing will get the horse going, so the ole farmer takes out a bullwhip and says "Thats one horse" as the whip cracks on the horses haunches.
A few miles down the road the horse stops again. Again the horse can't be made to move until the whip comes out. "Thats two horse" yells the farmer as the whip cracks.
Another mile down the road and the horse stops again. Nothing will make the horse take another step. The farmer climbs down off the wagon and proceeds to unhitch the horse. He then retrieves his rifle from the wagon and takes aim. "That's three horse" he says right before pulling the trigger. He turns to his new bride and tells her "The farm house is only another four miles, we'll just have to walk from here, I'll come back with another horse for the wagon, later."
His bride goes ballistic, berating him. He eventually gets her hushed up then looks at her and says "Thats one woman."
The Prospector's Dance
Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas
leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only
saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the
saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at
the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted
to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at
the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into
the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks
carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence
was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's
hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's a$$?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but...
I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
Heh-heh! :sneaky2:
Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush.
Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush. We've just heard that
the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
Haiti after him.The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's
Fault."
:sneaky2: :innocent: :clap: :clap: :clap:
**** was certainly a disaster ,Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
IF YOU EVER FEEL A LITTLE BIT STUPID, JUST DIG THIS UP AND READ IT AGAIN; YOU'LL BEGIN TO THINK YOU'RE A GENIUS.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix " -- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to?
your brilliant friends.
I just did !!
The Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer Care Department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance. May I help you?”
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble?”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared”
Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?”
Caller: ”What's a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What's a monitor?”
Operator: “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on”'
Caller: “I don't know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? “
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Caller: “I can't reach it.”
Operator: “OK. Well, can you see if it is plugged in firmly?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Caller: “Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.”
Operator: “Dark?”
Caller: “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can't.”
Operator: “No? Why not?”
Caller: “Because there's a power failure.”
Operator: “A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store that you bought it from.”
Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I'm afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Operator: “Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!”
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
The Hillbilly Spelling Test
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs?
L I B! M R ducks
M R snakes
M R not
O S A R
C M B D eyes?
L I B! M R snakes
M R mice
M R not
O S A R
C M E D B D feet?
L I B! M R mice
M R farmers
M R not
O S A R
C M M T pockets
L I B! M R farmers
M R puppies
M R not
O S A R
C M P N
L I B! M R puppies
Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test
Them are ducks
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them wings?
Well I'll be! Them are ducks
Them are snakes
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them beady eyes?
Well I'll be! Them are snakes
Them are mice
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them itty bitty feet?
Well I'll be! Them are mice
Them are farmers
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them empty pockets?
Well I'll be! Them are farmers
Them are puppies
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them peeing?
Well I'll be! Them are puppies