Joke of the day.

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

“Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,” the old man replies. “Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M’s.”

Crash that was.................funny!!!!!!!

This is NOT open to discussion so we won't violate the forum rules here, but it was too funny NOT to post! Besides, all politicians are fair game when it comes to ridicule!:innocent:


The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.



This enraged the President then demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order.. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

I love it! :clap::sneaky2:

Not gonna discuss it,but THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!

A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin'
night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"

The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."
:innocent:

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . ..Now give me back my dog.

Now that was funny, I don't care who you are!:clap:

So this Congressman, who's party affiliation will remain unknown so we won't have all the Dem's mad at us,:innocent: recently made a diplomatic trip to a small village in Africa at the bequest of his hero, idol, & favorite Prez: you-know-who. All the villagers were gathered together and the Congressman was asked to make a speech. He was given the services of a local interpeter who would translate everything the politician said to the villagers who spoke very little English.

"I am here today, because America cares about each & every person on this globe, as well as those in this village!" He started. The interpeter translated & the villagers all shouted out in one voice: "Huzza Ganada!"

Encouraged by their enthusiasm, the Congressman continued. "Yes, the USA is a great country, totally united and in agreement on the idea of treating everybody in a fair, humane manner!" Once again the crowd roared: "Huzza Ganada", this time waving their arms as well.

Totally enjoying the response the Congressman said: "In America, the best, smartest, & most loved American becomes the leader of his people, the nation, & gains much respect from the other nations in the world!"

"Huzza Ganada!" The crowd shouted. So emotionally overwelmed by the villagers' response the Congressman wiped tears from his eyes as he turned to his interpeter and said: "It is my understanding that your people raise the best cattle in the region. I, too, raise cattle back in America & would like to see your herd."

"Yes sir," his helper replied, we have many bulls that we supply to Spain & Mexico for their bullfights. They are over in that pasture over there, but we must be careful when we go in there not to step in all of the Huzza Ganada!" :innocent:

Old Dogs
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...:cool2:

Blind Man In A Biker Bar

A blind man wanders into an all - girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair – given that you are blind -- that you should know
Five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'
:clap:

So let's hear some "Blonde Guy" jokes!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said , 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch , I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed , 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off , too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said , ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time , I'm jumping too.'

The next day , the Irishman opened his lunch box , saw corned beef and cabbage , and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch , saw a burrito , and jumped , too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch , saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral , the Irishman's wife was weeping... She said , 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage , I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said , 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said ,

'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch...'
====================================

* Why did the blond man miss his flight?
He was just getting to the airport, so he went to Arrivals.

* Why did the blond man miss his second flight?
He was sure Gate C-3 was after gate B-2 which should have been after A-1.

* Why did the blond man get arrested by Airport Security?
The sign said 'Declare All Valuables' so he showed the officer the Family Jewels.

* Why were there no great blond male gunfighters in the old west?
They went broke having to buy a new gun after every six shots


* How do you confuse a blond man?
Tell him to alphabetically sort Social Security Numbers.

*Why did the blond man drown?
The sign said 'NO SWIMMING'.

* Why did the blond man move?
He heard on the news that a home invasion crime may happen where you live.
==========

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said that she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonde men laying sod across the street.

Enjoy! :cool2:

there was a survivalist lost in the woods.
he encountered a hermit.
the survivalist said; im starving have you any meat?
the hermit said: no but i have an apple that tastes like beef.
so the survivalist excepted it and took a bite.
the survivalist spat out the apple and said:man that tastes like crap!
the hermit said: you have to turn it around!

Three bodies at the mortuary ...


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old
Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi,
Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

For a second there I thought you were going to talk about plastic surgury and botox.

......One day a man is driving down the freeway with his 5 yr. old son, then out of nowhere a convertible sports car came whizzing past.
There was a very hot young blonde standing up waving to everyone while totally nude!
The father cringed and looked over at his little boy and then asked him, "By chance did you notice anything about the lady in that car?".
He said, "I sure did daddy, she did'nt have a seatbelt on!".
:lmao:
Never underestimate the innocence of a child.

One Nation, 'Under God.'

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
Classroom. The teacher was going to explain
Evolution to the children. The teacher asked
A little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
Outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
Outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
If you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
Later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
Doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
Boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
The boy: Tommy, do you see the tree
Outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
Outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
Teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
Were taught today in school, she possibly
May not even have one!

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon. "Hey Willie," the farmer said., "Forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat." "That's mighty nice of you, but Pa wouldn't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay, " the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:


'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'


Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
Across in about 2 hours, having Almost drowned twice.





After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength
And the tools to cross the river'





Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
Was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.





Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:



'God, please give me the strength,
The tools and the intelligence to cross the river'





Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.





She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked Across
the bridge.



'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers..
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him..
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Very nice.