Joke of the day.

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a sh**."

2. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.


3. I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

Late on cold winter night a state trooper finds a car slammed into a snow bank with it's engine still running. The trooper approaches the vehicle and see's and older gentleman asleep at the wheel with numerous empty or nearly emty alcohol containers. The Officer knock on the drivers window thus waking the driver.
The driver take one look out his window, sees the trooper, realizes he's in trouble, and hits the gas! Not realizing he is stuck in a snow bank.
The tropper, not missing a beat, begins running in place along side the car. As the spedometer climbs the driver looks at the trooper, checks his speed, looks at the trooper. He continues this until the speedometer registers 60mph, at which time the trooper, still running in place, again knocks on the window. This time he mouths to the driver "Pull over!"
The driver nods, turns his wheel, brakes, and turns off the car.

The drivers reactions after sobering up are still unkown.

While out on safari a make wakes in the morning only to find himself surrounded by cannibals. Knowing he will die he simply states "God, I'm screwed"
To his amazement God replies "No. You are not screwed. Do you see that large rock there? Pick it up."
The man locates the rock nearby and does as God said. After he has the rock God says "Now the man holding the big spear is their chief. Use that rock and kill him"
Again the man does as God directs him. When he has killed the chief God speaks to the man once more he said...

"There. Now you're screwed!"

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price.
The sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good God! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

The funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin; donations in lieu of flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH).

Couldn't prove it by me. I think I know some of the people who wrote these answers...
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

The Female Genie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women
in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.

Is that true?

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'



She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'



The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'



She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Sitting together on a train.
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

LOL!!!! Thanks Sarge!

p.s. Love your sig quote!

1) Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.

2) A clown walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this a joke?"

3) I went fishing with Salvidor Dali. He used a dotted line and caught every other fish.

A very rich man lost his dog. He was heart broken. So he had signs drawn up and posted them all over town. The signs read:

Lost dog.
Easily recognizable. Worlds shaggiest dog.
$10,000 reward.

A rather poor young man read one of the signs and was determined to collect the reward money. He searched high and low, ever street and alleyway. He searched the local pound. He found a lot of shaggy dogs but none that would even be close to the world's shaggiest.

So he went to the next town, then the next, and the next. Finally, in the fourth town he found what had to be the shaggiest dog in the world. The dog could not see because of all the hair. When he barked he could not hear it because of all the hair. When he tried to walk he would fall down because of all the hair. Most folks couldn't tell if he was coming or going because of all the hair.

"This dog just has to be the one," thought the young man. He'd never seen a dog that shaggy in all his life. He scooped the dog up because it could not walk and ran all the way back to the rich man's town.

Exhausted and out of breath we finally trudged up the few steps to the man's front door. He rang the door bell and waited. Finally the man opened the door and looked the young man and the dog over.

"Not that shaggy." And he closed the door.

" DOCTORS & UNEMPLOYED " !!!

An Israeli doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says,
"That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says.
"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one
person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

An ILLINOIS doctor, says.
"You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with
no brains out of ILLINOIS ,
put him in the White House
and within SIX MONTHS,
half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

Next of kin
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied:


"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin." :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

Nicely done Sarge.

When Reagan was President, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is President, we have no Hope and no Cash...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sharon.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare
hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

You Might Be a Yankee if...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.

You have no problem pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don't even know what a Moon Pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You see nothing wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

Smart Lawyers!


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. http://www.timebomb2000.com/vb/image...es/whistle.gif http://www.timebomb2000.com/forums/tongue.gif

LMAO...stop...stop ....It hurts...ROFLMAO!!!!!...... Wheeooo!...I'll be o.k.!

But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago

HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER
Police suspect foul play

I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by trax

But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago

HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER
Police suspect foul play

I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!

---

Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also! :innocent: Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball." :sneaky2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sarge47

Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also! :innocent: Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball." :sneaky2:

---

I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there.:dead:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by trax

I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there.:dead:

---

Back in the early 70's, I spent some time in Naugatuck, Connecticut. The major local employers were Uniroyal, which manufactured Keds sneakers and Naugahyde, and Peter-Paul (think Almond Joy and Mounds).

Well, the Naugatuck River, which ran right through the center of town, had to be the most polluted body of water in the world. It was heavily polluted with sulfuric acid and a host of other chemicals. I remember a couple of times when I watched flames burning on the surface of the water. :sneaky2:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ken

I watched flames burning on the surface of the water.

---

We'd all like to have a nickel for every time we've seen that.

http://www.funnypromos.com/wp-conten.../12/xdress.jpg

1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!

3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you've got on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"

Due to the current financial situation caused by theslowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducingunemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program(Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of**** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you donot receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the**** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current marketconditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian Army General.

http://by113w.bay113.mail.live.com/m...6a507ef0d46b18

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

-------------------------------

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters...

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

Ya gotta love those Aussies! it's where we got the term, "Numpty," here on WSF! :sneaky2:

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see
the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down
and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission
here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick
it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them..
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head
first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in
the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old
farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers
didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the
bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst
into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to
a transmission!"

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift
and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach water is the toilet?

ARGGGGHHH!!! :drool:

Words of Wisdom from Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'




Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

This one kinda reminded me of some of the things I pulled, back when I drove trucks, for a living. LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlvqT...eature=related

Love story:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

Love story II
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “will you marry me?! She said “no!” And the girl lived happily ever after, keeping her sleek figure, driving the car of her choice, having great holidays without some dumb A** constantly drinking beer, farting whenever he wanted and expecting her to clear-up after him.
The end.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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I am scrambling to see where I put my kevlar helmet, the fall out from that one will splash all the way up here in NJ !!!!!!!!:smash::smash::smash::smash: