Joke of the day.

A teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" ,
however, is masculine -- "le crayon."

French student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine
or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. the native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine (le computer"), because:

1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4.as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won :innocent::sneaky2::online2long:

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a
few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided
we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our
boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference. :innocent::sneaky2::online2long:

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC , when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff
of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.




The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A
reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'



The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.


The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.


The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.


Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.



"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts…



To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said, "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.



No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.


I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.”
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.


I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."



"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."



Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

A tree toad loved a she-toed
who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree toad,
but a three-toed toad was she.

The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
the three-toed she-toed's heart,

For the two-toed tree toad loved the
ground the three-toed tree toad trod.

The two-toed tree toad tried in
vain to sate her every whim.

From her tree toad bower
with her three-toed power,
the she-toed vetoed him.

A little boy was walking to school one day when a passing car drove through a puddle and splashed mud and water all over him.

The little boy thought to himself "I should run home and change into clean, dry clothes, so that the kids won't all laugh at me at school. But, if I do, I'll be late."

Then he thought, "But if I go to school all muddy and wet like this, the other kids will laugh, and I'll probably get sent home anyway."

The little boy was very perplexed and couldn't decide what to do. So, while he was standing there thinking about it, I drove by again and splashed him a second time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rick

A tree toad loved a she-toed
who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree toad,
but a three-toed toad was she.

The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
the three-toed she-toed's heart,

For the two-toed tree toad loved the
ground the three-toed tree toad trod.

The two-toed tree toad tried in
vain to sate her every whim.

From her tree toad bower
with her three-toed power,
the she-toed vetoed him.

---

Guess he should have "toed the line" huh? :innocent::sneaky2::cool2:

Yep. She nailed him.

He's just lucky he didn't croak.

Mujibar was trying to get a gob in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar sad, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow, this is Mugibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

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http://spktruth2power.files.wordpres...ch-support.jpg

Oh, man. That is so close to the truth it's scary. I am soooooo tired of calling a support number and have "Pete" answer the phone. Yesterday was a tad refreshing. I spoke with Anjur Baby. At least it was original.

A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a H*mo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a B***h!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican

The Chief's Parrot

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.

First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!

During a recent password audit at a local company, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at
least 8 characters long.

Here's your answer.


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby…

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his a$$ again!'

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose
head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't
read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also
hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury
chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is
obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.

What possibly could go wrong?

A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal democrats and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" "That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rick

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose
head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't
read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also
hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury
chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is
obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.

What possibly could go wrong?

---

I thought this thread was for jokes?:innocent:

My wife asked me to start decorating the house for christmas.I dont think she is too happy with me.

Man...that is funny!

No offense to our Southern brothers and sisters:

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pal334

No offense to our Southern brothers and sisters:

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

---

No self respecting southerner, needs anyone to hold their beer, while they drive. :innocent:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit

No self respecting southerner, needs anyone to hold their beer, while they drive. :innocent:

---

My humble apologies,

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pal334

My humble apologies,

---

No need.........not all southerners are self respecting. LOL:blushing:

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

HaHaHa....two good ones! How about this one?

Quote:

---

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

---

This should pretty much offend just about everyone

Security Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Poms have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the Poms issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pal334

This should pretty much offend just about everyone
Security Alerts.

---

Priceless...and true!

What do Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?






They both have been clubbed by a Norweigian.

> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
> Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in
> the private function room at the Grill House.
>
>
> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
> playing traditional carols...
> feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
> our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
>
> A Christmas
> tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
> employees can be done at that time; however, no
> gift should be over $10.00 to
> make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
> pockets.
> This gathering is only for employees!
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
>
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your
> family,
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> ROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: October 2, 2008
> RE: Gala Holiday Party
>
>
> In no way was
> yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
> important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
> though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now
> on, we’re calling it our "Holiday
> Party." The same policy applies to any other
> employees who are not Christians and to those still
> celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
> Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
>
> We will have other types of
> music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to
> you and your family,
> Patty
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty
> Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 3, 2008
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't
> sign your name..
> I'm
> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
> table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't
> be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
> this? Somebody?
>
>
>
> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange,
> no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that
> $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00
> is a little chintzy.
>
> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS
> EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> Patty
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> FROM: Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
> To: All Employees
> DATE: October 4, 2008
> RE: Generic Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we
> are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
> drinking during daylight hours.
>
> There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
> accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
> the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
> end of the party or else package everything for you to take
> it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
> of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet,
> and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> restrooms.
>
>
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
> Gay men, each group will
> have their own table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower
> arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person
> asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
> no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
> about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>
> We
> will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food
> will be available for those on a diet.
>
> I am sorry to report that we cannot
> control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill
> House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
> bite first.
>
> There
> will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
> diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no
> sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All F*%^ing Employees
>
> DATE: October 5, 2008
>
> RE: The F*%^ing Holiday
> Party
>
> I've
> had it with you vegetarian pr**ks!!! We're going
> to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
> not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
> the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
> and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic
> tomatoes.
> But you know, tomatoes
> have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
> them. I've heard them scream. I'm
> hearing them scream right NOW!
>
> The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos
> can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
>
>
> Drive drunk and
> die,
>
> The B*tch from
> H*ll!!!
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>
> DATE: October 6, 2008
>
>
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure
> I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll
> continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
>
> In the meantime,
> management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>
> Happy Whatever!
> Joan
>

I wonder if these are true.:innocent:

Quote:

---

In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

---

Quote:

---

Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

---

Did you know, that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?:blushing:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit

Did you know, that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?:blushing:

---

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/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/

/
/
/
/
/
/
Did you know that 75% of people who read that, try to lick their elbow???:innocent: LOL

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

( a widow)

Diary from Michigan ...
August 12--- Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so Beautiful here. The forests are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering the trees!
October 14--- Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful forest and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
November 11--- Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. Love it here!
December 2--- We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years. And I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.
December 12--- More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight and I won!
December 14 --- Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 --- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 --- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel. Electricity was off for 14 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 --- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that stuff again (boots, jump suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves etc.), then I got the urge to pee! The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 25--- Merry stinking Christmas, more stinking snow. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the road to melt the frigging ice.
December 27--- More white stuff fell last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white stuff! The weather man said to expect another 10 inches tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Darned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
December 28--- The frigging weather man was wrong. We got 34 inches of the white stuff this time. At the rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that jerk came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the stuff he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last shovel over his frigging head.
January 4--- Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get food and on the way back a darned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last November!
May 3--- Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all the salt they put all over the road? Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
May 24--- Can you believe we're still getting more snow?!! It's springtime !! Where's that snow shovel?
April 4---Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in Michigan!

Telephone Rings.....

"Hello. Ken, Ken, Ken and Ken, Attorneys at Law."
"Yes. I'd like to speak with Ken, please."
"I'm sorry, he's in court today."
"Well, could I speak with Ken then?"
"He's with a client at the moment."
"Okay. How about Ken?"
"He's out of the office the rest of the day."
"Fine! Then can I speak to Ken?"
"Speaking."

There were 2 Ken's in my office........ :innocent:

I heard Tiger Woods is changing his name.

to....


Cheetah Woods

:whistling: