Are you sure you asked that right Tony? The version I heard was "What question can you never (truthfully) answer 'Yes' to?"
But if that's not it, then I don't know either. :)
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Are you sure you asked that right Tony? The version I heard was "What question can you never (truthfully) answer 'Yes' to?"
But if that's not it, then I don't know either. :)
What can you never (truthfully) answer 'yes' to? If a woman asks, Am I fat? :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Catfish
ROFL! Well technically you can say that, but only once.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam
this one is a bit long but worth it
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Dont think to hard about this.
What question can no one ever answer
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
He must be the guy with the lowest test scoreQuote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
Are you deadQuote:
Originally Posted by Tony uk
Close but noQuote:
Originally Posted by beerrunner13
Anyone can answer that, No Im Not Dead...............
how did you die?Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony uk
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Rick: very smooth
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
what question can one never answer? is it the one that isn't asked?
what's the difference between a coke head and a tweaker?
Nice one crashdive123, I like it.
Man goes to the doctor, and after a strenous examination the doctor comes in with his clip board and says: I got good news and bad news which one do you want first?"
Mans says the bad news.
Doc says: "Bad news is you got AIDS."
"What!" the man says, "what can be good news after that?"
Doc smiles and says: "Good news is you got Alzheimer's so go home and forget about it."
What's grosser than gross?
A 1000 dead babies in a dumpster.
What's grosser than that? The one on the bottom eating his way to the top!
dead baby jokes, joy.
what else's worse than 1000 dead babies in a dumpster? 1 dead baby in 1000 dumpsters.
how do you know when your baby's dead? the dog plays with it more.
how do you pick a dead baby out of a crowd? with a high powered rifle.
Little Johnny takes his dog for a walk down by the railroad tracks.
The dog runs across the tracks as a train passes by clipping him in the rear.
Little Johnny frantically picks up his dog and runs home.
His mother asks him how this happened.
Little Johnny recounts his story telling his mother that the train hit his dog in the ***.
His mother gives him a stern look and says, "Now Johnny! We don't use words like that. Instead of using that word, say rectum"
Little Johnny thinks about this for a minute then replies, "Recked him hell, damned near killed him"
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma is so fat she got baptized in sea world.
Yo mama so fat she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...
Yo mama so fat small objects orbit her.
Yo mama so fat when she farted she launched herself into orbit.
Yo mama so fat the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.
Yo mama so fat her Uni graduation photo was an aerial.
They'll both steal your money, but a tweaker will help you look for it after.Quote:
Originally Posted by canid
A worm was crawling over the railroad tracks when a train came whizzing by. The worm almost made it but the train cut off the last portion of the worm. The worm turned around and started back over the tracks and another train came along and cut off its head. The moral? Don't loose your head over a piece of tail.
Hey Rick...this is the funny thread ok? Just for future reference there buddy, just trying to help ya out.
You obviously haven't read some of the others on here.
I've just come to expect better from you, the quality of your previous work, know what I mean?Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
President Bush is giving a press confrence when a journalist rises and asks:
'Mr President, what can you say to the reports that 3 Brazilian soldiers where killed in a raid on a suspected al Qaeda stronghold yesterday?'
the President looks up, his stern face becomming somber. a tear wells in his eye and rolls down. 'I had no idea...' he said. 'what have we done?'
the journalist responds 'in this was, over 500 Coalition members and Contractors have been killed, 30,000 Iraqi forces and over 9,000 in Coalition allied Iraqi security forces. why this sudden change of heart?'
the President looks up and says 'look! i know you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, but that's just.... i mean that's... wait, how many is in a Brazilian?'
ROTFLMAO! And it has nothing to do with the joke itself canid,but rather the typo in it that got me!:eek:
ah yes; teats in President Bush's eye would be a bit funnier.
Seems president Bush has a little Clintonism going on huh????LOL!
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning
to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked,
"How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to
kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the
exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison
me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and
started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny?
Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
hahahhaaha, nice
how many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
it depends on how hard you throw them
If you have $5 and Chuck Noris has $5 dollars, Chuck Noris has more money than you
Chuck Noris doesnt start fights, He ends them
Chuck Noris doesnt sleep, He waits
If it swims like a duct, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck - but Chuck Norris says it's a dog - then it's a dog
If Shmuck Norris has a boot in his azz... and you don't, then Shmuck Norris.... lol... can't even finish this... lol... you guys are frig'n nuts... lol....
Careful now. Don't want to make Chuck mad.
http://www.daffydoodles.com/Chuck_Norris.jpg
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question :
You are participating in a r ace. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<
Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person then you take his place. You are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator . Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 ... Now add 30 . Add another 1000. Now add 20 Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100 .
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe..
Fourth Question :
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.
spamn-it the addition one actually got me.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
See, I have a tough time viewing Chuck Norris as a tough guy. Oh yes, he could kick my *** I'm sure, but then most people could, so that's not saying much. I've only suffered through a couple of his movies and "Walker Texas Ranger" is pure comedy so I don't claim to know him very well. But to me he just seems like someone playing the part of a tough guy. And not particularly well at that. I mean just look at him! The dweeby haircut and precious little beard...I've seen tougher looking computer programmers.
I also didn't think there was anything "cool" about The Fonz, remember John Wayne's legendary swagger as being rather effeminate, and could never see Jerry Seinfeld as the babe magnet he like to portray himself as in his sit-com.
Maybe it's just me. :cool:
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."