Yeah. What he said.
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Yeah. What he said.
Whuuut???:blushing:
[quote=Pal334;159134]WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000..
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha??? :tongue_smilie::clap:
Nell: You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???
I never agrue with her, unless I am at least 100 miles away and will not be home for several days. I have all of this stuff memorized. And I am very well trained. We use a spanish term, I am a "Lobo domesticado" a domesticated wolf. I behave very well at home. :)
Yeah, but are you house broke?
Welllll.....Quote:
Originally Posted by nell67
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olKE4JfeKnw
2D you spend way to much time on you tube. (Thanks for the laughs)
Yea,but she can't read this stuff on here and you are venting at her,right????J/K Pal,I think they are hilarious,and trying to be non-chalantly funny when I post those little comments at you guys for the women jokes,they are not meant to make you think I disapprove of what you typed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
Rotflmfao!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
Not to worry, after this many years, I think I am behind in the zings from her :)Quote:
Originally Posted by nell67
Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And
> Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.
>
> After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel
>
> The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And
> Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An
> Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
>
>
> These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My
> Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'
>
>
> The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go
> Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First
> Man Says,
>
> 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'
>
> 'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'>
>
> 'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was
> Loving Her.' His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'>
>
> 'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'
>
> 'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck,
> And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window.....
> Took My Teeth With Her!
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right Thar).
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says, 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive stuff.
Don't laugh.....it is all true...these are the perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70 (or even the golden years) should we discover them.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out...
8. You can eat supper at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in ...
no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance ...
is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists ...
than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends ...
because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally ...
down to manageable size.
19. And never, under any circumstances ... take a sleeping pill & a laxative on the same night.
I was emailed this today, thought I'd share....
This is as close as it gets to explaining how government works!
-----
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the y oung man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now, give me back my dog.
HA HA HA now that was funny. :)
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
I laughed really hard the 1st time I read that on the "Joke-of-the-day" thread! :innocent:
DogMan, that is Funny......
sorry, i don't have the amount of leisure time that you do, to spend reading every post.:smash::smash::smash:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
Well now it's in the right place! :cool2:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. Youare hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
F16 vs. C-130
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
Us old folks understand this one.
True, true.
Nice.......
HaHaHa...Good one Pal. Kinda reminds me of the joke about the young bull and the old bull. LOL:innocent:
Being an Old Bull is much more fun :)Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
Being full of bull....never mind.
Mmmm,, I think I may resemble that remarkQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To heck with your canoes!"
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing a**-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the he**. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pi**ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
Menopause would be even better!
Nope, I ain't going there. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by nell67
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
Why,or would that be an unfair advantage???? LMAO!
Having been married for 30 plus years and having experiencing it, I am certain it would be a violation of the Geneva Convention :cool2:Quote:
Originally Posted by nell67
Probably right about that,but it would be one helluva secret weapon ,until they figured it out!Quote:
Originally Posted by Pal334
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise
for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :-)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?