Men own the remote, too. That's another good reason. Aaar, Aaar, Aaar.
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Men own the remote, too. That's another good reason. Aaar, Aaar, Aaar.
....and they where the pants in the family........What's that dear?........Not the bluejeans?.........How about these?........OK, thanks.
Now what was I saying - oh yeah - men wear the pants in the family.
A couple in Sutton , Ontario , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here.......
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her...
After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message e. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office.
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............ .You're holding it upside down!'
That just ain't right. But it is funny :)
Funny?? It's hilarious!!
I was trying to show some here before unseen (in me) understatement :)Quote:
Originally Posted by nell67
Well, no wonder she didn't catch it.
OK...who would you like to do this to???:innocent:
http://www.wimp.com/cokeprank/
Oh, man. That's nasty, I was even raining coke from the ceiling. You're cleaning up that mess, 2D, or I'm tellin' mom!
I think some folks have a little too much time on their hands :) And Rick, go ahead and tell on him he deserves it :)
The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one young scout raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Johnny?"
Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'
Equus said that's the next thing to go in her kit!!!! That was so funny she got choked from laughing!!
well why not, you get bored sometimes anyway right? especially if you are out for a LONG time. Makes sense but I thought it was really funny too.
Well not exactly what I thought this thread was about, but it was funny. :)
oops sorry, that is just what it was called. What did you think it was about?
I made a post about it. Implementing survival cards or similar. Still a good posts though my wife thought it was hilarious. :)
O, ok well got a good laugh anyhow. Tried to fix it but wouldn't show on the thread title.
How do you want the title to read? I'll edit it if you want it changed.
Just so they know it is a joke. I don't care. Can title it jokes if ya want to.
I do hope that this one does not offend anyone.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
HA HA HA I don't care who you are, that's funny.
:blushing:guess I shoulda posted on the regular jokes huh? o well, now we got another one.
I'm moving it right now. :cool2:
A group of friends went deer hunting
and paired off in twos for the day.. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others
asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter
replied.
'You left Henry laying out there
and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But
I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!'
haha, that is messed up!
And thanks so much Sarge.
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking
Betcha' Nell could do that when she was clean sober. Just sayin'. :innocent:
Clean and sober? Backing QUICKLY away from thread. Now running like H**l!!!!!
Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by ken
OK Rick - it's safe to come back.
A mechanic was working on the brakes of a car when a drop of brake fluid landed on his lips. To his surprise, it tasted very good. He dabbed his finger in a bit of the fluid and touched it to his lips. Amazing!
That evening he told his buddy what had happened. "That stuff is really good," he told him.
Later that week, the two of them were sitting around drinking beer and the mechanic said, "You know, I drank a cap full of brake fluid today. I can't get over just how good that stuff tastes."
"Are you nuts?" asked his buddy. "That stuff is poisonous. You keep drinking that and you'll either get hooked on it or kill yourself."
"Nonsense," replied the mechanic. "I can stop any time I want."
You really should get a day job.
see crash, this is what happens when you invite Rick back
just sayin'
And to BOTH of you...
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q..._zone/moon.gif
Wow, Rick, you were able to pull those pants right over your head! :innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
* Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter: “All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.
Signed, God Gen, USAF, Retired.”
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* The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building.”
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.
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* Three men are using the latrine: an airman, a sailor, and a soldier. The airman finishes and washes his hands using a lot of soap and water, then dries using five paper towels. He says “In the Air Force, we’re taught to wash and dry thoroughly.” The sailor finishes and washes his hands using very little soap and water and dries with one paper towel. He says “In the Navy, we’re taught to conserve our resources.” The soldier finishes and walks out, saying, “In the Army, we just don’t pee on our hands.”
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* There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord Air Force Base FB to Fort Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals.”
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Army guy replies, “You’re da** right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!” The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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* The four service chiefs are sitting around debating which service has the bravest troops.
The Army chief steps up, calls over a soldier and says, “Soldier, go take out that insurgent house by yourself.” The soldier salutes smartly, yells “Hooah!” and charges into the building, fighting bravely before being eventually overcome. The Army chief says, “See? That’s courage!”
The Marine Corps commandant stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll show you real courage.” He calls over a young Marine and says, “Marine, charge that terrorist camp by yourself and kill ‘em all!” The Marine salutes smartly, yells “Semper Fi!” and charges into the camp, fighting valiantly before eventually being overcome. The commandant says, “Now that’s courage!”
The Navy chief stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll give you some real courage! He calls over a young seaman and says, “Seaman, go swim out to sea in shark-infested waters by yourself and clear that underwater minefield!” The sailor salutes smartly, says “Aye, aye, sir!” and jumps into the water, bravely fighting off the sharks and attacking the mines until eventually being overcome. The Navy chief says, “Now there’s Navy courage!”
The Air Force chief smiles to his fellow service chiefs and quietly calls over a young airman. “Airman,” he says, “I want you to fly through those impenetrable air defenses over there and bomb that target.” The airman sees his mission into impending doom, looks at the chief, and says “Sc**w you, sir,” and walks away. The Air Force chief looks around at the table and says, “See? Now that’s courage!”
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* Q: The Air Force calls them helicopters, the Army calls them choppers … what does the Marine Corps call them?
A: “UUNGHHH! UUNGHH!” (while pointing skyward).