Quote:
Originally Posted by wareagle69
Or a beer? :)
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/horse_piss_beer.jpg
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wareagle69
Or a beer? :)
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/horse_piss_beer.jpg
Vocabulary Words
1. *Mushroom*
When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
2. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
3. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
4. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
5. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her harassment nothing to me.
6. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
Deleted, not appropriate for forum
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .....
=====================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
=====================================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
=====================================
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Ken 'Da Newt' and Stargazer have a new video, out. :clap:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XsaC...eature=related
I'm the guy wearing the hat! :)
If any of you go to the Yankee Kenboree, don't let Ken get you with this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjCDLMtkNGc
>>Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? :online2long::online2long::online2long:
ORQuote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
"Brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and........." 2dumb2kwit
Nooooowwwww we understand.:innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Lose enough brain cells you become a lawyer! :clap::clap::clap::clap:Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
Yet another of a long series of weak comebacks. :smash:
Lose 'em all and you become a Moderator. Just sayin'. :innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarge47
I resemble that remark!:blushing:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Kitty Stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he
could say "F##k", the
Rottweiler ate him!"
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
Stupid pet tricks! LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xivhw...layer_embedded
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Was this duck named Ken, by any chance?:sneaky2:
Got any Bread?Quote:
Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit
ooohhhh i got the joke of the day right here wait for it... ready... here it is
ken............hahahahahahahahahahahahah man i crack myself up
Grandparents -- In the Eyes of Their Grandchildren:
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with trembling voice; 'Who was THAT?'
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd got to know you sooner!'
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike? '' You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?'
he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!'
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised, 'mine says I'm 4 to 6.'
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another. 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.'
13. A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH HER, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.
14. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
16.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
The Reason for High Veterinary Bills
A woman who was travelling across country and full timing with her pets brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Now that there's funny, I don't care who you are. Unfortunately all too true as well.
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite ....
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Pause...
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "
THat is funny ,
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Now that's funny!and scarily correct
Home Depot Scam
Please tell your male friends, etc. shopping at Home Depot about this scam!
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also April 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Big Lots and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.....
You're just looking for new projects to do around the house, huh? :innocent:
Ya know, I was there three times this weekend and nothing. Mmmm,, could it be my cologne? Sweat?Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Pal - she was working on getting over to you - she just moves a bit slower now-a-days.
http://home.earthlink.net/~nautinurse2/cigar.jpg
Aaah, and here I thought it was that there was no McDonalds near byQuote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
that's why it really starts with a far less distasteful act.Quote:
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted
the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even
know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends.
Are you sure that lady wasn't just 2dumb cross-dressing again? :sneaky2:
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck..
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
It is not how old you are, but how you are old. -Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)