Those last 2 were from my wife.:cool2:Quote:
Originally Posted by oldsoldier
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Those last 2 were from my wife.:cool2:Quote:
Originally Posted by oldsoldier
Ohh okay they were kinda funny after all
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago...'
An Indian walks into a drug store.
He approaches the counter and exclaims, "Me need rubba"
The pharmacist gives the indian a random selection. The indian smiles big and pays for his purchase and is on his way.
The very next day the Indian returns and seems to be disgruntled exclaiming,
"Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!
The pharmacist scratches his head and gives the indian largest size on the shelves.
The indian smiles and again is on his way.
The following day the Indian returns now red faced and very disgruntled!
"Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!
The druggist shakes his head in disbeleif.... He explains he has just the thing and goes out to his truck grabbing a new tire tube he had gotten for a tractor. He expediantly cut the tube in half and sewed one end up. He returned to the counter where the indian was growing impatient. A BIG smile crosses the indians face as the pharmacist hands over his improvised version of a very large condom.The indian goes on his way now skipping out of the store.
That very evening the Indian returns now furious and wielding a knife! As the pharmacist runs for the back door, the Indian exclaims -
ME GO UGH!......... RUBBER GO UGH!.........SQUAW GO POW!!!!!!
A cowboy truck driver parked his rig outside a diner & went in. The waitress
asks him what he'll have. He says he hasn't been able to eat much over the last several days & orders the biggest steak they have. As he's waiting for his order six outlaw bikers roar up on their big Harley-Hogs, park them in a nice-looking straight line, dismount, and strut into the diner. They grab some booths in the back and are clowning around making a bunch of noise when the waitress comes out with the Trucker's steak. Eyeing the huge slab of meat the bikers walk over to the Trucker, one of which flips open an extremely sharp butterfly knife; which he then proceeds to use to cut most of the steak out of the center, leaving a rim about a half an inch wide, mostly fat, on the Trucker's plate. Laughing, the bikers head back to their booths where they divide up the steak & proceed to devour it. The Trucker continues to stare straight ahead, then pays his bill, walks out of the diner, gets in his rig, & tears our of the parking lot. The Bike-gang leader struts up to the waitress & says:
"Hey baby, that Trucker wasn't much of a man; he didn't even fight for his food!"
The waitress, still staring out the window after the departing Trucker responded: "That's ok, he wasn't much of a truck driver either....he just ran over 6 motorcycles!":sneaky2::innocent::cool2:
The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one young scout raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Johnny?"
Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'
After returning home from his honeymoon ...
... the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
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"That's me before the surgery"
A couple of old guys were golfing one day...
..., when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the crotch."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me..
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.
A perfume saleswoman stepped on an elevator alone and had a sudden urge to pass gas. Since she was all alone, she let one go. It turned out to be much worse than she expected so she rummaged in her purse for a moment and pulled out a bottle labled "Scent of Lilacs". She spritz the inside of the elevator and stuck the bottle back in her purse.
Just then the elevator stopped, the doors opened and drunk stumbled into the elevator. He stopped abruptly, took a long sniff and thought for a moment. He took another long sniff and looked at the woman. "Whas that smell?" he asked.
"Do you like it?" she inquired.
"Oh, heck yea. Smells like someone crapped a flower garden."
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle..
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes..
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment..
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever..
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
Some of my least favorite parent sayings that I had recited to me:
If you get a whippin' at school, you'll get one when you get home.
Go cut a switch and you better make it a good one.
Don't run from me! You'll only make it worse!
Just wait until your father gets home!
After I got older, I sensed a theme to my youth.
One of my all time favorites - I'll give you something to cry about.
Thanks, Pal. Only now do I understand just how neglected and deprived I really was growing up. :clap:
Amazingly, we grew up fairly normal:sneaky2::alien::thumbup1:
What? You call this normal?
Sure, what else can we call co equal (if there is such a thing) weirdness :bat:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
I know this is not a joke, but did not want to start a whole new thread. Also hpe it is not considered political, that is not my intent. If ya'll think it is ,delete it, no harm no foul or complaint here.
Firearms Refresher
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords and IEDs?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23.. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
“Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,” the old man replies. “Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M’s.”
Crash that was.................funny!!!!!!!
This is NOT open to discussion so we won't violate the forum rules here, but it was too funny NOT to post! Besides, all politicians are fair game when it comes to ridicule!:innocent:
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President then demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order.. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.
I love it! :clap::sneaky2:
Not gonna discuss it,but THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!
A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin'
night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"
The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."
:innocent:
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . ..Now give me back my dog.
Now that was funny, I don't care who you are!:clap:
So this Congressman, who's party affiliation will remain unknown so we won't have all the Dem's mad at us,:innocent: recently made a diplomatic trip to a small village in Africa at the bequest of his hero, idol, & favorite Prez: you-know-who. All the villagers were gathered together and the Congressman was asked to make a speech. He was given the services of a local interpeter who would translate everything the politician said to the villagers who spoke very little English.
"I am here today, because America cares about each & every person on this globe, as well as those in this village!" He started. The interpeter translated & the villagers all shouted out in one voice: "Huzza Ganada!"
Encouraged by their enthusiasm, the Congressman continued. "Yes, the USA is a great country, totally united and in agreement on the idea of treating everybody in a fair, humane manner!" Once again the crowd roared: "Huzza Ganada", this time waving their arms as well.
Totally enjoying the response the Congressman said: "In America, the best, smartest, & most loved American becomes the leader of his people, the nation, & gains much respect from the other nations in the world!"
"Huzza Ganada!" The crowd shouted. So emotionally overwelmed by the villagers' response the Congressman wiped tears from his eyes as he turned to his interpeter and said: "It is my understanding that your people raise the best cattle in the region. I, too, raise cattle back in America & would like to see your herd."
"Yes sir," his helper replied, we have many bulls that we supply to Spain & Mexico for their bullfights. They are over in that pasture over there, but we must be careful when we go in there not to step in all of the Huzza Ganada!" :innocent:
Old Dogs
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...:cool2:
Blind Man In A Biker Bar
A blind man wanders into an all - girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair – given that you are blind -- that you should know
Five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'
:clap:
So let's hear some "Blonde Guy" jokes!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said , 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch , I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed , 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off , too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said , ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time , I'm jumping too.'
The next day , the Irishman opened his lunch box , saw corned beef and cabbage , and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch , saw a burrito , and jumped , too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch , saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral , the Irishman's wife was weeping... She said , 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage , I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said , 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said ,
'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch...'
====================================
* Why did the blond man miss his flight?
He was just getting to the airport, so he went to Arrivals.
* Why did the blond man miss his second flight?
He was sure Gate C-3 was after gate B-2 which should have been after A-1.
* Why did the blond man get arrested by Airport Security?
The sign said 'Declare All Valuables' so he showed the officer the Family Jewels.
* Why were there no great blond male gunfighters in the old west?
They went broke having to buy a new gun after every six shots
* How do you confuse a blond man?
Tell him to alphabetically sort Social Security Numbers.
*Why did the blond man drown?
The sign said 'NO SWIMMING'.
* Why did the blond man move?
He heard on the news that a home invasion crime may happen where you live.
==========
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said that she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonde men laying sod across the street.
Enjoy! :cool2:
there was a survivalist lost in the woods.
he encountered a hermit.
the survivalist said; im starving have you any meat?
the hermit said: no but i have an apple that tastes like beef.
so the survivalist excepted it and took a bite.
the survivalist spat out the apple and said:man that tastes like crap!
the hermit said: you have to turn it around!
Three bodies at the mortuary ...
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old
Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi,
Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought she was having her picture taken."
For a second there I thought you were going to talk about plastic surgury and botox.
......One day a man is driving down the freeway with his 5 yr. old son, then out of nowhere a convertible sports car came whizzing past.
There was a very hot young blonde standing up waving to everyone while totally nude!
The father cringed and looked over at his little boy and then asked him, "By chance did you notice anything about the lady in that car?".
He said, "I sure did daddy, she did'nt have a seatbelt on!".
:lmao:
Never underestimate the innocence of a child.
One Nation, 'Under God.'
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
Classroom. The teacher was going to explain
Evolution to the children. The teacher asked
A little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
Outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
Outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
If you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
Later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
Doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
Boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
The boy: Tommy, do you see the tree
Outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
Outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
Teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
Were taught today in school, she possibly
May not even have one!
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon. "Hey Willie," the farmer said., "Forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat." "That's mighty nice of you, but Pa wouldn't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay, " the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
Across in about 2 hours, having Almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength
And the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
Was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength,
The tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked Across
the bridge.
'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers..
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him..
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
Very nice.