Joke of the day.

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03-15-2009, 04:27 PM
Ken

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarge47

In honor of Ken here's a couple of lawyer jokes that you might all enjoy, I wrote the 2nd one myself.:sneaky2:

I see. Rick's sobering up somewhere off-line, so now YOU gotta' start?

There's only one of you three left that I haven't heard from today. He's on-line now, too. Why not make it a triple-play? :tabletalk:
03-15-2009, 04:42 PM
crashdive123

In an effort to fufill the requests of forum members (it should be noted that this practice is not an "on demand" service) here goes.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.
03-15-2009, 04:56 PM
RunsWithDeer

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
03-15-2009, 04:56 PM
RunsWithDeer

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
03-15-2009, 04:57 PM
RunsWithDeer

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
03-15-2009, 04:58 PM
RunsWithDeer

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
03-15-2009, 05:00 PM
RunsWithDeer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
03-15-2009, 05:07 PM
Ken

MEMBER ADVICE REQUESTED:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rick

Dear Forum Members:

Please advise. I am a Super Moderator and I attended a conference on writing motivational survival treads. I hoped to help Forum members change their behaviors and reduce their survival risk factors.

I decided to test the motivational posting method one morning on my hotel suite maid with the phase one question...

Zelda, what do you think of the idea of having a threesome?

I learned that such a question should not be asked when your maid is taking knives out of the dishwasher.

That afternoon, after my stitches had been completed, I figured the time was right for the phase two question. I waited until after Zelda had finished vacuuming, hoping that she would be more agreeable, and then I asked...

Zelda, if you decided to try a threesome with me, could you see any advantages for improving your sex life?

I learned that such a question should not be asked when your maid has a heavy appliance at hand.

I was surprised that my maid was very nice to me after my second discharge from the hospital. She must have been feeling guilty about fracturing my skull. The time was right for the phase three question...

Zelda, if you decided to have a threesome do you think you could do it?

I could not believe her response. She told me that she had contacted an escort service and that my question would be answered that same evening. Later, she led me to my hotel room bed. She took off all my clothes, she blindfolded me and she tied my four limbs to the bed posts. Then, I waited in anticipation until I heard a knock on the door. Soon after I could feel four hands massaging my back. It felt wonderful.

Then Zelda slowly removed my blindfold and I saw that we were in bed with another man! She then asked me...

Ken, do you see any advantages of using K-Y Jelly when you are tied face down on the bed for a threesome?

What should my answer have been?

Forum Members Reply In Unison: 'Your answer was "No," wasn't it?" :lol::lol::lol:
03-15-2009, 05:15 PM
Sarge47

Hmmm.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken

MEMBER ADVICE REQUESTED:
Your answer was "No," wasn't it? :lol::lol::lol:

Never knew that Hotel suites were equipped with dishwashers, I thought all of the dirty dishes went with room service back down to the main kitchen. :innocent:
03-15-2009, 05:23 PM
Ken

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarge47

Never knew that Hotel suites were equipped with dishwashers, I thought all of the dirty dishes went with room service back down to the main kitchen. :innocent:

Look, Sarge, I plagerized this joke, OKAY? :blushing: I substituted the word "maid" for another word in the original joke. I also changed the location where events took place. No need to involve other family members here.......... :innocent: Besides, I like it here. :) (Mumbles to himself: The only one who hasn't picked on me yet today is Crash." Makes mental note to check back on thread to see if he gets any sympathy.)

Actually, some suites I've been in DO have dishwashers in the kitchen.
03-15-2009, 05:35 PM
Rick

Nice. Real nice. I'm the ONLY one that DIDN'T post a lawyer joke and you go after me. Okay.
03-15-2009, 05:45 PM
Ken

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rick

Nice. Real nice. I'm the ONLY one that DIDN'T post a lawyer joke and you go after me. Okay.

Did you forget about today's post #40 here? :sneaky2: http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...?t=3153&page=2 My feelings were so terribly hurt..........
03-15-2009, 05:48 PM
Ken

Quote:

Originally Posted by crashdive123

In an effort to fufill the requests of forum members (it should be noted that this practice is not an "on demand" service) here goes.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Et tu, Brute? Shakespeare
03-15-2009, 05:53 PM
crashdive123

Just trying to comply with your request.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken

I see. Rick's sobering up somewhere off-line, so now YOU gotta' start?

There's only one of you three left that I haven't heard from today. He's on-line now, too. Why not make it a triple-play? :tabletalk:

By the way, where was the conference you attended?
03-15-2009, 06:06 PM
Ken

Super Moderator Abuses Power!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by crashdive123

Just trying to comply with your request.

By the way, where was the conference you attended?

YOU DOG!!! :airhorn: You changed the source of my quote from "Rick" to "Ken!" :cursing: Super Moderators can do THAT too, huh? :confused1: (Ahh, but I changed it back again - this game could go on forever...) Talk about an abuse of power!!! :nono: Look, I'm the ONLY one here who's supposed to mess with quoted posts, got it? :angermanagement:

Man! Those three stick together! :sneaky2:
03-15-2009, 06:10 PM
crashdive123

It's all part of the Super Moderator Code.
http://smileyshut.com/smileys/new/emot89.gif
03-15-2009, 06:14 PM
crashdive123

Quote:

Ahh, but I changed it back again - this game could go on forever...

That's true, but can you do this? (he says as he closes thread).....just kidding - thread's open.:lol:
03-15-2009, 07:01 PM
Rick

Wait until we make him disappear for 10 days. Chuckle. Even his girlfriend won't know where he is.
03-15-2009, 07:10 PM
Ken

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rick

Wait until we make him disappear for 10 days. Chuckle. Even his girlfriend won't know where he is.

And she may thank you for the rest ........
03-15-2009, 07:15 PM
Rick

For the rest of what?

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