There appears to be some contradicting evidence.
http://www.profilemods.com/userpics/...ures/7_new.jpg
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There appears to be some contradicting evidence.
http://www.profilemods.com/userpics/...ures/7_new.jpg
Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
http://www.drunkenbearhuntingclub.co...ood-758455.jpg
is the pope still catholic?? bear premise proved.. jury still out on the pope ..
This is for all those Marine-hating jokes........
http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e9...ig_1657261.jpg
A blonde in trouble
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business
and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost
my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery
night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've
lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I
don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE, let me win the lottery just t! his one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart,
work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: " Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
20 to Life!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, Dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continued.............. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send
you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out
today".
Car Wreck:
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!"
BLONDE AGAIN
a blonde is on a bus, when she suddenly farts. Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time she farts, she times it with the music.
When she starts making her way to the door as she exits the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at her, and she suddenly realizes. .............
she's listening to her IPod !
Sven & Ole
Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks
like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws
himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he
pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself
off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks
his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping,
den Knute parrotshooting .. And now Lars, hengliding ..."
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through
the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What a time of night to
be getting home! Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm
not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN!! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?!?'
this Is A Story About A Couple Who Had Been Happily Married For Years.
The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke. The Noise Would Wake His Wife And The Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.
Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick.. He Told Her He Couldn't Stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out.
The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One Thanksgiving Morning As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards And Neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.
She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts.
Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The Bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her Eyes! After Years Of Torture She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good.
About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Downstairs In His Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Was The Matter.
He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And I Didn't Listen To You.'
'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.
'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting My Guts Out, And Today It Finally Happened.......
But By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And Two Fingers. I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In!!'
Omg!!!! Rotflmao!!!!!!
Speaking of Sven and Ole…..
Sven and Ole were looking for a job, so they went to the job placement office. They filled out their applications and proceeded into the office for a brief interview.
Interviewer: Sven, what was your last job?
Sven: I was a diesel fitter.
Interviewer: That’s wonderful. You are in big demand around these parts. Go out to see the placement officer immediately – you can start work today. Sven heads out to start his new job.
Interviewer: My goodness that was a great find for us. I hope we can find you a job as quickly.
Ole: Ya sure. Me too.
Interviewer: What was your last job?
Ole: I made women’s panty hose.
Interviewer: I’m sorry Ole, but there is nothing available like that.
Ole: There has to be.
Interviewer: I’m sorry, but there really isn’t any work available like that.
Ole: I don’t understand. There has to be.
Interviewer: I’m sorry, but there isn’t.
Ole: But you found my brother a job…..
Interviewer: Well he had a sill that is in high demand around here.
Ole: I know, that’s why you should be finding me a job too.
Interviewer: There is just no demand for your skills around here.
Ole: I don’t get it. Me and Sven, we work together.
Interviewer: You must be mistaken.
Ole: No, no I’m not.
Interviewer: Care to explain?
Ole: Ya sure. I make the women’s panty hose and hand them to Sven. Sven holds them up, looks at them, and says – Ya sure, diesel fitter. Den he hands dem to the lady.
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now **** off you ****!"
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody
home?' she asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
'This is the Outhouse!'
:D:D:D:D:D
Now that's funny!
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.