Joke of the day.

My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.:D

FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good. But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough." :eek::rolleyes::D:cool:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sarge47

My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.:D

FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good. But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough." :eek::rolleyes::D:cool:

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Yuk Yuk.. :D:D

oh that is bad, thanks, needed a laugh this morning.

Logical, makes sense to me.

The problem was that they were using hunting dogs. You can throw Cihuahua's much higher.

Yeah, we're all laughing, but is the dog???? Thanks Sarge :D

my turn:D



Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night dancing."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."



hee hee no offense meant to anyone but i thought i thought it was funny

Thats a good one Dragonjimm.

Wilderness Comments

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me There was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards Was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I Immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
Voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
The best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
Of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug it disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (you see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy Is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I SUGGESTED SCIENTIFICALLY.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not In labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just The way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this

'So, Ernie's just just . . . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman i married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
__________________

now thats funny.:D gives a whole new meaning to the phrase," i gotta go drain the lizard".:eek:

LMAO!! Was it a gecko? Geckos have insurance ya know.. :D

That's (sniff) the most heartwarming(sob) love story I've ever heard since "Brokeback Mountain"!:(:rolleyes::D

Thisin is even tough to tell: This very elderly lady lived all alone. She had outlived her husband, children and all her friends. She had nothing to do because the town she lived in was so small the only newspaper was one sheet and was only printed on one side. One evening sitting all alone in her big house she decided to end it all and found her late husband's pistol and decided she was going to shoot herself thru heart. In her state of abject sorrow the poor old lady couldn't remember where her heart was. She pondered this and decided to call her doctor. She asked, "Dr. where is one's heart? The Dr said "your heart is on your left side, just under your breast." She thanked him, hung up and quickly placed the pistol under her left breast and pulled the trigger. This caused a stir in the little town. The one page newspaper finally had a headline and this is it: ELDERLY WOMAN SHOOTS SELF IN LEFT KNEE, now if that don't bring a tear to your eye nothing will.:(:(

Saw it coming with the call to the doc. Still LMAO!

Eeeeeewwwww! That was bad... really bad Coot.. :D LMAO

@SamR: yeah all of a sudden I said to myself "lizards lay eggs" so glad I read through to the end, lol

@Coot: that's downright nasty :)


Little Johnny passes by a farmer in his field, he's carrying a roll of duck tape. The farmer asks him what he's up to "gonna get some ducks" says Johnny. Farmer says "Johnny, you can't get ducks with duck tape" Couple of hours later, Johnny comes back with a couple of ducks.

Next day Johnny walks by with some chicken wire. The farmer chuckles "going to get some chickens Johnny?" "Yep" The farmer shakes his head, "boy, you don't get chickens with chicken wire" Couple of hours later, Johnny walks by with a couple of dead chickens.

Next day Johnny walks by with a bunch of pussy-willows in his hand. Farmer grabs his hat and says, "Hang on Johnny, I'm coming with you"

yep.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies
out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I
can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the
sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and
pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off
it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

I've got one.

A pessimist and his friend are gonna go duck hunting and the friend goes to get a good dog. The friend asks the kennel owner for his best dog and gives him one that he says can walk on water. The friend wants proof so the kennel owner and the pessimist's friend go to the pond and the dog proves to walk on water. The next day the pessimist and his friend go hunting and shoot a duck so the friend sends his dog to go get it. He runs across the water and runs back with the duck. The friend says "Do you notice anything unusual about my dog?" to the pessimist and the pessimist says "Your dog can't swim."

Why do meirmaids wear sea shells??

B shells would be to small and D shells would be too big!

Don

Never , ever tick off a nurse


A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....

"Not with a carnation."


LOL

http://a935.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...c6438faa76.gif
How's that:D lol.... now that's funny... lol...

Oh yeah, she's gonna fit right in, good one TrappinGal.

http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/pict.../image0021.jpg


i hate to admit it, but even i had to laugh out loud on this one. :D

The Tax Man.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied th e auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete _______." LOL

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower !

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.



The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." .....the end

I cleaned this up a little... kids on here ya know.

PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDIES OF MEN IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS

You may expect to find one or more of the following behaviors in a men's room at any time.
1. EXCITABLE: shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. SOCIABLE: joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
3. CROSSEYED: looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
4. TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
5. INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6. CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
7. WORRIED: not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. PLAYFUL: plays stream up. down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
9. ABSENT MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11. SNEAK: farts silently when pissing, acts very innocent, knows man at next stall will get blamed.
12. PATIENT: stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads with free hand.
13. DESPARATE: waits in long line, legs crossed, pisses in pants.
14. TOUGH: bangs d*** on side of urinal to dry it.
15. EFFICIENT: wait til he has to s***, then does both.
16. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17. Little: Stands on box.
18. Drunk: holds left thumb in right hand. Pisses in pants.
19. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. CONCEITED: holds two-inch d*** like a baseball bat.

Speeding in Indiana:


1) Good:
A Greenwood,IN policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post on I-65 in Indiana. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Indiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Indiana State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car

That's funny!

Hey speaking of ....... where's Beo? (JK Beo :D)

For all you moose hunters out there

Attachment 384

Indiana State Troopers don't have balls eh..:D

Never underestimate Nells sense of humor... it's a killer! :D LMAO!

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember - - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

I can really relate to #21 LOL.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, '"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

___________________

Reply from dad...
Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."