A story for HopeAK fans....
I know why HopeAK doesnt have an outhouse door. Its because once upon a time, there was a handsome mountain man who lived in a remote cabin and had an outhouse (with a door).
This handsome fella got a little lonely one winter and ended up having a hot affair with his nearest neighbor (5 miles up the Yukon River), Ol' Trapper Dave's, wife.
Well, the wise old Trapper figured out about the shenanigans, and during the longest night of the year he hatched his plan for revenge.
A few days later, the thermometer stayed at 50 below zero, and the sun only popped out for a few minutes. It was dangerously cold...Jack London cold. Frightenly..frigedly cold! Well, Ol' Trapper Dave figured it was a perfect day to play out his revenge. So, he made up a big batch of "special" Moose Chili, got out his best bottle of rot-gut Whiskey and went over to the handsome bachelors mountain lair for a visit.
Well, a long night ensued and Mr Handsome and the Old Trapper ate Chili and drank Whiskey and told grand stories until the wee hours. The mountain man ate tons of chili- 5 bowls in fact...it was just that good. Finally, the mountain man passed out from all the vittles and libations, so, Ol Trapper Dave, helped him out of his wool shirt and pants and stoked the wood burning stove real hot.
A few hours later, the mountain man woke-up with his stomach wrenching- the "special" chili was kicking it into over drive, and if the mountain man didn't get to the out house quick he was going to ruin his best underroose... so in a running, squeeling, dripping, farting fit he through open the door and bolted for the outhouse without even putting on his coat or cap!
Wise-old Trapper Dave, just giggled as he got off the spare cot and put on his heavy winter coat, mukluks, mitts, and hat. He continued chuckling as he walked over to the outhouse and silently lowered the 2" x 12" board into the hinges he'd prepared on the outside of the outhouse door. Then he quickly started shoveling the fresh snow up against the door. After creating a nice barricade, he then leaned against the door and lit his pipe.
After a couple of more minutes of loud moaning and groaning the handsome mountain man was done....he was worn out, cold, and 5 pounds lighter, but he had to get back inside because he was freezing. So, he buttoned up the Union suit, stood up and pressed against the door. No Luck...it wouldn't budge. He slammed against the door, but still no luck. So, he started yelling. After a few seconds Trapper Dave, yelled back...
"I'm here for ya'. The snow from your roof, fell off the cabin and barricaded you in. Sit down and relax, and I'll find the shovel and dig you out." The mountain man relaxed, and yelled "Hurry, i am freezing" They kept shouting the same thing back and forth for a few more minutes, and the old trapper kept telling the mountain man he was diggin him out as fast as he could.
It doesnt take long for a drunk man in nothing but his long handles, to get hypothermic when its 50 below zero. Soon, the mountain man quit yelling and just sat down shivering. Trapper Dave smoked some more, ate a little jerky and just thought about brighter days. After a few hours, he took down the 2"x12" and the hinges, hopped on his snow machine and headed back to his cabin as the biggest snow fall of the year silently covered his tracks
That spring, the offical autopsy said the Mountain Man had died of exposure, hypothermia and that he had a real high blood-alcohol level. the offical Police report labeled it an accidental suicide/death, and attributed it to Seasonal Affects Disorder, alcoholism and bitterly cold temperatures.
Only Ol' Trapper Dave knew anything different, and he's always kept the secret. But, if you go visit him in the winter, and sit-in his bathroom with no door and read the newspaper clippings on the wall of that dirty little outhouse, it all starts to make sense!
Why else would a man have an outhouse with no door?
