SurvivalDude 2007, episode 2
Camera pans room at Holiday Inn Express, Survival Dude narrates, sotto voce:
"It's been hell friends, I can barely get the bloody a/c working in here and the camera crew pigged out on the lovely fruit basket that management sent up to the room. The remnants of the cheese on the platter have dried out enough that I may be able to fashion some kind of knife or signaling device from the pieces. Paris and Martha engaged in fisticuffs over who gets to use the extra pillow they found in a drawer under the telly. Good job foraging though, ladies!
I'm trying to get some rest and store my energy in this unbearable climate because tomorrow I'm going to find a rusty tin can and kill and eat a badger with the lid, but I can't seem to nod off. Perhaps one of the camera crew will let me pee on his t-shirt and wrap it around my head so I can beat the heat...that's right I said heat...in here. This time I must remember to let the crew member take the bloody shirt off first. Mustn't make that mistake again, they become quite violent!
On the plus side, Martha showed us how to make a lovely place setting for six using only a moose turd and a handful of dried moss. Good show, Martha Stewart! That's the valuable sort of survival skills our viewers have come to rely on. Of course, if you don't have any moose turds or moss available, you can purchase a pre-made setting at www.traxreallyexpensivecrap.com. Stay tuned, viewers...it can only get more exciting. Perhaps I'll leap out the room window and bounce off of the front awning when I leave tomorrow, the French Foreign Legion taught me that one!
