Don't try this at home folks.. [Archive] - Wilderness Survival Forums

View Full Version : Don't try this at home folks..

Arsey

04-02-2009, 01:22 AM

This was sent to me by a friend.
Thought you'd all enjoy it.

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry 's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie . What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL ! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair!!!

PS.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! Think I'll start reading instructions!!

MatthewnOK

04-02-2009, 01:29 AM

We need to verify this! QC department... cmere crash... cmere ken...

crashdive123

04-02-2009, 07:22 AM

We need to verify this! QC department... cmere crash... cmere ken...

I have a couple of these already Mattew. I did a little research, and as luck would have it I have the same model described above. As a proud member of the Quality Control Department I will be happy to test the device and give my report to the rest of the forum. If I start driving now, I should be in Oklahoma tomorrow. Hold still for me - O.K.?

Ken

04-02-2009, 07:41 AM

We need to verify this! QC department... cmere crash... cmere ken...

Too long of a drive for me. Pick me up at the airport, Crash?

crashdive123

04-02-2009, 07:47 AM

No problem. Road Trip! Now Mattew - hold still.

Ken

04-02-2009, 08:11 AM

I'm packing up lots of other stuff that needs testing. Like that porcupine quill toilet paper JasonMontana sent in last year, and the Hagis that just came in yesterday. Bunch of other neat stuff, too....... :sneaky2:

RBB

04-02-2009, 09:19 AM

A couple of points (not sure why I'm bothering) for clarity. This would be a "stun gun" - not a taser. Though tasers have a "drive stun" capacity, they are 50,000 volts, not 100,000. What makes them tasers is the ability to deliver their message at a distance with the use of two small barbs connected to two tiny wires. Used in this way, they not only deliver the "pain compliance" you get in the "drive stun" mode, they lock up your nervous system so you CAN'T move.

The "poop" component of the story is accurate. Of the eight people I've tased in the last four years, two pooped all over. This has been very handy. While some folks - who haven't been tased - are not particularly afraid of it - no one wants to poop in their pants. The news travels around the bars pretty quickly and it has been an effective deterrent.

As to using a stun gun on yourself. I've had to do that in a class. As your muscles do not lock up when using a stun gun - or a taser in the "drive stun" capacity - you can release the trigger or button, and the device turns off. It is fun to watch someone do it to themselves though. The looks on people's faces give some insight as to why they are called "Stun" guns.

I have never allowed myself to be tased. The instructor we had, when they were first issued to us, said it was mandatory. I advised him I've been instructed in the use of a pistol, shotgun, and M-16, and I've never felt it necessary to be shot with one to be aware of the consequence of their use.

Rick

04-02-2009, 09:20 AM

What guy hasn't had something like that in hand, looking it over, with their 7th beer sitting on the table going, "I wonder..." generally followed by, "Hey, ya'll. Watch this."

The second most common scenario would be (still on 7th beer, of course) "Hey, Rover. How you doin', boy? Come'er."

Rick

04-02-2009, 09:27 AM

deliver their message at a distance

Almost poetry. I like that.

no one wants to poop in their pants.

Yeah, well. Some things just happen when you get old. You don't expect to wind up in Minneapolis when you're on the way to St. Louis, either but (shrug).

It is fun to watch someone do it to themselves

That right there is just terribly sick. Educational maybe but fun? You're a sick sick man.

I have never allowed myself to be tased. The instructor we had, when they were first issued to us, said it was mandatory. I advised him I've been instructed in the use of a pistol, shotgun, and M-16, and I've never felt it necessary to be shot with one to be aware of the consequence of their use.

Damn smart but you're still sick.:D

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