Here's One For Ken [Archive] - Wilderness Survival Forums

crashdive123

04-25-2013, 08:47 AM

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******* me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Ken

04-25-2013, 08:52 AM

I love reading this stuff. The strange thing is that it actually happens more than you think, LOL.

Ken

04-25-2013, 09:01 AM

This from a videotaped interview following the arrest in a murder case I tried in the 80's:

Police Officer: "What did you do after you picked up the axe?"

Client: "Gave him 40 whacks."

Sarge47

04-25-2013, 12:18 PM

I don't think this came from a true case, but I like it anyway:

Attorney: "And which direction were you going when you were backing up?

Rooster Cogburn: "Backwards! I always go backwards when I'm backing up!"

From BOTH "True Grit" Films!......:thumbup1:

BENESSE

04-25-2013, 12:28 PM

Thanks y'all, I sure needed a good laugh today!

Wildthang

04-25-2013, 12:52 PM

Did you hear the one about the blind snake and the blind rabbit?

They ran into each other out in the woods, and after getting over being so startled, the snake asked, what are you, and the bunny said well what are you? So the snake said, lets feel of each other and find out what we are, then maybe we can help each other get back home.
So the snake felt of the bunny, and said well, you have big ears, a little button nose, and very soft fur, you must be a bunny!
The bunny said very good, that is what i am. Then the bunny started feeling of the snake. He felt and felt, and finally said, well, you are cold, slimy, and you have no testicles, YOU MUST BE A LAWYER!

Davidlastink

04-25-2013, 03:01 PM

Lulz. FTW great OP, I think I broke my spleen.

greatgoogamooga

04-25-2013, 04:27 PM

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road, and a dead lawyer? skid marks in front of the snake!

Sorry Ken, you're a heck of a guy, but I couldn't resist. Feel free to substitute trombone player in place of lawyer if it makes you feel better.

Goog

hunter63

04-25-2013, 04:39 PM

Pretty funny, ...and I can say that that the stuff you hear as years as a supervisor in a factory for 25 years, ranks right up there.

One poor guy had his grand mother dieing every year, same date, day before deer season......only to pull thru, the poor old girl....for 10 or 12 years.

Or the guy that had to leave work, because girl friend shot a hole in his door when a former boyfriend showed up....and asked him to come home and check.

Spelling was interesting on excuse cards Examples:........diae...daire..dyri......****ts... .. Or...Wife getting pregnant, I think I should be there....
They walk among us....

Ken

04-25-2013, 04:39 PM

What do you call 1,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

crashdive123

04-25-2013, 04:41 PM

Somehow I suspect that Ken has heard more lawyer jokes than the rest of us......combined.

natertot

04-25-2013, 10:40 PM

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
He gets taller!

Why do you bury a lawyer 60 feet underground?
Because deep down, lawyers are pretty good people!

What's the difference between a porcupine and a law school?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside!

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny and no one else realizes they're jokes!

Sorry Ken.....nothing but love for ya!

Ken

04-25-2013, 10:45 PM

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
He gets taller!

2dumb told you that one, didn't he? :sneaky2:

BENESSE

04-25-2013, 11:19 PM

How tall is 2D?
Anyone...anyone?!

Sarge47

04-25-2013, 11:21 PM

How tall is 2D?
Anyone...anyone?!

I don't know how tall he is in feet and inches, but he's a really big guy, I know that!....:creepy:

finallyME

04-26-2013, 10:15 AM

You know, there are good lawyers out there. You shouldn't judge an entire profession on account of a few 100,000 bad apples.

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yellowcab

12-23-2025, 01:25 PM

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yellowcab

03-22-2026, 07:07 PM

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yellowcab

03-22-2026, 07:08 PM

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yellowcab

06-02-2026, 12:34 AM

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06-02-2026, 12:35 AM

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