View Full Version : The Funny Thread
Assassin Pilot
02-20-2008, 07:00 PM
Well, I just came back from my Vermont skiing trip (at Stowe and Smuggs) and I'm in a good mood and I think this forum needs a joke thread.
Just post a joke or something funny so if anyone is having a bad day, they can come here and laugh it off.
I'll start off with a classic:
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Sourdough
02-20-2008, 07:15 PM
I resemble that joke.....
Tony uk
02-20-2008, 07:46 PM
A man walks into a bar, What does he say ?
A: Ouch !!!!!!!
dilligaf2u2
02-20-2008, 09:52 PM
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a *****.
Don
Assassin Pilot
02-21-2008, 11:31 AM
Tony: You can't beat the classics
Don: Nice one, I've never heard that one before
________
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
An astronaut, a pimp, and a proctologist are sitting in a bar.
The bartender walks up and says hey guys there's a tow truck towing a Benz from the lot if its yours.
The Astronaut says: Not mine I drive a red Saturn.
The Pimp laughs and says: Me, I drive a cheap Escort.
They all laugh and the Proctologist says: I got ya all beat, I'm a Proctologist and I drive a brown Probe.
bulrush
02-21-2008, 11:58 AM
"There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't."
Skeleton walks into a bar and says: Gimme a beer and a mop.
AP, that was good, but I can understand why the "cow" kept knocking over the pail if the farmer was milking 'him'
How to get a quick divorce:
Bank robber is leaving the bank and the cops are coming up fast so he grabs two hostages. Runs around the corner pushing them forward with his gun, he asks the first hostage "Did you see me rob the bank?"
Guy says, "well, yeah..."
Robber shoots him, asks the second guy "Did you see me rob the bank?"
Guy says, "No, but my wife did."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Good Lord, that's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Johnny Butterbutt's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Johnny.
Juan Butterbutt (yeah there in every country) comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Assassin Pilot
02-22-2008, 01:14 PM
I see I'm not the only person who has "daily joke" on his homepage (I use iGoogle)
Several hikers are in a shelter on the AT. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the shelter stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you having a good time on the trail?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other hikers in the shelter are looking at him with a mixture of annoyance and astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Yeah gotta get my daily jokes bro,
Assassin Pilot
02-23-2008, 09:49 PM
They help keep my mood up when I check my emails (my friends only email me those annoying chain emails, we use facebook to actually communicate)
Rick: wow, that's gunna keep me laughing for a while now. especially when I hear the phone ring
True story - We were working late one night when the phone rang and a co-worker answered it. The caller thought they had called a pizza place and my co-worker explained they had the wrong number. He hung up and the phone rang again. Same caller, my co-worker again explained they had a wrong number. He hangs up and the phone rings a third time. "What size pizza you want?" he asked.
Another time the phone rang and rang and a coworker finally answered with with,
"What the he** do you want?"
The voice on the other end said, "Do you know who this is?"
My co-worker said, "No and frankly I don't give a da** who it is."
"This is XXX XXXX" who happened to be the Regional Vice President.
"Do you know who this is?" asked my co-worker?
"No," replied the VP.
"Damn good thing," and my co-worker hung up the phone.
crashdive123
02-23-2008, 10:01 PM
Two men are sitting in a boat on the lake, fishing and drinking beer. Suddenly Bill confesses, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in nearly six months." Earl sips his beer. "You'd better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
Pierre Budrow trekked the 20 miles to his neighbors house. When he arrived he could see George was standing in the outhouse.
"Hello," called Pierre.
George turned to give his neighbor a wave as Pierre walked closer. When he got to the outhouse he could see George had his fishing pole and was fishing in the outhouse.
"What on earth on you doing?" asked Pierre.
"I dropped my jacket in the privy and I'm trying to fish it out."
"Oh no. You aren't going to wear now are you?" asked Pierre.
George shot his neighbor a look of disgust. "Well of course not but there's a Snickers in the pocket."
A friend of mine went to the doctor. The doctor looked at his chart and said, "I can't believe you're 95! You're in fantastic shape."
And my friend said, "I'm a backpacker. All that up and down hill hiking keeps me in shape."
And the doctor said, "How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead!?!?"
"Well, how old is he?"
"He's 122."
"And where is he?"
"Out on the trail -- he didn't have a doctor's appointment today, so he though he'd get in 20 miles."
"Wow! How old was your grandfather when he died?"
"Who said my grandfather's dead!?!?"
"Well, how old is he?"
"He's 141."
"And where is he? Out on the trail?"
"No. He had to come into town to get married today."
"Why would a 141-year old man want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to get married.
crashdive123
02-23-2008, 11:37 PM
There was a traveling salesman whose car broke down just in front of this farm house...no wait can't tell that one here.
Suffering from a dad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to get an appointment. When the receptionist informed him of the wait, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, please have your wife call to cancel the appointment."
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw?????
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
A COMMON TATER
Good thing she didn't know about Hitler, or Saddam, or Marcos or Idi Amin, cuz those guys were all Dick Taters.
(tears up pages of jokes, tosses them in the air and walks away).
(tears up pages of jokes, tosses them in the air and walks away).
You started it
Assassin Pilot
02-26-2008, 08:15 PM
I liked the old guy joke Rick. That left me laughing after I got it.
Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995. (That is actually a lie, it never happened but is said for entertainment purposes)
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A mathematician is hiking through the Scottish highlands. One day he meets a shepherd with a large flock of sheep.
"How much for one of your sheep ?" He asks"
They are not for sale" replied the shepherd.
The mathematician ponders on this for a moment then says, "I will tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock without counting them,if I am right I think I would deserve one of your sheep"
The Shepherd said, "OK".
The mathematician says" 387 ".
The shepherd is astounded and tells the mathematician to choose a sheep. The mathematician chooses one then slings it over his shoulder. As he starts to walk away, the shepherd says
"Wait! I will tell you what your profession is. If I'm right you give me the animal back."
"Ok," said the mathematician.
"Your a mathematician said the man.
The mathematician was astounded.
"You're right," He said, "But how did you know?"
"Thats easy," replied the shepherd. "You gave me the precise amount of sheep without counting and then you chose my dog!"
Assassin Pilot
02-26-2008, 10:40 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."
Proud American
02-26-2008, 10:50 PM
A homeless man walks into a bar and asks the Bartender for a drink. The bartender looks at the man and says "look, I don't mean to be rude but it dosen't look like you can pay. And if you can't pay then no drink." The Homeless man then says" your right, I can't pay, but if i show you somthin amazing that you've never seen before can I have a drink?" The bartender thinks about it for a moment and says "sure". So the Homeles man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster and sets it on the bar counter, it then scurries across the counter and leaps on to the near by piano(dont ask me why that is there) and begins to play a lively tune. The Bartender is realy inpressed and says,"That desserves a drink",he then pours him up a drink. A litle while laterr the Homeless Man asks for another. The bartender replies"look you either show me somthin amazing,pay me money or no drink". the Homeless man thinks about it and says"I do have one last thing".He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and sets it on the counter. The frog then begins to sing a beutiful song, after its finished the Bartender says " that desserves another drink" and pours him up another. A buissnes man who has been watchin the whole thing comes up to the homeless man and says, "Ill give you 400$ for the frog". The Homeles man thinks about it for a litle while and agrees. The buisness man quickly counts out 400$ grabs the frog and runs out the door. The Bartender looks at the homeless man and say"You idiot that frogs worth millions". To wich the homeless man replies "the frogs nothin, the hamsters a ventriloquist"
I know a litle long:p
crashdive123
02-26-2008, 11:44 PM
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A guy is standing on a street corner just waiting for a cross signal and this huge Rottweiler comes up and jumps on the guy and starts humping his leg.
The guy yells, "Hey! Quit that!"
The Rottweiler looks up and says "GRRRRRRRR"
The guy says, "well, hurry up then"
Tony uk
02-27-2008, 06:42 PM
What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
nell67
02-27-2008, 06:44 PM
What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
Tony UK???????
nell67
02-27-2008, 06:45 PM
I still think it's Tony.
Tony uk
02-27-2008, 06:46 PM
A river? .....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT, NEVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
yes..............
Tony uk
02-27-2008, 06:47 PM
NEXT ONE RICKY
What question can you never answer
That's the only question I can't answer but I can't answer it because if I did then I would have an answer but I guess I just did so none.
Tony uk
02-27-2008, 06:56 PM
That's the only question I can't answer but I can't answer it because if I did then I would have an answer but I guess I just did so none.
All that, and you still got it wrong, *Evil satisfied grin*
Catfish
02-27-2008, 08:26 PM
Are you sure you asked that right Tony? The version I heard was "What question can you never (truthfully) answer 'Yes' to?"
But if that's not it, then I don't know either. :)
Are you sure you asked that right Tony? The version I heard was "What question can you never (truthfully) answer 'Yes' to?"
But if that's not it, then I don't know either. :)
What can you never (truthfully) answer 'yes' to? If a woman asks, Am I fat? :D
Catfish
02-27-2008, 08:45 PM
What can you never (truthfully) answer 'yes' to? If a woman asks, Am I fat? :D
ROFL! Well technically you can say that, but only once.
Assassin Pilot
02-28-2008, 07:40 AM
this one is a bit long but worth it
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Tony uk
02-28-2008, 12:49 PM
Dont think to hard about this.
What question can no one ever answer
crashdive123
02-28-2008, 04:56 PM
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
Tony uk
02-28-2008, 06:20 PM
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
He must be the guy with the lowest test score
beerrunner13
02-28-2008, 06:47 PM
Dont think to hard about this.
What question can no one ever answer
Are you dead
Tony uk
02-28-2008, 07:29 PM
Are you dead
Close but no
Anyone can answer that, No Im Not Dead...............
Assassin Pilot
02-28-2008, 08:01 PM
Dont think to hard about this.
What question can no one ever answer
how did you die?
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Assassin Pilot
02-28-2008, 10:22 PM
Rick: very smooth
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Assassin Pilot
02-29-2008, 07:36 AM
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
canid
02-29-2008, 10:52 AM
what question can one never answer? is it the one that isn't asked?
what's the difference between a coke head and a tweaker?
Nice one crashdive123, I like it.
Man goes to the doctor, and after a strenous examination the doctor comes in with his clip board and says: I got good news and bad news which one do you want first?"
Mans says the bad news.
Doc says: "Bad news is you got AIDS."
"What!" the man says, "what can be good news after that?"
Doc smiles and says: "Good news is you got Alzheimer's so go home and forget about it."
What's grosser than gross?
A 1000 dead babies in a dumpster.
What's grosser than that? The one on the bottom eating his way to the top!
canid
02-29-2008, 11:20 AM
dead baby jokes, joy.
what else's worse than 1000 dead babies in a dumpster? 1 dead baby in 1000 dumpsters.
how do you know when your baby's dead? the dog plays with it more.
how do you pick a dead baby out of a crowd? with a high powered rifle.
Last Mohican
02-29-2008, 11:40 AM
Little Johnny takes his dog for a walk down by the railroad tracks.
The dog runs across the tracks as a train passes by clipping him in the rear.
Little Johnny frantically picks up his dog and runs home.
His mother asks him how this happened.
Little Johnny recounts his story telling his mother that the train hit his dog in the ***.
His mother gives him a stern look and says, "Now Johnny! We don't use words like that. Instead of using that word, say rectum"
Little Johnny thinks about this for a minute then replies, "Recked him hell, damned near killed him"
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo momma is so fat she got baptized in sea world.
Yo mama so fat she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...
Yo mama so fat small objects orbit her.
Yo mama so fat when she farted she launched herself into orbit.
Yo mama so fat the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.
Yo mama so fat her Uni graduation photo was an aerial.
what question can one never answer? is it the one that isn't asked? that works for me
what's the difference between a coke head and a tweaker?
They'll both steal your money, but a tweaker will help you look for it after.
A worm was crawling over the railroad tracks when a train came whizzing by. The worm almost made it but the train cut off the last portion of the worm. The worm turned around and started back over the tracks and another train came along and cut off its head. The moral? Don't loose your head over a piece of tail.
Hey Rick...this is the funny thread ok? Just for future reference there buddy, just trying to help ya out.
You obviously haven't read some of the others on here.
You obviously haven't read some of the others on here.
I've just come to expect better from you, the quality of your previous work, know what I mean?
canid
02-29-2008, 06:54 PM
President Bush is giving a press confrence when a journalist rises and asks:
'Mr President, what can you say to the reports that 3 Brazilian soldiers where killed in a raid on a suspected al Qaeda stronghold yesterday?'
the President looks up, his stern face becomming somber. a tear wells in his eye and rolls down. 'I had no idea...' he said. 'what have we done?'
the journalist responds 'in this was, over 500 Coalition members and Contractors have been killed, 30,000 Iraqi forces and over 9,000 in Coalition allied Iraqi security forces. why this sudden change of heart?'
the President looks up and says 'look! i know you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, but that's just.... i mean that's... wait, how many is in a Brazilian?'
nell67
02-29-2008, 06:56 PM
ROTFLMAO! And it has nothing to do with the joke itself canid,but rather the typo in it that got me!:eek:
canid
02-29-2008, 06:59 PM
ah yes; teats in President Bush's eye would be a bit funnier.
nell67
02-29-2008, 07:01 PM
Seems president Bush has a little Clintonism going on huh????LOL!
crashdive123
02-29-2008, 07:29 PM
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning
to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked,
"How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to
kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the
exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison
me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and
started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny?
Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
Assassin Pilot
02-29-2008, 07:40 PM
hahahhaaha, nice
how many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
it depends on how hard you throw them
Tony uk
02-29-2008, 07:41 PM
If you have $5 and Chuck Noris has $5 dollars, Chuck Noris has more money than you
Chuck Noris doesnt start fights, He ends them
Chuck Noris doesnt sleep, He waits
Assassin Pilot
02-29-2008, 10:08 PM
If it swims like a duct, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck - but Chuck Norris says it's a dog - then it's a dog
If Shmuck Norris has a boot in his azz... and you don't, then Shmuck Norris.... lol... can't even finish this... lol... you guys are frig'n nuts... lol....
crashdive123
02-29-2008, 11:07 PM
Careful now. Don't want to make Chuck mad.
http://www.daffydoodles.com/Chuck_Norris.jpg
Catfish
02-29-2008, 11:31 PM
Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question :
You are participating in a r ace. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<
Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person then you take his place. You are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator . Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 ... Now add 30 . Add another 1000. Now add 20 Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100 .
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe..
Fourth Question :
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.
canid
02-29-2008, 11:42 PM
spamn-it the addition one actually got me.
Tony uk
03-01-2008, 01:15 PM
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Catfish
03-01-2008, 04:01 PM
See, I have a tough time viewing Chuck Norris as a tough guy. Oh yes, he could kick my *** I'm sure, but then most people could, so that's not saying much. I've only suffered through a couple of his movies and "Walker Texas Ranger" is pure comedy so I don't claim to know him very well. But to me he just seems like someone playing the part of a tough guy. And not particularly well at that. I mean just look at him! The dweeby haircut and precious little beard...I've seen tougher looking computer programmers.
I also didn't think there was anything "cool" about The Fonz, remember John Wayne's legendary swagger as being rather effeminate, and could never see Jerry Seinfeld as the babe magnet he like to portray himself as in his sit-com.
Maybe it's just me. :cool:
crashdive123
03-01-2008, 05:51 PM
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
mbarnatl
03-01-2008, 11:07 PM
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.
mbarnatl
03-01-2008, 11:18 PM
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
Two male hikers were undressing in the shelter. One noticed the other was wearing panty hose.
“Why are you wearing those?!”
“Because they keep my legs warm.”
“Wow, I never would have thought of that. How long have you been using them?”
“Since my wife found them in my backpack.”
Two best friends decide to take a camping trip for a week in the mountains. After three days, they want to kill each other.
So, Bob says, "Why don't we split up for the day. You go up to the north and I'll go down to the south." Al agrees it's a good idea to split up.
After the day is over they meet back at the campfire to discuss the days events. Al goes first. "I had a beautiful day, Bob. I walked to the to top of the hill, found a pond and decided to sunbath there for the day. I saw a deer and it's baby drink out of the pond, a bear and it's cub playing in the grass. It was beautiful. How was your day?"
"Well, AL, it was sort of the same. I walked down to the bottom of the mountain and followed these train tracks when all of a sudden I found a gorgeous woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, gently picked her up and we made passionate love all day long."
All excited now, Al asks "Was she a Blonde?"
"I don't know.....I couldn't find her head!!!"
Tony uk
03-02-2008, 10:50 AM
What did Rick say when he walked into a bar ?
Tony uk
03-02-2008, 12:42 PM
Ouch! @&%* it!
Very dissapointed in you rick, Walking into a public place and shouting that, Tut Tut *Shakes head*
crashdive123
03-02-2008, 02:24 PM
Two best friends decide to take a camping trip for a week in the mountains. After three days, they want to kill each other.
So, Bob says, "Why don't we split up for the day. You go up to the north and I'll go down to the south." Al agrees it's a good idea to split up.
After the day is over they meet back at the campfire to discuss the days events. Al goes first. "I had a beautiful day, Bob. I walked to the to top of the hill, found a pond and decided to sunbath there for the day. I saw a deer and it's baby drink out of the pond, a bear and it's cub playing in the grass. It was beautiful. How was your day?"
"Well, AL, it was sort of the same. I walked down to the bottom of the mountain and followed these train tracks when all of a sudden I found a gorgeous woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, gently picked her up and we made passionate love all day long."
All excited now, Al asks "Was she a Blonde?"
"I don't know.....I couldn't find her head!!!"
Sick. Very sick. I like it.:D
crashdive123
03-02-2008, 02:43 PM
Working With The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Tony uk
03-02-2008, 02:48 PM
Working With The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
FBI, Rubbish you need the CIA for that job
Assassin Pilot
03-02-2008, 04:56 PM
hahahahaha, I've heard a version of that and this one is even better.
The one I heard was:
a guy is in jail, and knowing that they would monitor his calls, he tells his wife "honey, don't start a garden in the front lawn yet. I still have all the weed hidden in there." So police go and dig up his front lawn. The next day he calls and says "ok, now you can plant the garden"
Tony - If I walked into a bar, it would hurt.
Tony uk
03-02-2008, 08:38 PM
Tony - If I walked into a bar, it would hurt.
Hmmmm, Strange, Normaly when people walk into a bar they go up to the counter and order drinks
canid
03-02-2008, 09:28 PM
except when chuck norris walks into a bar; the bar hurts.
Assassin Pilot
03-02-2008, 09:50 PM
Some of the old guys on here could prob relate to this:
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Tony - There is a difference between walking INTO a bar and walking INSIDE a bar. Get it? Walking INTO a bar would hurt. Smack! (tap) (tap) Is this thing on?
Tony uk
03-04-2008, 01:01 PM
Tony - There is a difference between walking INTO a bar and walking INSIDE a bar. Get it? Walking INTO a bar would hurt. Smack! (tap) (tap) Is this thing on?
The audience left a long time ago Rick.
canid
03-04-2008, 02:14 PM
and they unplugged your mic on the way out..
Yo momma so fat...
She makes walking staffs out of California redwoods.
She uses a Mountain Hardware Space Station as an umbrella on rainy days.
When hiking in a group she is the trail breaker and the straggler...at the same time.
When she's out, bears wear bells.
She's got her own Range (with various crevasses, gullies, valleys... runoffs... )...
...and a 500 page guide dedicated to it...
Tony uk
03-04-2008, 02:56 PM
Your mommas so old she taught jesus in the 3rd grade
A lonely hiker sees a sign that says "Talking Dog for Sale". so he walks up to the house and sees a farmer sitting on the porch. The hiker says (rather incredulously) "So you really have a talking dog for sale?" The farmer never looks up but just says "Yah, he's out back." So the hiker walks around the house and sees this dog sitting out back. He walks up to the dog and says "So, I hear that you talk."
The dog says "Oh yeah, I can talk."
The hiker is blown away, he cannot believe that a dog can talk that. So he says "This is incredible I have been pretty lonely out on the trail and it would be great to have someone to talk to. Tell me have you ever done any hiking?"
The dog says "Oh yeah, I did the Appalachian Trail a couple years ago. It was pretty cool. Me and my owner ate free most nights because most any restaurant will give free food to the owner of a talking dog. I was also out in Yellowstone a few years back and was able to save my owner when he broke his ankle by going for help. I can read a map and compass too. My favorite place to hike is in city parks though. I mean chicks really dig a talking dog, and a guy your age could probably derive some benefit from that."
The hiker says "This is incredible, you wait here I'm going to go see the farmer out front and buy you." So he runs out front and says to the farmer "How much for the dog?" and the farmer says "10 bucks take him away." the hiker says "You've gotta be kidding! Ten bucks for a dog like that?" The farmer says "The dogs a liar, he never did any of that stuff."
Two Irishmen decide to go on a mountain climbing holiday. They get all the gear together and start the climb. About half way up Sean says to Paddy
"Geez Paddy,hold on,let's stop for a bit,I'm done in,and I've got a thirst ya could photograph"
"Alright then" says Sean,"let's knock off for the day,and go into town for a pint...we'll climb the other half tomorrow!"
Tony uk
03-04-2008, 03:05 PM
Two Irishmen decide to go on a mountain climbing holiday. They get all the gear together and start the climb. About half way up Sean says to Paddy
"Geez Paddy,hold on,let's stop for a bit,I'm done in,and I've got a thirst ya could photograph"
"Alright then" says Sean,"let's knock off for the day,and go into town for a pint...we'll climb the other half tomorrow!"
Ahhhhh the irish, Magical People indeed !
Aurelius95
03-04-2008, 03:47 PM
Seamus and Paddy are playin' golf on the coast of Galway, just admirin' the view. Paddy states that he wants to be buried out here on the golf course, right by the coast. "That would be perfect", he says, "except for me Jamieson's whiskey". "Seamus", says Paddy, "when I die, will you pour a bottle of Jamieson's over my grave?".
Seamus says, "Sure thing, Paddy, but do you mind if I run it through me kidneys first?".
A man pays $15,000 to climb Mt. Everest and finally makes it to base camp 1. There, the lead Sherpa explains that the story of Big Foot is real. That if he should appear in their camp at night then the man should run as hard as he can but he should not touch the Big Foot.
As luck would have it, that very night the man awoke to a strange rustling sound and looked up to find Big Foot standing in the door of his tent. He was so frightened that he jumped up and and ran out the door pushing the Big Foot out of the way in the process. Off down the mountain he ran finally realizing he had touched the Big Foot. He looked back over his shoulder and sure enough the Big Foot was chasing him.
Down the mountain they ran, across an ice cold stream they ran, down a mountain trail to a lake where the man dove in with Big Foot right behind him. Across the lake he swam to a village on the far side where he stole a bicycle and began peddling down a dirt path. He looked back and Big Foot was right behind him. His bike struck a root in the path and flipped the man onto the ground on his back. Tears were streaming down his face because of the terror as Big Foot crept closer and closer. The giant man ape slowly reached out and touched him with a finger.
"Tag, your it!"
crashdive123
03-04-2008, 07:05 PM
Saw that coming from the start......had to read it......don't know why.....don't know why.
hillbilly1987
03-04-2008, 07:07 PM
A man pays $15,000 to climb Mt. Everest and finally makes it to base camp 1. There, the lead Sherpa explains that the story of Big Foot is real. That if he should appear in their camp at night then the man should run as hard as he can but he should not touch the Big Foot.
As luck would have it, that very night the man awoke to a strange rustling sound and looked up to find Big Foot standing in the door of his tent. He was so frightened that he jumped up and and ran out the door pushing the Big Foot out of the way in the process. Off down the mountain he ran finally realizing he had touched the Big Foot. He looked back over his shoulder and sure enough the Big Foot was chasing him.
Down the mountain they ran, across an ice cold stream they ran, down a mountain trail to a lake where the man dove in with Big Foot right behind him. Across the lake he swam to a village on the far side where he stole a bicycle and began peddling down a dirt path. He looked back and Big Foot was right behind him. His bike struck a root in the path and flipped the man onto the ground on his back. Tears were streaming down his face because of the terror as Big Foot crept closer and closer. The giant man ape slowly reached out and touched him with a finger.
"Tag, your it!"
oh my god rick that was funny
mbarnatl
03-04-2008, 07:25 PM
Why Fishing is Better Than Sex
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
Tony uk
03-04-2008, 07:38 PM
Why Fishing is Better Than Sex
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
HA!
Very Nice One :D
hillbilly1987
03-04-2008, 07:41 PM
oh man i dont know any joks on hand to name any. that really sucks!!!!
mbarnatl
03-04-2008, 07:42 PM
A Scoutmaster is teaching his Scouts about wilderness survival. “What are the three most important things to bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?” he asks.
The Scouts mention many important things, such as water and matches. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raises his hand.
“Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?” asks the Scoutmaster.
“A compass, food and a deck of cards.”
“Why’s that, Timmy?” the Scoutmaster inquires.
“The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to sustain you during the rescue.”
“And what about the deck of cards?” asks the Scoutmaster.
“Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, ‘Put that red nine on that black 10!’”
Tony uk
03-04-2008, 07:49 PM
Adult Guidence Is Advised
.................................................. .................................................. ..................
An old man aged 90 gets married to a young girl aged 20 and goes to his doctor for viagra. The doctor says ''sorry but giving a man aged 90 viagra can be dangerous''. The old man pleads and begs for viagra, after a while the doctor gives in and states though it can only be taken under strict guide lines and only for five days. The doctor says take ''half a dose ,skip a day, half a dose skip a day until the fifth day''. The old man does this for the five days, when his wife rings the doctor and says ''he's dead''. The doctor said ''I knew if I gave him viagra it would kill him'', his wife said ,''no it wasn't the viagra that killed him ,it was all that dammed skipping'.
.................................................. .................................................. ..................
A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"
crashdive123
03-04-2008, 07:52 PM
How to install an affordable home security system...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 Work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door:
"Hey Bubba - Big Mike and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the Pit bulls. Better wait outside.
They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad.
I locked all four of them in the house."
My buddy calls the other day and says "hey man, it must be true what they say about after awhile people and their dogs start to look alike."
"Why's that?" I ask.
"This morning, my neighbor called me and yelled at about my dog s***tin' on his lawn."
You'll have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello but if their "Who's On First" routine was done today it might go something like this....
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer And I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer
ABBOTT:Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
crashdive123
03-05-2008, 09:08 PM
Two men were wandering around in the woods
and began to get thirsty. They finally found
a well and wanted to get some water but
wanted to see how far down the water was and
decided to throw a rock. The couldnt find any
small rocks but found a boulder that they
decided to throw it in. Right after they
threw it in they saw a goat run and jump into
the well. After seeing the goat jump in they
decided not to drink water from that well and
went to find another. Before leaving the well
a farmer came by and asked them if they had
a goat. They said "Yeah your stupid goat
jumped into this well." The farmer replies
"Thats funny because my goat was tied to a
boulder!?"
Assassin Pilot
03-05-2008, 10:07 PM
All these jokes from this page so far are hilarious. Unfortunately, right now I don't have any to contribute :(
Assassin Pilot
03-06-2008, 07:26 AM
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a wh**ehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Aurelius95
03-06-2008, 10:04 AM
Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
I've actually heard the punchline like this, "I'm actually the campaign manager for (insert your favorite like to hate politician - George Bush, Hilary Clinton, etc.) but how can you explain that to a kid?".
Proud American
03-06-2008, 10:32 PM
More Chuck Norris Jokes
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
Proud American
03-06-2008, 10:37 PM
Chuck Norris's favorite Chuck Norris Jokes
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For All your Chuck Norris Neads here is the best site
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
bulrush
03-07-2008, 09:32 AM
Why did the blonde return the box of M&M's to the store?
Because they all said "W".
A blind man walks into a bar. "Hey, anyone want to hear a good blond joke?"
The bartender says, "Before you start, I'd like to let you know that I'm 6 foot 140 pounds. I'm a body builder, I'm female and I'm blond. There are two female body builders sitting behind you. Both are also black belts in karate. Our bouncer is a female, 6'2", 260 and can rip the NY phone book in half with her hands. Now, you want to tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a minute then says, "No. Not if I have to explain it four times."
crashdive123
03-07-2008, 07:28 PM
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'
Assassin Pilot
03-08-2008, 11:30 AM
(might be offensive)
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
crashdive123
03-08-2008, 11:41 AM
Nope - not offensive - not funny, but not offensive.
Assassin Pilot
03-08-2008, 04:32 PM
Well then, maybe I just have a sick sense of humor because I have a cold or something right now.
farquhar
03-09-2008, 03:00 AM
well, this isn't really a joke, but if you want to giggle uncontrollably, check this out. http://www.flash-fun.com/html/funniest_laugh.php
Alpine_Sapper
03-09-2008, 03:23 AM
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
You may be a Taliban if ...
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
crashdive123
03-09-2008, 07:51 PM
Speaking of Taliban.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
bulrush
03-10-2008, 02:27 PM
Rick,
re: Taliban jokes,
Few people will realize how many of those items are actually based on fact.
:)
crashdive123
03-10-2008, 11:19 PM
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly witch he’s runnin’ around with.”
Assassin Pilot
03-11-2008, 06:53 AM
Nice ones Rick and Crash
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I scr*wed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
Aurelius95
03-11-2008, 07:28 AM
Chuck Norris's favorite Chuck Norris Jokes
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
I think my personal favorite is:
In his spare time, Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, and by "knit", I mean "kick", and in "sweaters", I mean "babies".
By the way, Happy 68th B-day to Chuck yesterday.
Aurelius95
03-11-2008, 07:39 AM
A lady brings her miniature schnauzer to vet, complaining that it doesn't come when she calls it. The vet assures her that the dog's ears are fine, but it just has a build up of hair in his ears, making it difficult to hear. He then explains that she should apply some Nair (hair removal) in its ears, and things should clear up nicely.
The lady goes to the pharmacist and says, "I need some Nair, please."
The pharmacist says to the woman, "If you apply this to your legs, don't ride a bicycle for a few days."
She says, "I'm not putting it on my legs."
The pharmacist replies, "In that case, if you're putting it on your underarms, don't use any deodorant."
She says, "I'm not putting it under my arms."
He asks, "Well, what do you need it for?"
She replies, "I'm putting it on my schnauzer".
"Oh, in that case, then no underwear."
Assassin Pilot
03-12-2008, 08:47 PM
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Assassin Pilot
03-18-2008, 03:14 PM
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
crashdive123
03-18-2008, 08:47 PM
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
Assassin Pilot
03-20-2008, 03:15 PM
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
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12-16-2025, 10:19 PM
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yellowcab
03-15-2026, 07:48 PM
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Niki (http://heavydutymetalcutting.ru/t/1181955)Sela (http://jacketedwall.ru/t/605814)Jewe (http://japanesecedar.ru/t/608049)руко (http://jibtypecrane.ru/t/672216)just (http://jobabandonment.ru/t/636215)Arom (http://jobstress.ru/t/630965)Шепе (http://jogformation.ru/t/672281)Vogu (http://jointcapsule.ru/t/1142379)SieL (http://jointsealingmaterial.ru/t/1147266)GLem (http://journallubricator.ru/t/920225)VIII (http://juicecatcher.ru/t/919725)Volu (http://junctionofchannels.ru/t/1179836)кноп (http://justiciablehomicide.ru/t/1181310)Соде (http://juxtapositiontwin.ru/t/1044867)Krup (http://kaposidisease.ru/t/1028190)
Феде (http://keepagoodoffing.ru/t/834634)Zone (http://keepsmthinhand.ru/t/611418)окош (http://kentishglory.ru/t/1182566)Modo (http://kerbweight.ru/t/1026503)Rusi (http://kerrrotation.ru/t/608139)3210 (http://keymanassurance.ru/t/610469)Pali (http://keyserum.ru/t/1180368)Sand (http://kickplate.ru/t/781834)Rich (http://killthefattedcalf.ru/t/1002581)work (http://kilowattsecond.ru/t/673248)Dani (http://kingweakfish.ru/t/773752)Прок (http://kinozones.ru/film/7146)Джон (http://kleinbottle.ru/t/672331)Полу (http://kneejoint.ru/t/677573)Rafe (http://knifesethouse.ru/t/1073700)
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yellowcab
03-15-2026, 07:49 PM
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Will (http://readingmagnifier.ru/shop/513593)Srik (http://rearchain.ru/shop/641599)Цыбу (http://recessioncone.ru/shop/564260)Pete (http://recordedassignment.ru/shop/916548)подд (http://rectifiersubstation.ru/shop/1054253)Крав (http://redemptionvalue.ru/shop/1062939)Коло (http://reducingflange.ru/shop/1680266)Фаде (http://referenceantigen.ru/shop/1693450)Миха (http://regeneratedprotein.ru/shop/1760727)Кырг (http://reinvestmentplan.ru/shop/1217610)псих (http://safedrilling.ru/shop/1816736)Гущи (http://sagprofile.ru/shop/1055241)Alas (http://salestypelease.ru/shop/1323386)Вели (http://samplinginterval.ru/shop/1856615)осво (http://satellitehydrology.ru/shop/1468343)
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yellowcab
05-26-2026, 06:40 AM
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yellowcab
05-26-2026, 06:42 AM
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