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Thread: Can you beat this one?

  1. #1

    Default Can you beat this one?

    So I hang out on a mountain biking forum. It's pretty active, with members from all round the world and there are literally hundreds of threads on every topic under the sun - many of them not related to mountain biking.

    Recently, some twit started a thread asking for recommendations on which knife to buy (sound familiar?) . His scenario was that he regularly rode his bike through a sketchy neighborhood and some of the "shady looking characters" had been "looking at him funny." So he wanted a knife in order to defend himself and his bike should they get too close. He also told us that he had to ride his bike through the neighborhood because he wasn't old enough to drive.

    Fortunately, most of the responses were along the lines of "Don't even think about buying a knife" and "If you really believe you're in danger, stop riding through that neighborhood" or "Please learn the legal implications of what you're proposing".

    But, before too long, the Rambo types showed up and began posting pictures of the "Survival Knife" they carry "everywhere they go." You can guess the type of thing they were talking about. Hollow handles, saw blade edges, "Lest we forget" 9/11 tributes engraved on the blade, that sort of thing.

    There were also lots of war stories, mostly beginning with something like "I was once at a convenience store in a really bad neighborhood at 3 in the morning and these illegal immigrant types were ahead of me in line. They just bought coffee and left but I sure am glad I had my Bowie knife in my backpack..."

    But my favorite was the guy who bragged that he carried a Swiss Army Knife everywhere he goes. No problem there, I carry one myself but get this: The clown was firmly convinced that by having a Swiss Army Knife in his saddlebag, he was now fully protected from everything. Bears, mountain lions, street thugs, the lot. He actually claimed "No matter what my environment, I have no fear because I'm fully prepared to defend myself and my property."

    Yep, I'm sure a mountain lion, bear or biker gang will think twice before bothering a lycra-clad yuppie once they see him brandishing a nail file.

    So...can anyone top that one?
    Life is too short to hurry through.
    ~ Kenny Salwey


  2. #2
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    I don't know about topping it but the wife and I were out hiking this afternoon looking for some paw paw trees when we passed another couple. The guy had on a pair of shorts and strapped to his right leg was a knife that ran from his ankle to his knee! Yeah, hollow handle, round silver knob on top. I thought it was cute. It sort of looked like a leg brace, which could give you a leg up (oh, what a pun!) on the enemy.

    As for the Swiss Army Knife. Yeah, I feel the same way. Haven't you ever heard the story of the lion with a thorn in his paw? Always be prepared! Tweezers could save your life!
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  3. #3

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    The plastic toothpick could give someone a nasty poke in the eye. A well timed attack with the scissors might be a devastating assault on overgrown nose hairs of an opponent. Never doubt the mighty defensive and offensive powers of an SAK.
    "Squirrels are just rats with better PR." -- Anonymous

  4. #4
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    And what is that mountain lion going to do with no whiskers? Huh? Go home whimpering, that's what!
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

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    Live bait. sobeit's Avatar
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    I know a guy who once killed a bear with a swiss army knife. It chocked on the knife but the guy didn't make it.

  6. #6
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    I assume the knife was still in the guy's pocket when the bear choked on it, right?
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

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    Live bait. sobeit's Avatar
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    I thank so

  8. #8

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    You can also give an attacking bear or mountain lion a brutal poodle cut and make it the laughingstock of the forest. Within a few days it will die of embarrassment.
    "Squirrels are just rats with better PR." -- Anonymous

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    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Now that there is funny I don't care who you are. God bless them little pygmies down in New Zealand!
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  10. #10
    Live bait. sobeit's Avatar
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    just don't lose your drivers license while doing so it may track you down and give you one.

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    Coming through klkak's Avatar
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    When the first Rambo movie came out I thought I'd like to have a copy of the knife for my collection. So I wrote a letter to the knife maker and ordered one. Several months later it arrived in the mail. I told my neighbor about it and how much it cost. He laughed and said I got ripped off. He had bought one for only $20 or something like that. I sent him to get his knife and I went and got mine. He came out with one of those knives that used to be advertised on the back of magazines, 5" blade with bottle opener and golf ball sized pommel with a compass. I said "Wow, interesting knife" then I showed him my hand made copy of the original. He still insisted that his was the real thing cause it was black and mine wasn't even though I told him I asked that it be left shinney......, "some peoples children"!
    1. If it's in your kit and you don't know how to use it....It's useless.
    2. If you can't reach your kit when you need it....Its useless.

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  12. #12

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    We have all met them. The guys that think they have the right stuff.

    One such bit of fluff I ran into showed off his latest and greatest toy to a group of Rambo want to be's. He was saying he was ready for everything. I asked him if he would bet on my being able to take his knife from him? Of course her was. Without a bit of warning I dropped down into a crouch and straight armed him where it would do me the most good. I picked up his knife off the ground where it lay next to him and thanked him for the knife!

    I think it shocked those want to be's, listening to him run off at the mouth, more then it did him! Then again he was busy holding onto his family jewels and crying, to pay much attention.

    Don
    No one knows more about a task then the person that does it, Practice makes perfect!

  13. #13
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Let's see, what lessons were learned there?

    1. Never bet a man at his own game. Check
    2. Never take your eyes off your opponent. Check
    3. Never under estimate and old (older) man. Check
    4. Listen much, speak seldom. Check
    5. Wear a cup when you're around Don. Check
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  14. #14
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    I've always wanted to see the knife fight where the guy whips out his Swiss Army knife and yells "hah!" and finds himself brandishing a soup spoon in front of his opponent. Imagine being the guy with the actual knife...(eyes pop open) Oh my God! He's going to Eat me..." That oughta scare him off.
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

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    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Uh, Trax....

    Quote Originally Posted by trax View Post
    I've always wanted to see the knife fight where the guy whips out his Swiss Army knife and yells "hah!" and finds himself brandishing a soup spoon in front of his opponent. Imagine being the guy with the actual knife...(eyes pop open) Oh my God! He's going to Eat me..." That oughta scare him off.
    Real Swiss Army Knives don't have "soup spoons", but how about the magnifying glass? you could threaten to set the dude on fire. "Now, hold really, really still for about an hour, Ok?"

    I really did kill a bear with my Swiss Army Knife! (BS alert!) A huge Kodiak bear once came charging at me. I whipped out "l'il Susie" (my name for my knife.) & waved it in the air, yelling at the top of my lungs in my best "Sly Stallone" voice from the "Rocky" movies: "You ain't so bad!" The bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood up on his hind legs and began laughing. He laughed so hard he was holding his stomach with his fore paws & tears were running down his face. Finally he fell to the ground laughing until he died. Ever since then all of the other bears steer clear of me. I've heard them whispering to each other that no one had made any of them laugh that hard except the one human who showed up in a "Twinkie" suit....
    SARGE
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    Coming through klkak's Avatar
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    Default

    Trax, I just blew coffee out my nose on that one...lol
    1. If it's in your kit and you don't know how to use it....It's useless.
    2. If you can't reach your kit when you need it....Its useless.

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    Tell them Kevin sent you!!

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    Tracker Beo's Avatar
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    Default

    WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! I can beat it....

    Adrian: This October my friend and I are going to walk in the Northern Manitoba Wilderness with nothing but what we are wearing and a knife. We will not be bringing any lighter, food, or supplies. Neither of us know a lot about wild foods. I would love some suggestions for food seeing as 30 days is a long time to eat the same thing. By the way we will be posting video of our experiences every day so everyone can watch us while we are there. Our website is www.*************.com Thanks for any information you can give me.

    See told ya I could beat it
    There is no greater solitude than that of the Tracker in the forest, unless perhaps it's that of the wolf in the wilderness.

  18. #18
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Oh crap!

    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf65 View Post
    WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! I can beat it....

    Adrian: This October my friend and I are going to walk in the Northern Manitoba Wilderness with nothing but what we are wearing and a knife. We will not be bringing any lighter, food, or supplies. Neither of us know a lot about wild foods. I would love some suggestions for food seeing as 30 days is a long time to eat the same thing. By the way we will be posting video of our experiences every day so everyone can watch us while we are there. Our website is www.*************.com Thanks for any information you can give me.

    See told ya I could beat it
    I concede! I concede! That beat mine hands down as mine was total BS; Adrian's post was serious. You win Beo!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
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  19. #19
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Rambo Knives!

    (this came from the banner ad at the top of the page.) Who wants the "Real Deal" on a Rambo Knife? Check this out:

    http://www.mastercutlery.com/rambo/?...FQS7sgodBFGxfw
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

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    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by trax View Post
    I've always wanted to see the knife fight where the guy whips out his Swiss Army knife and yells "hah!" and finds himself brandishing a soup spoon in front of his opponent. Imagine being the guy with the actual knife...(eyes pop open) Oh my God! He's going to Eat me..." That oughta scare him off.
    Too funny. If you're gonna pull a soup spoon out though, make sure your opponent doesn't have one of these.

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