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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1941

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    A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.


  2. #1942
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    (snort, chuckle). Someone is looking up double entendre at this very moment.

  3. #1943
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    (snort, chuckle). Someone is looking up double entendre at this very moment.
    LOL....Yeah, me.....

    dou·ble en·ten·dre


    /ˌdo͞obl änˈtändrə,ˌdəbl änˈtändrə/


    noun

    noun: double entendre; plural noun: double entendres
    a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent.

    synonyms: ambiguity, double meaning, innuendo, play on words
    "much of the comedy is derived from racy double entendres"

    •humor using double entendres.

    https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q...tendre+meaning

    Is it still funny if I have to look it up?........or is the Yoke on me?
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  4. #1944

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    A guy walks up to a lady walking her dog and says, "Dang! That is one ugly pig!"

    The lady replies, "That is not a pig! That is my dog!"

    Guy says, "I was talking to the dog."

  5. #1945
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    ......That's when the fight started.....LOL
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
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    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
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  6. #1946
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool And now....

    1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
    I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels
    and let the problem work itself out.
    2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
    3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.
    4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
    5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
    6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
    7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
    8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
    9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
    10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.....
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

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    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
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  7. #1947
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Customer Service With a Smile.



    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
    For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
    A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
    Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:
    "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
    The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:
    "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
    "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
    "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
    If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F#%& you!"
    Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."....
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  8. #1948
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool A bagpiper's tale....

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
    Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
    They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
    Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing....
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  9. #1949

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    A blond walks into a library and says to the woman behind the counter, "I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke!" The Library says, "Miss ,this is a library!" The blond leans in and whispers, "Ohhhh sorry, I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke."

  10. #1950
    Senior Member Wise Old Owl's Avatar
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    The absolute power of the whisper. Men melt.
    “There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag … We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language … and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”

    Theodore Roosevelt 1907

  11. #1951
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    All bubble wrap has been banned at the Washington D.C. Navy Yard.
    Just put it in the trash gently, do not squeeze or pop or the building will be on national news in 10 minutes. OMG Folks are way jumpy.

  12. #1952
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    Cool Hey Kemo Sabe....

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
    "You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." ...
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  13. #1953
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Default Perspective.....

    A woman hurried to the pharmacy to get medication , she
    got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
    The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
    She looked at it and said,
    "I don't know how to use this."
    She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP .
    Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up,
    Driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
    She said:
    "Yes, my daughter is sick.
    I've locked my keys in my car.
    I must get home.
    Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

    He said, "Sure."
    He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute
    The car was open.
    She hugged the man and through tears said,
    "Thank You, God,
    For sending me such a very nice man."
    The man heard her little prayer and replied,
    "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
    I just got out of prison yesterday;
    I was in prison for car theft."

    The woman hugged the man again, sobbing ,
    "Oh, thank you, God!
    You even sent me a Professional!"
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
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  14. #1954
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    An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

    He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
    it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

    He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

    Holding the bucket up he said,
    'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

    Some old men can still think fast.
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  15. #1955
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Two old guys were sitting at the fountain in the mall waiting for their wives to finish shopping.

    1st Old Guy: "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep."
    2nd Old Guy: "Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times."

  16. #1956
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Rick, was that you in the mall?...Well, I'll be.
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  17. #1957
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Book search.

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    So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."

    I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
    As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
    I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
    The clerk said, "F@‪#‎k‬ off, get out and stay out!"
    I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"...



    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  18. #1958
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  19. #1959
    Senior Member WalkingTree's Avatar
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    A rooster, hen, and squirrel walk into a saloon.

    The rooster hops up onto the bar, and hollers out a "cock-a-doodle-doooo!"

    The hen mutters, just loud enough to be heard, "any C- will do."

    The squirrel twitches his busy tail, in deep thought for a moment, and muses to himself "now, where did I hide my nuts anyway?"
    The pessimist complains about the wind;
    The optimist expects it to change;
    The realist adjusts the sails.

    - William Arthur Ward

  20. #1960
    Senior Member Wise Old Owl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    Two old guys were sitting at the fountain in the mall waiting for their wives to finish shopping.

    1st Old Guy: "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep."
    2nd Old Guy: "Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times."

    Horribly wrong on both sides..... just saying... maybe a sphincter
    involved
    “There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag … We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language … and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”

    Theodore Roosevelt 1907

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