Joke of the day.

[crashdive123]

My wife accused me of being immature.


I told her to get out of my fort.

[kyratshooter]

I had the exact same thing happen once!

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attractio...ty_Tennes.html

[Rick]

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[crashdive123]

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.


Then they call me poor and ugly.

[crashdive123]

Pinocchio, Snow White & Superman


Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering," said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

" First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.

[Rick]

Buhahahahaha!

[Sarge47]

Get A Second Opinion
The doctor said, "Paul, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
"Paul was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Paul laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Paul tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Paul admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Paul thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Paul and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Paul was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Paul tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Paul walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Paul thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Paul's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Paul laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..."

[Sarge47]

Breaking some eggs.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."....

[hunter63]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

SERIOUSLY?!!!

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

And finally...ya gotta love this one.

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

--

[Eastree]

A man is in a plane accident, and washes up on a deserted island. He is the only human survivor, and washes up with a shepherd dog and a sheep. After a few months, he's watching the sun set with the two animals, and he's getting some urges after so much loneliness. He puts his arm around the sheep, and the shepherd dog starts growling, protective as it is by instinct. "So much for that," thinks the man.

Some time later, another plane crashes. Lo and behold, Hilliary Clinton is the lone survivor, and washes ashore on his island. They're all watching a beautiful sunset together, and the man is getting urges. He thinks this is finally his moment. He leans over to Hilliary and says, "Uh, hey ... You uh ... you wanna go uh ... wanna go take the dog for a walk?"

[hunter63]

Dress Code
Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should
present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for
those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway .
. . you'll be there.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker


And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A hong and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop

[Rick]

I hate this. First, my grand kids tell me my comb over, mutton chop sideburns and mood ring have to go. Now number 14 shows up. This is starting to get serious.

[2dumb2kwit]

This may cheer you up, Rick.

Any peanut butter can be crunchy peanut butter, if you put your pills in it.

[2dumb2kwit]

My wife accused me of being immature.


I told her to get out of my fort.

Hahaha......I've been warning my neighbor, that one day I'm going to build a fort next to my fire-pit, in the back yard. Hahaha.

(Heck....I may even build my fort around the fire-pit.)

[Sarge47]

NEVER SATISFIED.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."....

[hunter63]

Now THAT is funny....I don't care who you are.....
Bytch, bytch, bytch.......

[hunter63]

This may cheer you up, Rick.

Any peanut butter can be crunchy peanut butter, if you put your pills in it.

Bhohahahah, ......y'all are on FIRE!

[Sarge47]

The Navy Master Chief noticed a new sailor among his crew. So he yelled at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“Tim,” the new sailor replied.
“Now look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that in turn leads to a breakdown in authority. And I will not have my authority compromised. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Miller, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief.’ Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Aye, Aye, Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name sailor?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is Tim Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, Tim, here’s what I want you to do ….” replied the Chief.....

[Sarge47]

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."...

[Sarge47]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
.....on the couch....
....naked....