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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1881
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool A lotta bull!

    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
    The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
    "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"...
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
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  2. #1882

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    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  3. #1883

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    A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bar tender says, I'll serve you. But, don't you go starting anything.

  4. #1884
    Junior Member Tokwan's Avatar
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    heheheheheheheheheheheheheheeee.
    I'm a Gramp who is not computer savvy, give me a slab and the rock ages tablet..I will do fine!

  5. #1885
    Senior Member BENESSE's Avatar
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    Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
    I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
    Those are my rules. Any comments?'

    His new bride said:
    'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

  6. #1886
    Senior Member BENESSE's Avatar
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    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece to paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

  7. #1887
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Elephant Payback!

    This elephant and alligator were good friends in the jungle...
    They are walking along a trail when the elephant spies this turtle sunning itself on a log.
    The elephant stops and stares at the turtle for the longest time, then rushes over to it, snatches it off the log with its trunk and throws it up into a near by tree.

    The alligator just watches this and when it is over with, says to the elephant, "What was that all about?"
    The elephant replies, "That is the same turtle that bit my trunk and made it bleed so badly, 45 years ago!"
    The alligator goes, "Wow!! You remember that one incident from so long ago!"
    The elephant replies, "Oh, Yes, I have turtle recall!!"
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  8. #1888
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A wise person once said:

    1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never stop to realize that some of the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

    2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

    3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

    AND . . .

    4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

  9. #1889
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy.

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  10. #1890
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    ............and anywhere is in walking distance....given enough time.
    Stephen Wright
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
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  11. #1891
    Alaska, The Madness! 1stimestar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy.

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    Lol tried to rep you for that.
    Why do I live in Alaska? Because I can.

    Alaska, the Madness! Bloggity Stories of the North Country

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  12. #1892
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy.

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    This is probably the origins of the phrase...."It is better to give than to receive".
    Can't Means Won't

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  13. #1893
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    A group of former school mates, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts, and wore short-shorts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the old school buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the old school mates again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

  14. #1894
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A little kid was sitting on the curb shaking a bottle of liquid and watching the air bubbles slowly rise. A priest came along, saw what the little boy was doing and stopped to question him.

    "What ya got there son," asked the priest.

    The little boy eyed the priest and held up the bottle for inspection. "This here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

    The priest chuckled at the little boys naivety. "Son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you sprinkle a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant woman's tummy she'll pass a baby boy."

    "Shoot, that ain't nuthin," replied the boy. "You sprinkle a couple of drops of turpentine on a cat's butt it'll pass a motorcycle."

    (No cats were harmed in the retelling of this joke)

  15. #1895
    Senior Member MrFixIt's Avatar
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    I used to manage a full service gas station/country store. Here is one that I would tell...

    A feral cat would get into the dumpster every night, strew trash all over the lot. We had to clean up every morning after this thing.
    One day I decided I would lure the rascal in with a can of tuna. Over the course of several days, I would set out a can and the cat would come. After a few days I was able to get closer and closer, then finally caught him in a feed bag.
    Took him over to one of the gas pumps, took the nozzle and squeezed some gas onto his butt. Let the cat outta the bag and he tore around the fuel island. I swear I saw sparks coming from his claws!
    Then all of a sudden, the cat stops and lies down.
    At this point the enraptured customer would ask, "Did the cat die?!"
    I would reply, "Naw, he just ran outta gas..."
    When all else fails, read the directions, and beware the Chihuahuacabra!

  16. #1896
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

    Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

    She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

    She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of B*** S***."

    You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

  17. #1897
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Default Amish Elevator

    Might have heard this one.............


    A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
    were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
    shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
    again.


    The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
    seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
    in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
    walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
    closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
    light up sequentially.


    They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then
    the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
    out.


    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
    son.....

    'Go get your Mother'
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
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    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  18. #1898
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A rare look inside a can of whoop-***.

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  19. #1899
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    Cool....But that ain't no Joke.....
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  20. #1900
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
    relationship with their husband.
    The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
    All the women raised their hands.
    Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
    Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to
    their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
    The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another
    person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in
    response.

    Below are some replies; some are hilarious.
    If you have been married for quite a while ... a sign of true love ... who else
    would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
    1. Who the hell is this?
    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
    4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
    5. I don't understand what you mean?
    6. What the heck did you do now?
    7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
    8. Am I dreaming?
    9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone
    will die.
    10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
    11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?


    ..........10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. .....Bhohahahahaha
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

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