Joke of the day.

[Gary O]

Might be a little too edgy for here.
strike it if you must
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[Sarge47]

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to belittle me
about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow
I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well
the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief !
Going through menopause
is bad enough without being
a murder suspect !
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.
Well, gotta go.
I have to write to
the Hefty bag people.

[hunter63]

A man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money, but he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog, a hamster and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog and the frog started playing a fantastic jazz solo. Then the hamster started singing along in an amazing duet. Impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.
Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man and offered him $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man instantly agreed to the deal.
The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender couldn't keep quiet anymore and exclaimed, "I can't believe you sold a singing hamster for only $1,000!"
The man shrugged and said, "The frog is a ventriloquist."

[hunter63]

An elderly couple, had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Batch]

A blonde called tech support.

The tech told her that in order to help he would need her password.

She told him, "mickeyminneydonalddaisyhueydewyluisygoofytallahas see".

The tech guy asked her what was up with the long password. She replied that when she set up the account. She was told her password had to contain at least 8 characters with at least on capital.

[Tokwan]

The Chinese in Malaysia, have this practice of offering the deceased, or the spirits of their passed on ancestors or loved ones fake money, or items such as houses or cars or whatever they feel the deceased needed in the after life. These items are made of paper usually and the offerings would be burnt.
The following conversation was overheard at a shop that specializes in making these items.

Shopowner: Hey, why don't you buy an iphone for your late grandfather?

Grieving grandson: Oh ok..that is a good idea, how much one? But I doubt if my grandad would know how to use one!

Shopowner: RM5.00 only..but don't worry, Steve Jobs is also there, he can teach your grandad how to use one..but you should buy the iphone cover so your grandad can protect the phone..

Grieving grandson: Okay..how much?

Shopowner: RM2.00 only..how about charger? It would make it easier for your grandad to charge the phone and not only rely on the gracious powers of our deity.

Grieving grandson: Do I need to? Oh okay, guess I should get a complete kit. By the way..can I have your business name card too?

Shopowner: Huh, my business name card? What for?

Grieving grandson: I need it so that I can burn it and offer to my grandad..then for any warranty issues, my grandad can call you directly to claim, should he need to do so.

[Awanita]

As most of you know I turned the big FIVE TWO this year on my birthday and I have had a few months now to look back on it and you know, I like a lot of others over the years have many things to be thankful for in my life. This being Native American Heritage month along with the Thanksgiving holiday brings out a time to be thankful in one’s life and I am. I am thankful that my mother taught me her heritage for me to continue it, I am also thankful for my dad’s heritage and family name it is one that holds honor in the history and making of this country as well.

With this festive time of year I decided to go out and celebrate last weekend and we all have been lucky over the years or well some of us have, get out and had to much to drink and drove home and made it safely with out hurting ourselves, someone else or getting pulled over by the police, yes I have been guilty of that. As I grow older I think about those times and so this past weekend I decided if I got out and had to much to drink I would just take a taxi. Well the ole Scottish, Englishman Cherokee did get out and got to drinking a little to much so I locked my car up and took a taxi, boy I’m I glad I did about a mile from my home town they had a road block, they were stopping cars left and right but when they saw the taxi the just waved me through and I went to the house. You know that was the first time I ever drove a taxi it was fun but I can’t remember where I got it from.

[Awanita]

Have you ever heard the saying it 's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Well it may work on some women but not my woman. I learned very early in our relationship to always run thing by momma. Because if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

Most of you know that I have a few friends that I hang out with down here from time to time. Well Richard called me and said "Knowlton let's get Keith, Joe and Glenn and take a trip to Blytheville(Arkansas) to the Drift Inn and have some drinks." Well I told him I would have to run it by the little lady and get back with him.

When I went home from work, I stopped off and got pizza and a bunch of flowers. I ain't no dummy, guys when your wanting to go out without the woman, you better butter both sides. Of course she asked what the occasion was and I told just because she was the sexiest woman I had ever known and she deserved flowers and not have to cook that night. Of course she didn't buy any of it and said "Knowlton don't screw with me, what's up?" She's pretty plan spoken. I told her that I would like to go out one Friday night just with the boys and go drink some beers. I told her that we would even get a D. D. (always be responsible when drinking) After much thought she said well alright but honey please don't stay out all night. I assured her that I would be home at 12 midnight.

I called Richard back and told him to go ahead and contact the other guys and to find a D.D. and that I promised the little woman I would be home at 12 midnight. He was kinda disappointed at my time limit but we hadn't been out for awhile so we grabbed what we could.lol That Friday night arrived and at around 7:30 The boys pulled up in the front yard....Heck it was like we were all back in high school. High 5's and "waz up man" I could see the look in my woman's eyes she didn't say but I could tell she was thinking " This going to be worse than being run over by a freaking truck. I can see it now, I'll get a call from dip sh!T to come bail the dumb butts out of jail." I looked at her and said "baby it's going to be alright we're going to be good. Just us good ole boys out having fun." Then I kissed her, told her I loved and then I said the famous last words "I will be home at midnight.

We got to the Drift Inn around 8:15 and Bobbie was our D.D. we bought him cokes all night long. Richard bought the first round, then I bought around of shots. Joe got the next round and Glenn bought the shots. At 9:00 low and behold the club broke out the Karaokee so hell we all signed up. Keith decide we should do one of the oak ridge boys songs......Elvira....shoot, I told him to buy another round first.....If I was singing with them, I didn't want to know about it....lol

Well the night went on and the beer and whiskey was flowing good that night until Bobbie said Knowlton you do know it is after 2AM....Oh heck!!!!! boys we got to go!!!!!! It looked like a keystone cops movie trying to get our drunken a$$es in the car but we did. I told Bobbie to floor it, I would pay the ticket, I had to get home. I was thinking this might be a dry month for ole Knowlton after this caper. I tell Bobbie to turn the lights off a block away from the house and throw in neutral just before the drive way....hmmmm no lights on, that was a good sign. I ask Bobbie the time and he told me 2:55 ShooT. I told the rest of the drunks in the car to keep quiet.

I get out and they leave. I fall in the front yard and bust my butt trying to get my cowboy boots off....There I got it, pick myself and grab my bearings and head for the door. I find my keys and slowly open the door. I get home at 3AM exactly, how do I know? The damn cuckoo clock on the wall started. I am thinking if she hears those 3 cuckoo's and I am not in bed my a$$ is grass. So even in my drunken stupor my thinking was keen, all I had to do was give 9 more cuckoo's and if she woke up she would think it is only twelve. I waited till the third cuckoo and then I imitated the heck of that dang bird. I gave off 9 of the best cuckoo calls, then crawled into bed. Damn I'm one smart son of a gun.

Get up that morning and the little woman is sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper. She said "Good Morning dear. Did you have a good time last night and how are you feeling?" I thought oh heck here it comes. I replied " oh baby we had a great time, the guys were a little bummed that I had to be home by 12 but they will get over it." (smart thinking on my part)

She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."

She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.

[crashdive123]

As most of you know I turned the big FIVE TWO this year on my birthday and I have had a few months now to look back on it and you know, I like a lot of others over the years have many things to be thankful for in my life. This being Native American Heritage month along with the Thanksgiving holiday brings out a time to be thankful in one’s life and I am. I am thankful that my mother taught me her heritage for me to continue it, I am also thankful for my dad’s heritage and family name it is one that holds honor in the history and making of this country as well.

With this festive time of year I decided to go out and celebrate last weekend and we all have been lucky over the years or well some of us have, get out and had to much to drink and drove home and made it safely with out hurting ourselves, someone else or getting pulled over by the police, yes I have been guilty of that. As I grow older I think about those times and so this past weekend I decided if I got out and had to much to drink I would just take a taxi. Well the ole Scottish, Englishman Cherokee did get out and got to drinking a little to much so I locked my car up and took a taxi, boy I’m I glad I did about a mile from my home town they had a road block, they were stopping cars left and right but when they saw the taxi the just waved me through and I went to the house. You know that was the first time I ever drove a taxi it was fun but I can’t remember where I got it from.

Just be glad this guy wasn't driving your taxi.

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[crashdive123]

Have you ever heard the saying it 's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Well it may work on some women but not my woman. I learned very early in our relationship to always run thing by momma. Because if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

Most of you know that I have a few friends that I hang out with down here from time to time. Well Richard called me and said "Knowlton let's get Keith, Joe and Glenn and take a trip to Blytheville(Arkansas) to the Drift Inn and have some drinks." Well I told him I would have to run it by the little lady and get back with him.

When I went home from work, I stopped off and got pizza and a bunch of flowers. I ain't no dummy, guys when your wanting to go out without the woman, you better butter both sides. Of course she asked what the occasion was and I told just because she was the sexiest woman I had ever known and she deserved flowers and not have to cook that night. Of course she didn't buy any of it and said "Knowlton don't screw with me, what's up?" She's pretty plan spoken. I told her that I would like to go out one Friday night just with the boys and go drink some beers. I told her that we would even get a D. D. (always be responsible when drinking) After much thought she said well alright but honey please don't stay out all night. I assured her that I would be home at 12 midnight.

I called Richard back and told him to go ahead and contact the other guys and to find a D.D. and that I promised the little woman I would be home at 12 midnight. He was kinda disappointed at my time limit but we hadn't been out for awhile so we grabbed what we could.lol That Friday night arrived and at around 7:30 The boys pulled up in the front yard....Heck it was like we were all back in high school. High 5's and "waz up man" I could see the look in my woman's eyes she didn't say but I could tell she was thinking " This going to be worse than being run over by a freaking truck. I can see it now, I'll get a call from dip sh!T to come bail the dumb butts out of jail." I looked at her and said "baby it's going to be alright we're going to be good. Just us good ole boys out having fun." Then I kissed her, told her I loved and then I said the famous last words "I will be home at midnight.

We got to the Drift Inn around 8:15 and Bobbie was our D.D. we bought him cokes all night long. Richard bought the first round, then I bought around of shots. Joe got the next round and Glenn bought the shots. At 9:00 low and behold the club broke out the Karaokee so hell we all signed up. Keith decide we should do one of the oak ridge boys songs......Elvira....shoot, I told him to buy another round first.....If I was singing with them, I didn't want to know about it....lol

Well the night went on and the beer and whiskey was flowing good that night until Bobbie said Knowlton you do know it is after 2AM....Oh heck!!!!! boys we got to go!!!!!! It looked like a keystone cops movie trying to get our drunken a$$es in the car but we did. I told Bobbie to floor it, I would pay the ticket, I had to get home. I was thinking this might be a dry month for ole Knowlton after this caper. I tell Bobbie to turn the lights off a block away from the house and throw in neutral just before the drive way....hmmmm no lights on, that was a good sign. I ask Bobbie the time and he told me 2:55 ShooT. I told the rest of the drunks in the car to keep quiet.

I get out and they leave. I fall in the front yard and bust my butt trying to get my cowboy boots off....There I got it, pick myself and grab my bearings and head for the door. I find my keys and slowly open the door. I get home at 3AM exactly, how do I know? The damn cuckoo clock on the wall started. I am thinking if she hears those 3 cuckoo's and I am not in bed my a$$ is grass. So even in my drunken stupor my thinking was keen, all I had to do was give 9 more cuckoo's and if she woke up she would think it is only twelve. I waited till the third cuckoo and then I imitated the heck of that dang bird. I gave off 9 of the best cuckoo calls, then crawled into bed. Damn I'm one smart son of a gun.

Get up that morning and the little woman is sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper. She said "Good Morning dear. Did you have a good time last night and how are you feeling?" I thought oh heck here it comes. I replied " oh baby we had a great time, the guys were a little bummed that I had to be home by 12 but they will get over it." (smart thinking on my part)

She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."

She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.

Now that right there is funny. I don't care who you are.

[MrFixIt]

She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."

She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.

HAHAHA!!! Love it!

[Awanita]

I cleaned most of the sware words up. When I do it live its alittle different. lol

[hunter63]

True story......This morning...

Was waiting for my truck at the hospital valet parking after therapy this morning.....
Lady was in a wheel chair that was being attended by another worker lady.

Lady in the chair was waving franticly to a car pared in the circle........No response.
Waved some more and finally the car pulls up.....Lady says, "Hey that not my car.... Oop's.

Guy say well OK and started to pull away....She pipes up and says, "If my ride isn't here in 5 min....can you give me a ride?
He says no, he was waiting on some one.....

Couple of minutes later her ride shows up, she gets in and leaves....The worker lady say to me, "Can you believe that?...She really wanted a ride."

I said, "Yeah,...I wouldn't have given her a ride either....I would get home, DW would ask me who she was and why she was here.....
And I would have to tell her....

"I don't know who or why, but they are giving away old ladies at the Hospital this morning......., but this one is crabby, ....I gonna take her back".

[Awanita]

Ok here is the reason I got fired
What a hell of a week. First of all I had to work 12 hour shifts till we hired someone to cover a 3rd shift. That was alright because it gave me overtime and that makes the paychecks look good. This is not what led up to me getting fired, here is what happened.

I got nominated to be on the planning committee for our company picnic. Everything was going well, we actually got the company to allow consumption of alcohol at the picnic on company grounds. We thought that we had accomplished a great change but the management came back with some very strict conditions. First it had to be supplied by the company it could not be brought on company grounds by the employees and secondly the employees were only allowed to have ONE drink, ONE F'n drink. I knew that was not going to set well with the employees that like to have a few mixed drinks or beers. We went ahead and put the rules in the flyers as we passed them out we figured it was better than nothing.

I was put in charge of eating utensils, paper plate products, napkins and plastic cups for the BBQ that was going to be catered in.....So here is what led up to me being fired at the company picnic.......I bought the plastic cups for the one drink I am including a photo which will explain a little further. Give me a break a guy can make a mistake can't he.

Big cups.jpgThe Reason I got fired!!! I bought the plastic cups for the Alcohol drinks for the company picnic. Geeeesss!!!

[crashdive123]

Hmmmmmmmmm. I'm detecting a theme here.

[Tokwan]

That's aplastic pail!

[crashdive123]

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London’s Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Millipede said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

[Rick]

Something about that report just doesn't add up.

[hunter63]

Something about that report just doesn't add up.

I don't know, I have 11 finger/thumbs.....1,2,3,4 5,.......10,9,8,7,6.... 6+5=11

[Awanita]

Could I be responsible

I always try to do the right thing by my fellow man, neighbor or even strangers. Whenever I see someone in need, if I am able I am always willing to lend a helping hand. I found out sometime back that being a good Samaritan doesn't always pay in the end. I found this out a few months back.

My Band "Cherokee Rose" had a one night gig at an Eagles club about 100 miles from where we lived. I called the drummer and asked if he wanted to go over early that Saturday morning with me and set the sound system and instruments up for the show. He said yes he would go with me then we could spend the day checking out some pawn shops and kick back for a few beers before doing the show that night.

The Bass player, the steel guitar player, and my other lead guitar player planned to ride over together later that day. I play fiddle, guitar and do most of the lead singing. The drummer came over early that Saturday morning and off we go. We make it to the Eagle club and it was a cool rainy morning so we parked under the awning to unload the equipment, we get everything set up and do a sound check all sounded good. I told Jimmy my drummer I was going to move the van to the parking lot and he said he would order us a beer, it was close to 11:30 and I am sure 12 o'clock somewhere.

At the bar was myself, Jimmy and the barmaid whom we were well acquainted with because we have played there several years off and on and one other guy at the end of the bar he was slumped over the bar. She was a sweetie, she bought our first round and we sat and talked for awhile. Then we got up to go to the pawn shops. As we got up to leave the barmaid asked if Jimmy and I would give the guy at the end of the bar a ride home. She said he had been there since 7am. I thought, well it is raining outside and it looked like he was in no condition to drive so Jimmy and I said sure no problem.

We go over to the guy and tell him we are going to give him a ride over to his house. He smiled and slurd something that kinda sounded like thank you. I set him up on the bar stool and as I started to get him to stand he did a face dive. What the heck, so I told Jimmy to get under one arm and we would help him to my van. We get to the door and it is raining moderate and I tell him where we are parked and we get him stable and Bam (WTF) he goes down again. I look at Jimmy and said looks like this may turn into a full time baby sitting session. We pick him up and go running through the rain to my van. I tell him he is going to have to stand on his own while I unlock the door so he can get in. He slurs the word no. I said listen man we are trying to help you, come on help us out here Just stand here a second and we will get you in the van. Well I let go and reach in my pocket for my keys, somebuck if he didn't fall again.

We are all water logged by now but we get him into the middle set of seats, then we get in the front seat and I turn around and ask him what his address, he was almost passed out by this time and slurring so badly I though well sh!t. I get back out open the side door in the pouring down rain and go through the guys back pocket for his wallet. Thank god there wasn't a policeman around he would have thought we were mugging the poor guy, little blood on his face and me going through his pockets.

Ah found an address so I get him seat belted into the van and off we go to his address, he was slurring and pointing to the right then he would point straight ahead. I guess he was trying to give us directions, which I thought feller in your condition you couldn't find your a** with both hands. We pull up to his house and I asked if he could make from here, he shook his head no and slurred something that sounded like "you son of b***h" . I thought you ungrateful butthead, but trying to do the right thing Jimmy and I get out and try to get him to his house in the pouring rain. He takes two more dives to the ground before we can get him to the door.

Finally here we are all three standing at the door Jimmy on one side, me on the other and the ungrateful drunk in the middle. I ring the doorbell and about 30 seconds later this beautiful woman answers the door. I told her that we had brought her husband home from the Eagles club, she smiled and said "Thank you two sweet men for bringing my husband home, but where is his wheel chair.">>>>>>OMG!!! Am I responsible if they can't find his wheelchair.

Satire--------- Disclaimer: No individuals, drunks or handicapped persons were hurt in the telling of this satire story.