Joke of the day.

[BENESSE]

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

[tsitenha]

Hey I resemble that remark.....finally someone appreciates me

Thank you, Thank you kindly

[Beo]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop!" Hahaha

[crashdive123]

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

[nell67]

The customer reviews are hilarious! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...eatsoluti0a-20

[crashdive123]

I'm sure Amazon is thrilled.

[Rick]

"I'm a covertarian. I just eat egg shells, animal hides, nut shells, corn husks, wheat chaf, brown rice hulls, and other coverings. The fresh whole bunny would be a waste since, at least according to one review, it doesn't come with the hide."

The next time some proudly proclaims they are vegan (like I give a whoop) this is going to be my retort. This is simply brilliant.

[Rick]

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguistics in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. His response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are "complete." If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished." And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished."

[nell67]

“I’ll come to your place when SHTF” – no you won’t

by GLEN TATE on OCTOBER 22, 2013

(This post is something you can send to your friends or print out and hand to them when SHTF.)
Dear Friend:
I love my friends, but I will shoot you if I have to. I’m serious. Here’s why.
I tried to persuade you to prepare for what’s coming and, in the process, revealed that to you that I’m preparing. You realized that I have food, guns, etc., and ended up saying, half kidding but half serious, “I’ll come to your place when SHTF.”
No you won’t. I will shoot you. If you threaten me and my family, I will use force to defend against any threat. And showing up at my place hungry and unprepared is a threat to me. You will eat my food and use up my medical supplies, generator, firewood, etc. That’s less of these life-saving things for me and my family. That’s a threat.
Is this greed on my part? No. I will take care of the truly needy – those who cannot take care of themselves. But you are different. Very different. You had plenty of chances to prepare for yourself.
But what did you do? You spent the weekends watching football, went on expensive vacations, and never made your spouse mad at you with your “crazy” ideas that something bad was happening. You didn’t do **** because… you would just come to my place. Problem solved, right? You didn’t need to spend time, money, and create domestic strife because I did that all for you.
Not. Why should I spend my time, money, and stress just so you can waltz into my place and live happily ever after? I’m a nice guy, but – really? – I’m going to spend my (very limited) free time, disposable income, and domestic tranquility just so you can have a leisurely life and more material comforts pre-Collapse while I don’t?
Why do you think I will sacrifice enormous amounts of my time and money so you can enjoy yourself while I’m slaving away? Would you assume you could come over and leave your broken car at my house? That I would just spend thousands of dollars on parts and several weekends fixing it and then hand it over to you with a smile – just because I’m a “good guy”? Would anyone expect that?
You do, apparently. You actually expect to waltz over to my cabin and receive – with a smile – thousands of dollars of food and other supplies that took me all my weekends to acquire and store.
So, my grasshopper friend (as in the story of the grasshopper and the ant), here is your official warning: if your “plan” for your and your family’s safety is to come to my place, you’re wrong. When you show up, I’ll ask you to leave. When you don’t, I’ll point a gun in your face. If you refuse to leave, I will shoot you. You are a threat to me.
You had years of time and very clear warnings to get ready. But you didn’t. Hey, I love football but haven’t been able to watch a game in a few years; I’ve been fixing up the cabin, buying supplies, and training with the Team. I spent a lot of money doing all these things so I haven’t gone on a long vacation in… forever. I have had several difficult times with my wife because of all the prepping I’m doing; I could have easily done what you did, which is just say “Yes, dear” and not prepare because she didn’t want you to.
I hope this message jolted you. There’s still some time. Go prep. Please understand that your plan cannot be “I’ll come to your place.” I don’t want to shoot you.
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[hunter63]

....and that, my friends is No Joke.

[hunter63]

Guy finds an old lamp.......and of course he rubs it and a Genie appears.
Genie says, " I will grant you three wishes.....but remember your ex-wife will get double of what ever you wish for.

So the guy agrees and says," I want a mansion...poof he gets a mansion, DXW gets two...
Second wish, "I want a million dollars".....poof he gets a million dollars....DXW gets two...

After thinking long and hard for his third wish.......he says, "I want you to scare me half to death"


Thank you Kathy Lee Gifford.

[hunter63]

Why does this seem to ring so true.......
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[Wildthang]

Anybody want to hear a dirty Joke?



































Rick fell into a mud hole

[Ken]

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[Rick]

I don't get it. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. I didn't even have shoes to walk through that snow!!

[Ken]

I don't get it. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. I didn't even have shoes to walk through that snow!!

I guess I was lucky. I had boots. See?

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[hunter63]

Yeah, well ....I had to go home for lunch......

[crashdive123]

You got lunch?

I had to make the walk to do my chores.

[hunter63]

You had chores?......we were too poor, had to borrow chores, then bring them back when we were done.

[Sarge47]

When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!....