Joke of the day.

[crashdive123]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.

I’m sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned you down.”

[mh89]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.

I’m sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned you down.”

LOL!!!! Hilarious

I've been trying to create a new version of the child's game "operation". So far the best name I have come up with is "operation: the obama care edition" lol

[Rick]

If that's the case just place a drawing of a human on the game board with no way to treat it's injuries and force people to purchase it at an inflated price. You'll pretty much have it.

[finallyME]

At the end of a long line for train tickets were a random woman and a random man. When they got to the ticket counter the salesman said that there were only two sleepers left on the train and that they were in the same room. He could sell them the tickets but they would have to sleep in the same room. They each agreed and bought a ticket.

The man graciously offered to sleep in the top bunk and, as it was already late, they each climbed into they're beds.

After a couple of minutes the man said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you mind handing me a blanket from the closet?"

The woman replied. "I tell you what, how about just for tonight we pretend to be husband and wife?"

The man got excited and said, "That sounds great."

The woman then said..., "Great, get your own damn blanket."

So the man, disappointed, rolled over, farted, and went to sleep.

[finallyME]

The cops came to my door and told me my dog was chasing a kid down the street on a bike. I told them my dog doesn't have a bike and went back inside.

[finallyME]

So, these four guys had, for years, taken a weeklong backpacking trip every year. This year, Fred had some bad news for his buddies: "My wife says 20 years of these trips is long enough, and that if I waste another week of vacation on one this year, we're finished. So, I guess I won't be going."

The other three were disappointed, to say the least, but went on the trip without Fred. When they arrived at the trailhead, there was Fred, pack on his back and poles in his hand!

"What happened? How come you're here?" they asked.

"Well," said Fred, "my wife was reading Fifty Shades of Gray. One night, she pulled me into the bedroom and pointed to some ropes and handcuffs on the bed. She told me to tie her to the bed, so I did. The she told me to do whatever I wanted."

"And here I am!"

[finallyME]

There was an engineering student walking through the quad and seeing his fellow engineering student on a bike. He asks, "where did you get that bike." His friend reply's, "I was walking along and this cheerleader rides up to me, throws down the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

"Good choice," his friend reply's, "I doubt the clothes would have fit you."

[finallyME]

I went out the other night and did something I seldom do. I had a few drinks too many. Then I did something I never did before. I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a DWI checkpoint. Since I was in a cab they waved me through. I didn't know they did that.

The problem is, now I have a yellow cab in my garage and I can't remember where I left my car.

[finallyME]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Ken]

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[Rick]

Three tomatoes were walking down the street. Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and little baby tomato.

Baby tomato kept falling farther and farther behind. Finally, daddy tomato stopped, walked back to baby tomato raised one foot and squished him.

"Ketchup!"

[Ken]

Don't come out of retirement.

[Rick]

Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.

[hunter63]

Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.

Now THAT was the finest obscure reference I have ever heard of or seen.....Bravo!

[Sarge47]

Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.

Now Ken you should know that Rick only steals from the best!...

[Ken]

It's a darn good thing that we don't get charged for the humor around here.

[Rick]

Well, based on the humor the price of admission would be very low. That's a good thing, right? Of course, right now it's free. Just sayin'......

[BENESSE]

A man owned a small farm in Kansas.
The Kansas Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

” Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $700.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500.00 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $100.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to — the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

[1stimestar]

A woman places an ad in the paper.

HUSBAND WANTED:...
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

[BENESSE]

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.