Joke of the day.

[Cast-Iron]

An observation appropriately credited to country music entertainer Willie Nelson. (I've tried to sanitize this a bit for a general audience)

"What's the difference between an IRS agent and a prostitute? The prostitute will stop screwing you after you're dead!"

[finallyME]

Never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Wisconsin , a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:
1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.....
And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin

Now that is funny.

[Ken]

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[ElevenBravo]

A Texas Ranger attends a party to which he was invited.

A liberal group go up to the Ranger and a lady ask "Are you expecting trouble, Ranger? You have your side arm!"

He says "Well no, if I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shot gun."

The lady, set aback by the reply but not to be out done ask "Well, why on earth would you carry a 45 anyway?"

He tells her, "Well lady, because they dont make a 46!"

[crashdive123]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one" replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled "Rose... what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Ken]

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[Sarge47]

Ken Mellow was shooting pool in a bar with To dumb, when John Kerry came onto the TV. Suddenly Ken stopped what he was doing and stared at the set. Then He started cursing up a blue streak! "That dirty %$#@& owes me $20!" Ken said.

2D stopped and just looked at Ken, "You know Senator Kerry personally?" He asked, I don't believe it!"

"Yeah, I know him, and he still owes me $20 for the lunch we had last month!"

2D's mouth dropped open! There's no way you could possibly know that guy personally!" He said, "And I got a hundred bucks that says so!" Ken just smiled and put down his pool cue and said: "He's flying into the the airport just about now, lets go down and greet him!" So they got into Ken's Gnome mobile and went down to the airport and sure enough, John Kerry was just getting off of the plane. Then he saw Ken and froze.

"Hey Senator!" Ken hollered, "You got the 20 bucks you owe me?" The Senator stopped dead in his tracks and then smiled. "Ken Mello! You old ambulance chaser you! How ya doin?"

"I'd be doing a lot better if you just paid me what you owe me!" Ken replied. Still smiling, Senator Kerry reached into his wallet and pulled out a twenty. "Sure counselor, here ya are; I wouldn''t want to have this winding up in small claims court!" So then Ken and 2D got back into Ken's Gome mobile and headed back to the bar.....(to be continued.)....

[Sarge47]

Ken and 2D had just got back to the bar when Sam, the bartender called them over to the bar. "Didya hear? President Obama just arrived at his hotel downtown, he's handing out medals to the cops what brought that 2nd bomber in alive!"

Ken turned livid! "Yeah, and him and I even went to collage together, and now he's crapping all over the Constitution!"

2D turned and glared at Ken. "No way!" he sputtered, "I know you don't know President Obama personally!"

Ken looked at 2D. "Yes I do, I don't like him, but I know him!" He responded.

"Okay," 2D said, "I'll bet you another $100, double or nothing!" Ken just smiled and said, "Okay 2 D, to the car!" 2D shook his head and said: "No way am I getting back into that tiny thing, this time we're taking my SUV!" Ken shrugged and off they went!

The got to the hotel just as President Obama was coming out. He took one look at Ken and motioned for his Secret Service agents to surround him. "Protect me boys, that's Ken Mello! Self declared defender of the Constitution and 2nd Amendment for the United States!"

Ken's responses are deleted here in accordance with WSF guidelines regaging political discussions on this site! However, this time 2D forked over $200 to Ken. "Could be worse," 2D said, "It could have been the Pope!"

Ken just smiled. "No Way!" 2D exclaimed!" Not the pope! You can't possibly know him!"

"You want to bet a thousand on it?" I got two complimentary plane tickets round trip to Rome!" 2D, living up to his name and not learning anything said: "Your on!"...(to be continued.)....

[Sarge47]

Ken and 2D arrived in Rome and headed over to the Catholic building, home of the Pope. Ken said to 2D: "Look, I can go in there but you can't, would you agree that I know him if we come out on the balcony together?' With a sinking feeling in his gut, 2D just nodded. A few minutes later Ken and the Pope appeared on the balcony together, arm in arm!.

2D just looked down at the ground; "Sheesh! Does he know everybody on the planet?" He asked himself. Just then a guy standing next to him nudged him. 2D looked at him and asked: "What?"

"Who's that strange guy up there on the balcony?" the stranger asked."

"That's my friend from Massachusetts, a lawyer by the name of Ken Mello." 2D replied.

"Not Ken, I know him, who's the guy he's with?" the fellow asked. 2D's responses have to be deleted in accordance with the "PG13" requirement.

About that time the Pope turned to Ken and said: "God wants to talk to you for a minute."

Ken just looked at the Pope and said: "Tell Him to make an appointment like everybody else!"....

[Ken]

Sarge? Did you change my last post? I can't remember what I posted, but it wasn't a picture of Mr. Rogers. Hmmmmm.

[Sarge47]

Sarge? Did you change my last post? I can't remember what I posted, but it wasn't a picture of Mr. Rogers. Hmmmmm.

Not me, besides, who's mr. Rodgers? Isn't he dead?....

[Rick]

I ran across this ditty today. I remember it as a school yard yarn we used to spin as a kid. Perhaps some of you remember it too. It brought back some memories.

"One fine day in the middle of the night"

1. One fine day in the middle of the night,
2. Two dead boys got up to fight,
3. Back to back they faced each other,
4. Drew their swords and shot each other,
5. One was blind and the other couldn't see
6. So they chose a dummy for a referee.
7. A blind man went to see fair play,
8. A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
9. A paralysed donkey passing by,
10. Kicked the blind man in the eye,
11. Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
12. Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
13. A deaf policeman heard the noise,
14. And came to arrest the two dead boys,
15. If you don't believe this story’s true,
16. Ask the blind man he saw it too!

[Ken]

Rick? Why did 2dumb kick the blind guy in the eye?

[Sarge47]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?....

[crashdive123]

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! To reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter.

When the captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 20 million are already there!"

[crashdive123]

When was the last time you called to order pizza?

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[Rick]

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
The NSA is watching you today.
They are making a list,
They're checking it twice,
They already know who's naughty or nice.
The NSA is watching you today.
They see you when you're sleeping,
They know when you're awake.
They know if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
You better watch out, You better not cry
You better not pout, I'm Telling you why.
The NSA is watching you today.

[Sarge47]

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

See…….Not All Seniors Are Senile

[Sarge47]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[crashdive123]

John hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster.”