Joke of the day.

[nell67]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the
field.'

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. 'What's wrong?' the father asked. 'I told you to be
quiet.'

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

'Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pants legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

Well, I guess I just panicked...'

[crashdive123]

Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

[RangerXanatos]

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear
of
me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it
should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its
head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out..
..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw..
..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…took a step away. I put a little tension on
the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when
you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could
fight
down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my
feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out
of
the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that
rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that
moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling
was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various
large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough
to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount
of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer
to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in
between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand…kind
of
like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I
reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my
wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where
they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
-almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but
it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached
up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my
final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their
hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a horse—strikes
at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to
do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a
horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you
in
the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice
as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit
me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey… .

[Sarge47]

Bill & Tom were lifelong friends, they had lived in the same small town, grew up together, dated & married two girls who were also very close, and both were committed hunters. Then, come squirrel season they were out in the bush when Tom let out a blood-curdling scream, grabbed his groin, and fell to the ground. Bill quickly ascertained that his best friend had been bitten on the end of his...shall we say, manhood,(?) by a large Timber Rattler.

"Help me!" His dear friend begged, "Please do something...help me!"

Bill pulled out his cell phone & called 911. He explained that his hunting partner had been bitten by a large Timber Rattler & asked if there was anything he could do as they were pretty far out into the Wilderness & it might be quite awhile before SAR could find them to help his stricken buddy.

A Para-medic got on the line & gave these 1st Aid instructions for Snake Bite: "Using a sharp pocket knife, locate the bite marks & make an "X" incision into each one. Then, using your mouth, suck out the poison, carefully spitting it out after each mouthful. That should minimize the damage enough in time for help to arrive."

Bill slowly walked back to his friend, who was still squirming on the ground in agony. "What'd they say?" He gasped, "What did they say?"

Bill took off his hat, clenching & un-clenching it in his fingers, tears streaming
down his face, looked at his dearest friend & said: "Brace yourself....Your gonna die!"

[nell67]

Oh ,that was good RX,really good,have you recovered yet?

@ Sarge,LMAO!!!!!!!! that was hilarious!
@ Crash & Sarge,with friends like those,who needs enemies?

[rebel]

Funny! "Jumped up and bit me on the neck" story.

[crashdive123]

Hungry Fish

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

[rebel]

Now we know what happens with the...

[Rick]

Oh! That is just plain wrong Plain wrong!

[nell67]

So very sad.

[aamybush]

My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.

FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good. But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."

ha ha ha...lol

[doug1980]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat It is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they Begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole...

[RangerXanatos]

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[tsitenha]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men's work boots, size 14-16 .

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

[tsitenha]

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Michigan.

The State claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit." says the agent.

"Speaking," replied the farmer.

[nell67]

LOL Good one tsitenha!

[laughing beetle]

LOL!!! I know people who use that exact security system, but with the dogs...

[doug1980]

Indian Chief
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night dancing."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."

[laughing beetle]

HAHA!! That's funny right there...!

[Ole WV Coot]

The Prospector and the Gunslinger


An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a Western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey nor an opportunity to talk with another human.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed saying, 'Hey old man, have you eve r danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I've just never seen a need to do so, nor ever wanted to either.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old bastard, you're gonna' dance your *** off now, ' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he was still laughing as he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.The old man asked, 'Did you ever French kiss a mule's ***?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2 Don't mess with old people.