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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1541
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.


  2. #1542
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.

  3. #1543
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.

  4. #1544
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.

  5. #1545
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.

  6. #1546
    Senior Member Sparky93's Avatar
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    "Freedom had been hunted round the globe; reason was considered as rebellion; and the slavery of fear had made men afraid to think. But such is the irresistible nature of truth, that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."
    Thomas Paine

    Minimalist Camping: Enjoy nature, don't be tortured by it. Take as little as you need to be safe and comfortable.

  7. #1547
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Can't Means Won't

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  8. #1548
    Senior Member hunter63's Avatar
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    That's just spooky.......LOL
    Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
    Evoking the 50 year old rule...
    First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
    Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27

  9. #1549
    Off Grid! Darkevs's Avatar
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    Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

    I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

    In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



    Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.



    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



    I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



    ABOUT THE WRITER

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'



    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



    5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



    And the best one of all.



    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

  10. #1550
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    This is not funny,BUT,it is true

    Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.Wall Photos
    Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turk...eys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
    It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings....

    DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?
    Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

    Both have the same amount of calories.

    Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams; compared to5 grams for margarine.

    Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

    Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
    Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few and only because they are added!
    Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

    Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

    And now, for Margarine..
    Very High in Trans fatty acids.
    Triples risk of coronary heart disease ...
    Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

    Increases the risk of cancers up to five times..

    Lowers quality of breast milk

    Decreases immune response.

    Decreases insulin response.

    And here's the most disturbing fact... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

    Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC... and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT

    These facts alone were enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

    Open a tub of margarine and leave it open in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will notice a couple of things:

    * no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

    * it does not rot or smell differently because it has no value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny micro-organisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

    Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to butter them up')!

    Chinese Proverb:

    When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.

    Pass the BUTTER PLEASE
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  11. #1551
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Subject: Counseling



    After 40+ years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"



    "Well, I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  12. #1552
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    An old man and woman were sitting in rockers on the porch. The old woman gets up, walks over to the the old man and knocks him out of the rocker. He picks himself and the rocker up, rubs his jaw a bit and sits back down.

    "What was that for?" he asked.
    "Forty years of bad sex," she replied.

    After a moment the old man gets up, walks over to the old woman and knocks her out of the rocker. She picks herself and the rocker up, rubs her jaw a bit and sits back down.

    "What was that for?" she asked.
    He replied, "Knowin' the difference."
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  13. #1553
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    My goofy neighbor let his grass get a little tall and he was out there this afternoon cutting it. In the process he ran into a cat that was hiding in the grass and cut it's tail off. He came running over all out of breath trying to tell me what happened.

    "Slow down," I said. "What happened?"
    "I ran over a cat with the lawn mower and cut it's tail off!!!!! What should I do?"
    I told him, "Take it to Walmart."
    "What? Why on earth would I take it to Walmart?!"
    "Because they are the ........ are you ready?.......wait for it.......largest retailer on the planet."

    (I slay myself. I really do)
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  14. #1554
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Working on Ricks commitment papers, D**n where is Ken when you need him?
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  15. #1555
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    He's probably chasing some ambulance.

    Sorry ---- I saw that neither 2D or the mule was on line and felt it necessary to take up the slack.
    Can't Means Won't

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  16. #1556
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Now I have to move the post.....sad. Really sad.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  17. #1557
    Senior Member wtrfwlr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    Now I have to move the post.....sad. Really sad.
    Post? Are you talking about the whipping post?
    My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I'am.

  18. #1558
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wtrfwlr View Post
    Post? Are you talking about the whipping post?
    It's a long story. I'll be brief. We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other. Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place. http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...highlight=2d2k
    Can't Means Won't

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  19. #1559
    Senior Member 2dumb2kwit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by crashdive123 View Post
    It's a long story. I'll be brief. We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other. Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place. http://www.wilderness-survival.net/f...highlight=2d2k
    Kens height is nowhere near my height.

    Gnome sayin'?
    Writer of wrongs.
    Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
    "Stop Global Whining"

  20. #1560
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    There goes another one.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

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