Joke of the day.

[Rick]

You served in the cryptology department in the military didn't you?

[hunter63]

Cowboy walks in to a drug store and ask the clerk."Gimme a 3 pack of condoms"
Clerk says, "You want a paper bag for that?"
Coyboy says, "Naw, she ain't that ugly".

[BLEUXDOG]

The Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a northern slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please." "It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." "Absolutely correct. A third glass." "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive" calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[Sparky93]

Lol.........

[Rick]

What a One Dog Night Looks Like....

http://www.lifewithdogs.tv/2011/07/w...when-its-cold/

[Rick]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the Counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who cut the cheese . Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

[Rick]

I swear to you if this old boy had done it in the water he'd be half way upstream to Hoboken. It did bring a tear to my eye though and I had to salute him. He's goooooood. Sound on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi-_h8Ilfjs

[BENESSE]

The bar has been raised. Are you up to the challenge, Rick?

[crashdive123]

So that's what it looks like when it hits the fan.

[Rick]

B - Even I know when I'm outclassed, which, sadly, is most of the time, but I digress. That hippo should be the F.A.R.T.s mascot. At least he plays our theme song.

[mouse111111]

Here ia a soviet era joke I found , paraphrased.

Everyday Svetlana Vladimirovna goes to work at the bed factory, producing beds for everyone in the soviet union. Her town doesnt have any beds for themselves because the rest of the country needs them first. And so everyone at the bed factory returns home every night to sleep on the floor. One day Svetlana's sister comes home for a visit,she was apalled that after 10 years they still didnt have beds. she said "You have not been thinking correctly sister, Each day you must steal one piece from the factory and reassemble it after a few weeks." Svetlana listened and replied"It is you who are not thinking correctly, We have tried many times, but each time we assembled them we discovered that we had an automatic kalashnikov instead of a bed."

[Pal334]

Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...
and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"
Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Winnie]

A Psychoanalysts Christmas

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks
and... Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

[Pal334]

May be a repost, but still funny

Bear Remover........

A man in rural Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad
for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old
pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Pal334]

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
Kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a
Circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
Clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of
What time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye ."

[Wildthang]

A really dirty joke:

Rick fell in a mud hole!!!!!!

[kyratshooter]

I just got an e-mail from a friend in Minot, North Dakota. Gale force winds all day, wind chill below zero, snow is up to the windows and more is blowing sideways.

He is getting worried about his wife.

He says she has been standing at the kitchen window staring through the glass for hours.

He says if it gets any worse he may have to let her inside.

[crashdive123]

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran
with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes
videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed
up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me
in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as
Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in
the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid
out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as
Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still
haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to
run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the
dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle
on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time
I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take
them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you
to forward it to those who are.

Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the
garage door remote are about all we can handle.

[Rick]

Hey! I quit when I couldn't stop the clock on the VCR from flashing. It does provide a baseline to check my pulse. At least that's what I told the dog.

[Sparky93]

Something my Grandpa emailed me:

A toothpaste factory had a problem: wherein they sometimes shipped empty boxes, with no tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every unit coming out is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get mad and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project. They hired an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on the extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, and high quality. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, and someone would walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button to re-start the line.

Some time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and gaining market share. “That’s money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

He was amazed to see that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so something must be wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was absolutely correct - the scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to them on the conveyor belt were at proper weight.

Puzzled, the CEO walked down to the factory, and up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.

“Oh that,” says one of the workers — 'Charlie put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over to restart the line every time the bell rang”.





We spent a million developing a ballpoint pen that would work in zero gravity. The Russian’s used a pencil.