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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #121
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Buttocks





    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
    Man's face was severely burned The doctor told the
    Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
    Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
    Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
    That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
    From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
    Would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
    Requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
    All, this was a very delicate matter After the surgery was
    Completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
    He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
    Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
    Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
    Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
    I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
    How can I possibly repay you?'
    'My darling,' she replied,
    'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
    Kiss you on the cheek.'
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)


  2. #122
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Rotflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Can't Means Won't

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  3. #123
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Now that there is funny I don't care who you are.

  4. #124
    Senior Member laughing beetle's Avatar
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    Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
    Turtle Clan / Coffee Addicts Anonymous

  5. #125
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking An Oldie...

    ...but a Goodie!

    Back in the Gold Rush of 1849 an out-of-work drifter named Bob, found himself in Cripple Creek, Colorado. Being "stone-broke" he was wondering what he was going to do when he noticed a sign posted in the window of a near-by saloon that read: "Bartender Wanted". He quickly applied for & got the job. The owner was a friendly fellow who was quick to give the drifter all the low-down.

    "Here's what ya got to remember," he was told, " your going to get some saddle bums in here who are going to want credit; give 'em a beer & send them on their way. You're going to get a prospector or two once in a while who's struck a big strike & wants to celebrate. Somebody else might want his gold and there might be some gun-play; just remember to keep yer head down & let the marshal take care of it. But if you ever hear somebody say: 'BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!' then you get the blazes out of here quicker 'n lightnin'"

    Well, over the next several months it went just like the owner said with the saddle bums & the gun-play between the prospectors. Then, one day, someone stuck their head over the bat-wing doors & yelled: "RUN FER YER LIVES! BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!" Quick as a flash the place was empty. Bob had been in the back, bringin out a keg of beer when he heard the dreaded cry. He struggled getting the keg in place, took off his apron, threw it on the bar, & ran for the doors. He'd just pushed them open when he saw the most fearsome sight he'd ever seen in his life. Comin' down the street was the biggest, meanest, mangiest looking man he'd ever thought could exist! The man was over seven feet tall & about 400 lbs of solid muscle. He had guns in holsters all over his body. He was riding a mean-looking grizzly bear and had a mountain lion on a leash walking in front of him. He pulled up to the saloon, dismounted, & kicked the Griz squarely in his furry butt. "YOU STINK!" The huge guy yelled. Then he did the same to the mountain lion. "YOU STINK TOO!" He yelled. Bob quickly dashed inside, grabbed his apron, put it on, & got behind the bar, trembling like crazy.

    "BAR-KEEP! GIMMIE A BOTTLE OF YOUR CHEAPEST, CRAPPIEST, ROT-GUT!"

    Bob quickly placed a bottle of bar-whiskey in front of the giant & watched in horror as he placed the corked neck of the bottle in his mouth & bit the end of it off, then spat it out into the nearest spittoon. He then poured the whole thing down his throat in about 5 seconds & threw the empty bottle at the long mirror right behind Bob, shattering it to pieces. He turned to go, when Bob decided to be friendly & asked: "would you care for another?"

    The big guy quickly spun around on his heel, glared menacingly at Bob, then looked really scared as he said: "I CAN'T, I GOTTA GO! BIG JOHN'S A-COMIN'!"
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
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  6. #126
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    Default The Dead Donkey

    Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

    Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back."

    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

    The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

    Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

    The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

    Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

    Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

    The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

    Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

    Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

  7. #127
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    Default Cannibals

    Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
    They're very bitter.

    Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?
    Because writers cramp but readers digest.

    Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?

    Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

    When do cannibals leave the table?
    When everyone's eaten.

    The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

    Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
    He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

    One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!

    What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
    A celebrity roast.

    Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
    Dinner costs an arm and a leg.

    Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
    Eatin' Allen's.

    What do cannibals eat for dessert?
    Chocolate covered aunts.

    What is a cannibal's favorite game?
    Swallow the leader.

    What do cannibals make out of politicians?
    Bologna sandwiches.

    What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
    The cold shoulder.

    A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

    Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?

    Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.

    Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

  8. #128
    Senior Member laughing beetle's Avatar
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    hehhehheh...mother in laws... heeheehee...uncles in the woods...oh man....
    Turtle Clan / Coffee Addicts Anonymous

  9. #129
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

    The other missionary was incredulous, and said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

    The laughing missionary said, "I just peed in their soup!"
    Can't Means Won't

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  10. #130
    Senior Member laughing beetle's Avatar
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    Bwahahahahaha!!!
    Turtle Clan / Coffee Addicts Anonymous

  11. #131
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Attached Images Attached Images
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  12. #132
    Senior Member laughing beetle's Avatar
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    Nell, that is so true!! LOL!!
    Turtle Clan / Coffee Addicts Anonymous

  13. #133
    Senior Member Runs With Beer's Avatar
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    Im kind of lost for words, You guys are kinda funny.

  14. #134
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Time for a new one!

    The first man had married a woman from Mississippi and told her that
    she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning.
    It took couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a
    clean house and dishes washed and put away.

    The second man had married a woman from Michigan .
    He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
    dishes, and the cooking.
    The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
    By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done,
    and there was a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married a beautiful girl from Louisiana .
    He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes
    washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
    every meal.
    He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
    see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
    and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a
    sandwich and load the dishwasher.
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  15. #135
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Here's another'n...

    ...hope you like it.

    A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
    says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

    The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!!
    So many men dying that way!"

    Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
    there is always that risk involved."

    After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  16. #136
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Nice...........
    Can't Means Won't

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  17. #137
    Starving Artist
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    Three Blondes walk into a bar.
    The first says to the bartender "I'll have a BL!"
    The bartenders says "A what?"
    "You know. A BL. a Bud Light! duh!"
    The second blonde says "I'll have a CL!"
    The bartender thinks for a second, then says "Coors Light?"
    She says "well, yeah. duh!"
    The third blonde looks at the bartender and says "I'll have a 15."
    The bartender thinks. And thinks. And thinks. Finally he says "I give up. What's a '15' ?"
    She rolls her eyes and says "A 7 & 7. Duh!"
    Dennis K.
    Not all who wander are lost.
    www.AnthemBrass.com

  18. #138
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Nice one Dennis.
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  19. #139
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Short Quiz



    The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.



    1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?







    Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.









    2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?







    Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?






    Wrong Answer.







    Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.







    3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?








    Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.






    Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


    4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?










    Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
    Can't Means Won't

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  20. #140
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    what does it mean if you got all the questions right?
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

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