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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1321
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Two businessmen in Sun City West Arizona were sitting
    down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.

    As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
    shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is
    going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
    enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
    voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?

    "One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."


    Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be
    doing well...Only two left.

    "Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE=============
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related


  2. #1322
    Senior Member Winnie's Avatar
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    A new Movie opens soon..

    War of the WorldsII, They're back!

    And this time they've got Tylenol......
    Recession; A period when you go without something your Grandparents never heard of.

  3. #1323
    Senior Member Winnie's Avatar
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    My favourite comedians, at their super very best!

    Fork handles, handles for forks.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

    Swedish made simple.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkWMc...eature=related
    Recession; A period when you go without something your Grandparents never heard of.

  4. #1324
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    Achmed the dead terrorist by Jeff Dunham

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

  5. #1325
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ’Seven Points.'

    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

    The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

    Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

    The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'

    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  6. #1326
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    A good education story....
    A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back.
    He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
    The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
    When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
    .....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  7. #1327
    WSF's official Mora hater NCO's Avatar
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    Why you should leave a space between the stowe and the washing machine?
    -Thats where the wife goes...

    (told this earlier to my girlfriend, I barely stayed alive)
    Survival is not about surviving AGAINST the nature. It's about surviving WITH the nature.

    You can't go in to nature, nature is not a place or an object. Nature just is. You are living it.

  8. #1328
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta. They see a sign on a store which reads,

    "Suits - $5.00 each, shirts - $2.00 each, trousers - $2.50 each".

    Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

    They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,

    "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

    The owner of the shop interrupts,

    "Ya'll are from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

    "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you knowed that?"

    "Because this is a dry cleaner."
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  9. #1329
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    The Afghani Quarterback

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
    only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
    the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
    find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
    In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
    with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
    story window 100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph

    BULLS-EYE!

    "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
    arm!"

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
    football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is
    hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he
    wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
    us. You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
    the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
    adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
    are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
    two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
    have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
    lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
    making us move to Detroit!"
    Can't Means Won't

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  10. #1330
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.” – Mark Twain-
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  11. #1331
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    A women wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband is not in bed. She waits a few minutes for his return. When he doesn't she goes looking for him. She hears a noise down stairs and investigating it finds her husband sitting in his chair in the living room sobering bitterly. "What's wrong?"; she asks.
    "When we had been married 10 years I gave some serious thought about killing you. Fear of prison stopped me."
    "It's taken 20 years for the guilt to swell in you to the point you weep so bitterly?"
    "No I awoke suddenly and realized that with good behavior I'd have gotten out today."

  12. #1332
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult for them to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her email expecting to see messages from relatives and friends sending their condolences. After reading the first email message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've arrived
    Date: October 16, 2009

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

    I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
    Can't Means Won't

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  13. #1333
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
    new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
    injured his back.

    He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
    Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
    first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
    the school.

    The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Navy Chief,
    were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was,
    before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
    the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

    When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
    promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

    .....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  14. #1334
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Cool Hmmmm...

    Quote Originally Posted by crashdive123 View Post
    A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
    new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
    injured his back.

    He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
    Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
    first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
    the school.

    The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Navy Chief,
    were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was,
    before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
    the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

    When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
    promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

    .....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
    This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page!
    Last edited by Sarge47; 03-01-2011 at 08:24 AM.
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

  15. #1335
    Senior Member Winnie's Avatar
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    It's old timers, Sarge. Either that or all that "down bubble" has addled his brain......
    Recession; A period when you go without something your Grandparents never heard of.

  16. #1336
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarge47 View Post
    This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page!
    Yeah, but that was a Marine. Who was gonna believe that?
    Can't Means Won't

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  17. #1337
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by crashdive123 View Post
    Yeah, but that was a Marine. Who was gonna believe that?

    Not to worry, I thought your joke was hilarious
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  18. #1338
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  19. #1339
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
    Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........
    Well!!!!! Are you going to keep us in suspense?

    This is an advantage of being "mature" the stories are new every time you hear it
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  20. #1340
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
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    A fellah is 72 years young and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

    He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again say,'Pick me up.'

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

    The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

    With age comes wisdom.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

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